Nobody wants to try to get back together with their ex and waste their time and energy to find out six months down the road they have to start over again from scratch.
I want to save you from that heartbreak.
Today I am going to talk about five signs that you are wasting your time trying to get back together with your ex.
1. The dynamic between you and your ex has not changed.
Now, the first sign that you might be wasting your time getting your ex back is if you’ve made no real changes in the dynamic between you and your ex.
If you have changed nothing about the way that you interact with other people or your ex or have relationships, that’s a big sign that you might be wasting your time because first of all, your ex isn’t going to want to get back together with you.
Your ex is NOT going to want to walk right back into the same relationship that they walked out of in the first place.
And, if for some reason they did get back together with you, it would be the same dynamic that you led to break up in the first place, which means it will lead right back to another breakup.
Big surprise there, right?
In which case, you have probably wasted your time trying to get back together with your ex because you are just going to end up right back in another breakup right from the beginning.
If you have made no changes or shifts in your ability to interact with people and to have better relationships with people then you might be wasting your time trying to get back together with your ex.
2. You haven’t learned anything from the breakup.
The second sign that you might be wasting your time trying to get back together with your ex is if you have not learned anything from the breakup.
Now, no matter what the outcome, it’s only really a waste of time if you haven’t learned anything.
If you’re going to go and create the same relationship mistakes with somebody new or you just see this breakup as a sad and unfortunate thing that happened to you then unfortunately you have wasted your breakup.
You should not waste any pain that you’ve been through.
Take full advantage of it and get the most value you can out of your breakup so you can turn it into something that’s actually very beautiful. Make sure that it’s a breakup, not a breakdown, right?
Make sure that this experience is propelling you upward into something better by learning all the lessons you can from your breakup.
3. You are focused completely on your efforts being positively validated by your ex.
The third sign that you might be wasting time by trying to get back together with your ex is if you are focused solely on external validation.
If you’re like addicted to that sort of validation from your ex then you’re going to have a really hard time getting back together.
I have helped a lot of people get back together with their exes over the years and it is never a straight line.
Getting back together is never a straight line.
There is always this up and down and back and forth. We call this “riding the dragon” when you get a lot of hot and cold behavior from your ex while you try to get them back.
You WILL get a lot of mixed messages from your ex.
That’s why if you are addicted to positive validation from your ex then you’re going to really struggle. You might actually end up failing to get back together with your ex because you will give up too soon.
You will be too fixated on things like:
“how come my ex isn’t texting me anymore?”
“how come we’re not connecting like we were last week?”
And.. you’ll eventually give up and say to yourself, “Man, that whole trying to get back together with my ex thing was a waste of time.”
What actually happened was that you didn’t understand the interpersonal dynamics that were taking place. You didn’t understand the fact your ex was going through their own emotional shift that we call riding the dragon and just doing a totally natural pullback.
And, you’ll walk away after this incomplete process thinking that you have wasted your time and that it didn’t lead anywhere when in reality, you gave up half way.
It’s like kind of deciding you’re going make some dinner and only half cooking it, then getting food poisoning, right?
The problem was just that you didn’t cook the food all the way. It’s not that the food was bad. You just didn’t cook it all the way.
So, if you’re addicted to external validation from your ex, then you’re probably going to struggle and you might be actually wasting your time trying to get back together.
4. You are not focused on the emotional connection between you.
The fourth sign that you might be wasting your time in trying to get back together with your ex is if you are not focusing on the emotional connection between the two of you.
This leads back to that external validation point I made earlier.
A lot of people keep score over who is initiating more, who is contributing more to text message conversations, who is liking things on Facebook the most, who is suggesting dates, who is picking up who, who is paying the bill— basically who is the initiator that is moving things forward.
If we’re just keeping score over all of this stuff, it’s not going to get us back together because ultimately, what’s going to get you back together for the long term is NOT who is initiating more.
It’s not who is saying I miss you more.
It’s not who is breaking up with their rebound relationship first or anything like that.
What gets people back together is real emotional connection.
If you are not focused on creating an emotional connection with your ex then you are focused on the wrong things.
And if you’re focused on the wrong things, you’re probably going to struggle, give up and fail.
Then you’re going to walk away thinking that it’s impossible to get back together with your ex when really it was because you were focused on the wrong thing, right?
It’s like if you are trying to drive your car and are not focused on following the rules of the traffic.
Instead, you think, “OK, I’m going to drive on the opposite side of the road. I’m going to drive my car in reverse. I’m not going to fill up my fuel tank or change my oil. I’m going to use my turn signal the wrong way.”
Then you wreck your car and announce that driving doesn’t work.
If you’re not focused on the right things, you are going to screw up and try too hard while focusing on the wrong things.
That’s why I’m telling you to focus on the most important thing if you really want to get back together— which is the emotional connection between you and your ex.
It’s not text messages.
It’s not Facebook.
It’s not who is initiating conversations more or anything like that.
It IS the emotional connection between you and your ex.
As long as that emotional connection is improving, you are making progress towards getting back together with your ex.
5. You tend to be a quitter.
The fifth sign that you might be wasting time trying to get back together with your ex is if you’re the kind of person that just gives up on things really easily.
I know that there are a lot of things on the internet that say, “Get back together with your ex in 24 hours using this simple reverse psychology trick to force your ex to crawl over broken glass to come back together,” or something like that.
And I think on some level, we know that that’s heavy marketing hype.
In truth, when most people successfully get back together with their ex, it takes a few months in most cases.
Sure, there have been people who have taken longer or less time. But on average it takes a few months to get back together with your ex.
If you’re the kind of person who gives up really easily and you aren’t able to put up with ups and downs, challenges or handle the concept of “riding the dragon” I was talking about earlier— then maybe trying to get back together with your ex IS a waste of your time.
On the other hand, if you really care about your relationship and it’s worth focusing on, devoting energy to and following through on then you might be able to get back together with your ex.
If that sounds like you and you want strategies, tips, and advice on how to get back together with the person that you love, please go ahead and check out my website, Relationship Inner Game.
Once you get there, fill out the quick quiz and tell me a little bit about your breakup. Then I’ll send your customized report– 5 Unconscious Signs Your Ex Still Wants You (Hint: C.A.P.E.T) and our special email series with breakup advice and in-depth strategies to help you get back together with your ex.
What do you think about getting back together with your ex?
What sort of things have made you think getting your ex back might be a waste of time?
Go ahead and leave a comment down below and let me know what you think.