How to Make Him Miss You: 8 Ways to Make Him Come Around

make him miss you, make your ex miss you, how to make a man miss you, how to make him miss you

I’ve covered how to get your ex back, but I haven’t really covered exactly how to make him miss you in more depth. That’s what we’re going to talk about today.

First, one main point I have to make is this: you don’t miss people who are still around, you miss them because they’re gone, right?

That is simple as hell, but in after a breakup, it’s really worth mentioning since people overlook it all the time. Your first instinct may be to try and keep up the communication so he doesn’t forget you. That will not work! He can’t miss you and realize the breakup was a mistake with you lurking around, trying to tell him verbally how WRONG HE IS to break up.

That brings me to the process you must go through to make your ex miss you.

1. Give him time and space.

Go no contact. Cut all ties with your ex. Right now, your silence is golden. In order to really make him think about you, you’ve got to be 100% absent. Even though it sounds simple, in practice, not contacting someone you’ve been close to for months or even years is hard as hell (here are some things to do instead).

His own imagination is your secret weapon in getting him back. You need to give him time to forget the bad things that happen at the end of relationships and put the rose colored glasses on.

Also, going no contact gives you the time to think about the breakup— and this perspective is invaluable.

Even though I usually say to cut ties on social media after a breakup, don’t— if you have an eye on getting him back. If you are truly interested in shutting the door and moving on completely, that’s the time to hit the delete button.

For now, just hit “unfollow” not “unfriend” so you’re not tormented by his Facebook updates.

The idea is that you want to create an “out of sight, out of mind” situation so you can get out of the super reactive place that everyone goes emotionally right after a breakup.

You might be tempted to write him messages online, or post public messages that are vaguely, kinda-sorta about him. Also avoid posting those weepy, angry, photo memes. Don’t. Just don’t do anything. Trust me, you’re going to regret it later. In order to make this work, you must not call, text, Facebook message, Tweet, pass notes or send missives by carrier pigeon.

More than anything else on this list, you must GO NO CONTACT for a while— at least a month, if not more. Cutting him off makes him miss you and wonder what you’re up to.

2. Be flawlessly polite and kind with all contact, but NEVER beg for your ex back.

I used to say not to return your exe’s messages after a breakup unless it involved shared business responsibilities or kids. I was wrong about that piece of breakup advice and I want to make amends.

Based on feedback from my popular breakup coaching program, anyone who breaks up with you thinks that you hate them. This is made worse by the fact that people say a lot of awful things when they break up. The person who initiated the breakup is usually terrified of more hurtful talk and negativity.

Men especially are more sensitive than they let on. If you’re rude to them after a breakup, they think they have no shot of ever getting you back, even if they miss you and truly regret their decision to break up with you.

People do tend to break up and then get back together, but they can’t love you if they are afraid of you. Don’t be rude to your ex, just don’t initiate any contact with them right now unless it’s essential.

3. Allow yourself to release the pain.

I’ve described my method for getting over an ex here, and here’s how to stop thinking about him.

By clinging to his memory, you aren’t getting any closer to getting him back– keeping the pain of the breakup alive just hurts you.

Focus on remembering the good times that you both shared while letting go of your pain surrounding the breakup. Often people prolong the time that it takes to feel happy again because they mistakenly believe that they have to be miserable somehow to reignite the spark. Hogwash.

Allowing yourself to get past the pain makes you a happier, more productive person and is much more magnetic than despair. I promise you that no one EVER got anyone else back and had a healthy relationship in the long term by showing how devastated, depressed and heartbroken they are. That “hurt” energy is repellent– and it will not make your ex miss you. Don’t torture yourself with pain to show anyone else anything. It only hurts you and makes the whole situation worse.

4. Don’t mope around.

I know that breakups hurt like hell. You’re entitled to a little bit of moping, but strive to A), not mope in public and B), fake it until you make it.

In public (this includes your social media), put on a happy face. Not overtly cheery or “look at me, I’m doing sooooo wonderful,” just overall positive.

Like I said– which bears repeating, do NOT post about the gory details of your breakup on social media. Only vent about the breakup to people that you are certain won’t tell your ex. Think, your best friend, not your mutual friends.

Yes, you’re crafting an illusion that you aren’t phased by the breakup, but this is important. Let whatever happened during your breakup stay in the past. Trying to prove how devastated you are is NOT how to make him miss you.

5. Don’t stalk him.

This goes along with no contact listed above, but it’s worth it’s own bullet point since it’s so common and since you aren’t directly contacting him with the stalking, it still can feel like you’re not exactly IN contact.

Don’t cyberstalk, drive by his house, accidentally “show up” at places that you both frequent or anything else. The point right now is to break your chemical addiction to your ex even if you ultimately want to get your ex back. If you’ve already been doing these things, I get it, I truly do. But now, gorgeous, it’s time to place your loving focus right back where it belongs– on you.

6. Live your life and remodel it.

This means going out with friends, making new ones, revamping your hobbies and moving on. You’ve got to get new routines that don’t involve your ex.

Now is the time to revamp your look by getting in shape, changing your hair and/or experimenting with new clothes. It’s the time to take up a hobby or reignite your interest in your passions. It’s time for you to spread your wings and change your life in positive ways.

7. Avoid overt plays for his attention.

Don’t actively TRY to make him jealous by posting pics of yourself on social media with other people. This comes off fake and desperate. Don’t drop hints to friends about how great you’re doing. Get and remain centered on you.

8. If you feel like doing something, ANYTHING, just wait.

When it comes to breakups, the knee jerk, desperate reaction is 99.9% of the time, completely wrong.

It’s really common for you to want to do something, ANYTHING to get his attention– like your life depends on it. For right now– or if you’re in doubt, don’t do anything at all. Just be.

By taking a hands off approach, you’re giving him the opportunity to think about his decision and decide whether he wants to come back to you. That’s what you want in the first place, right?

So give him time and space.

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49 thoughts on “How to Make Him Miss You: 8 Ways to Make Him Come Around”

  1. Avatar

    Really good advice. A nice, long no contact period is essential for him to start missing you. Any plays for attention or to make him jealous will be obvious, so use the time to heal your own wounds and get back in touch with what’s awesome about being you. In the end, the only way to really turn his head is to kill it in your own life.

      1. Avatar

        Hi Robyn,

        It depends on your goals. If you want them back, unless you are following a specific strategy as I recommend in Ex Attraction Formula, not responding at all simply causes pain and makes them believe you’re not worth the effort. If you simply want to never see them again, ghost away.

        Hope that helps.


  2. Avatar

    What do you do when he contacts you daily? How do you ignore him without being rude? I’m currently on a “break” from my relationship–by his choice. At first I didn’t agree, but I realize that some time and space is necessary for both of us. But how can I give him space when he contacts me daily? I told him he couldn’t have his cake and eat it to, but he insists that he just needs time to figure out what he wants and that he’s not just stringing me along. I have no idea what to do.

  3. Avatar

    Unbeknownst to me, I didn’t realize that I was a pro at breaking up the right way. This advice is on point. Yes it is hard, and it can take several months, but it’s worth it. And also, when they do come back with the flowers & apologies, dont jump back into it. Take is slow. Make them work to get you back for real and not just “back in your good graces” for 6 weeks.

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    Nether of us wanted to break up, he had hard time at work, I acted selfish, he got angry and said he needed two days away from me, I left at night and he was careless, I texted goodbye when I ended up alone on the street at nigh. He believes I am not a relationship material. I texted two days later to make the point how he let me go home at night and not checking on me. He knows I am very independent and not helpless. He replied good luck. We were together for two months very close, he was very happy having me in his life, it was our first and last fight. He called me a brat, might be true. I won’t ever contact him, is there a chance he will contact me.

    1. Avatar

      Hi Natalie,

      It’s been a few weeks since you wrote this, but yes, there’s a good chance he will contact you— ESPECIALLY if you maintain no contact. That’s the way to go. When he does pop up, make sure that you don’t rage at him for leaving. Calm, cool and collected.


  5. Avatar

    Im having this situation…just similar to Natalie’s
    He had hard times with his fam and job but i was acting stupid like a child. I was crying hardly and showed too much how sad i was.
    He dicided to break and told me he was sure for a hundred percent and won’t change his mind..
    First 3 days..i still texted him how sad and guilty i was and still hoped to get him back.
    He read but no replied.
    Maybe i will really have to avoid contacting him for 100%
    It’s a good advice..every articles just kept reminding me like…do you really want him back? If you do, do not contact him.
    Thanks a lot

  6. Avatar

    My boyfriend ended our relationship of almost 6 months this week (my first REAL relationship) but at first he ended it with a text. I nearly lost my mind for two days trying to convince him that it was not the right way to do that, that he’s hurting me, etc. he told me it just really hurts to see me cry. So finally I get him to agree and we meet up. I had knitted a scarf for him but it wasn’t as long as I intended, but he needed to have it. We talked a lot. He said he’s been feeling this way for a month and a half. That he did feel really intensely for me, but now it’s just gone and he feels bad leading me on and doesn’t want to cause me any more pain. He cried. A lot. He gave me so many hugs. He sobbed when I gave him the scarf and told me how perfect it was. I told him he was the sunshine of my day, that he is a beautiful person, and one of the most special people to touch my life. And how much I will miss him. He said he would miss me a lot too. I asked why he never talked to me about anything. We talked about how he can’t express himself well, how he thinks I am deep and complex for the way I am able to (words and art). How when the feelings stopped for me, his feelings for EVERYTHING stopped. He can’t make himself care or put in effort and that makes him feel awful. We talked about how he is depressed, how he doesn’t like himself, he’s shy, nervous, and quiet and he hates that about himself. i told him it’s okay to be introverted, but he must find things that make him happy and to do them every day. And he started crying again. I shared my experiences with depression and self harm, and he cried because he never noticed the scars. He said he accepts full blame for this, that he feels so guilty, that he needs to come to terms with himself. That it was right we talked like this. He’ll keep my paintings I made for him, he’ll keep the scarf. He kept saying he didn’t want to go, but he felt it was right. If I ever need anything to not hesitate to reach out to him, I’m the most amazing person. He gave me one last kiss before he said goodbye. Later I texted him to tell him that if he needs anything to please message me, to remember someone cares when he feels his loneliest, and to please love himself. He responded and said that I’m the best, that I shouldn’t be afraid to contact him, that we should help each other. I haven’t stopped thinking about him. I thought he was the one, honestly. I don’t have a bad memory to make me hate him either. Nothing but loving and beautiful memories of the two of us. I’m severely heartbroken, I feel as if he has made a huge mistake. I’m just wondering if he’s really gonna contact me at all? If he’s confused about his feelings? I don’t want to be pining away for someone who couldn’t care less about me, but I think he cares a great deal for me? Maybe more than he even realizes ? I’ve sent him one really long message since then, two days ago, telling him how proud I was for him for doing something so far out of his comfort zone. I told him to ignore this or take your time replying or whatever, but we’re still friends on Facebook, my number is obviously not blocked. So idk what to do really. I’ve got advice from so many different people, telling me to give up, that he might come back around, that he’s cheating, that he doesn’t care, etc. what is your opinion? What should I do???

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      Hi Kitty,

      Yes, he’ll probably contact you, but you have to leave him completely alone. No contact from you at all for at least 8 weeks. Distract yourself, get strong, take a hiatus from Facebook and leave him completely alone. No more mothering him. He made a decision and you must leave him alone to experience his choice.

      Also, start dating others even though I know you don’t want to.

      Please take good care of yourself.



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    I was in a 3 year relationship. This is my second time doing NC. First attempt was for 3 weeks. He broke by wishing me a happy birthday and I said thank you and he never replied. Then I contacted him a week later. It was great the first couple days. But then he got scared that we were just jumping right back into things. It didn’t help that I kissed another guy during our first NO contact. But he did seem to forgive that. But after he told me he was afraid he couldn’t make me happy I walked away again. He said he didn’t want to say goodbye and didn’t want to lose me but he never replied again. It’s been 30’days and I haven’t heard anything from him. Nothing. Should I just give up? I really want to try again but I can’t lie the fact that he hasn’t contacted me in 30’days makes me really question if he misses or loves me. Should I give it more time or give up completely? He looks pretty happy on social media without me. No posts with other girls but he seems to be living it up with his friends.

    1. Avatar


      Give him 8 whole weeks total from the last contact. That’s the time it takes for people to really make a decision. It must be him who reaches out. He knows he has you on the hook so he’s just circling back around. Stop stalking his social media— go on a fast if you can.

      Don’t give up if you aren’t done with him, but when he reappears, be extremely light.



      1. Avatar

        Thank you! One more quick question. If after 8 weeks he still doesn’t reach out should I then just forget it? I was going to write him an email if he didn’t reach out just to say goodbye. Because after 3 years he didn’t say goodbye I think that’s awful. But then part of me thinks why would I send the email because he obviously doesn’t care. But I have no closure. Like I said he told me he didn’t want to say goodbye. But obviously he isn’t too hurt because he hasn’t reached out at all. So after 8 weeks do I just give up? Send nothing? I’m also afraid to date or talk to anyone else during the 8 weeks because if he does reach out it would ruin my chances of getting back together. Is that dumb? Thank you!!!

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    I had a crush on this guy.It took lots of efforts to tell him how I feel, and to my surprise he took it very positively. We spend great time together but he always said that his family is important to him and he will commit only when his family accepts me. Few months later he said he told his family about me but they are not interested ( he didnt even told them my name, he told them just that he like a girl without knowing any further they said we are not interested). But here I’m madly in love with this guy. We have stopped talking but I text him once in a while. What should I do to make him realise my feelings for him!! I don’t want to leave him????

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    What about when he got a new gf nd updated his Facebook status? It’s been 2 months since we stop talking and it’s killing me will he ever miss me? Or should I just move on with my life

    1. Avatar

      If he has a new gf and has changed his status on FB then you should not worry about contacting him or him contacting you. You should stay away from FB and go on with your life. Dont wait around to see if he’ll come back to you after he made a statement about having a new gf.

  10. Avatar

    I recently dated someone for two months. So amazing of a guy constantly calling and texting everyday. Making time to see each other one or two days out the week. One day he posted a picture on Snapchat of him and girl at a wedding. That same night i stopped replying to his messages and never answered the following morning just to get a grip of myself. After morning we text and he figured something was wrong so I told him. It took about three days but we moved passed it especially after all the apologizing I did. I did Noticed however that he wasn’t calling or texting every second or hour. The following weekend he said hey let’s go to the movies but didn’t reach out to me till half way the end of the day saying he was sleeping. Then questioned me about a Snapchat posted even though I told him it was positive because he made me feel valued and he’s irreplaceable. He said okay but slowly started pulling back again. The calls stopped, the cute names he gave me stopped, the texts were sporadic . I said hey let me get a hotel room out of the city and let’s spend time together. All of a sudden he said I’ll have to check the work schedule but he put two small emojis. The next day I got the room and yes I snapped about how I would be sleeping alone in there and then I told him never mind. That was two weeks ago, now he’s ignored four text messages and one that just said good morning, but I’m confused because he watches ALL of my snapchats the second I post and he remained friends on all social media. However today I took the step in sending him a message after he ignored the call. I told him I didn’t believe he would do that, I was so sure of him and us, he amazing but I’m not weak or anything less and don’t deserve this. I even tried to end on a calm note and said, you’re not answering so I get it. I’ll still think the best of you, thanks for the joy and opening heart, I’ll be here for you but just not right now. Did I do the right thing ? What are the chances of him coming back once I complete ignore him? Now he has no way of watching my life since I unfriended him. Didn’t block just deleted. Also I think he was trying to make me jealous today, posting on Snapchat with another females name.

    1. Avatar

      Hi April,

      I’m sorry! The comment I put on your thread was for someone else on another post and I goofed. Here’s what I have to say about your situation.

      I’m sorry you’re going through this with this one pulling away! It really sucks to feel like a man is going distant and not really know what to do to pull him back in.

      It sounds like for now, there isn’t anything else I would really do. If he decides to reach out to you later (if you want that), be friendly and positive about hearing from him– and do not talk about the relationship at all, just be fun to converse with. It sounds like you got into a little bit of a negative reinforcement cycle with the man, unintentionally since who knows why he got distant in the first place. But at this point, what is done is done.

  11. Avatar

    My long distance boyfriend of a year showed up and broke up with in person because he said that we talked too much and that he doesn’t have any friends (I have my own social life, was never preventing him from going out). He feels like that I have changed, he has changed and that things won’t work. He also said that I am “sensitive” and he feels like he can’t be himself and is always worried about what he says. He also said he is scared. He also failed a class this semester (nothing to do with me, not my fault that he didn’t put the time in there). He told me he is tired and that he has tried. Stayed and talked with me for two hours after the break up. Bunch of excuses (so it seemed).

    Texted two days post-break up lightly, telling him if this was the best decision for him, that I would have to accept it because I love him and just want him to be happy. Also asked him to think about things and that I knew he needed space and I would respect that. Day 23 no contact. Not sure if he will be back…

  12. Avatar

    I made the mistake, I was weak, I couldn’t control it because we spent too much time together. We were together for 5 months. He suddenly wanted a break, said i would get too jealous and needed space, I fought him so he said nvm I’m too aggressive. Then I kept messaging him and he said he was seriously going to give me a chance but that now that I freaked him out. I had never reacted this way w him but I really did not want to lose him but I know I pushed him away. He used to love me so much and showed so much affection but it was so much that it kind of got to me and I loved him a lot for it, he eventually needed space because he went through alcohol problems in the past and needed to stay active in helping and running since he is sponsored so I couldn’t handle it. Eventually he told me no, he will not promise me he was taking a break anymore.
    I know it sounds like a mess but I couldn’t believe he was willing to drop everything we built. We spend so much time together. I now see that was not good. But do you think a situation like this, that he may still come back after no contact period?
    I have started hanging w friends, never post anything negative on fb and he still follows me on social media but makes no attempt to contact me. I try to look like it doesn’t bother me and my life has moved on.
    Is this a lost case??

  13. Avatar

    He suddenly wanted a break, said i would get too jealous and needed space, I fought him so he said nvm I’m too aggressive. Then I kept messaging him and he said he was seriously going to give me a chance but that now that I freaked him out. I had never reacted this way w him but I really did not want to lose him. He used to love me so much and showed so much affection but it was so much that it kind of got to me and I loved him a lot for it, he eventually needed space because he went through alcohol problems in the past and needed to stay active in helping and running since he is sponsored. Eventually he told me no, he will not promise me he was taking a break anymore.
    We spend so much time together. I now see that was not good. Will he still come back after no contact period?
    I have started hanging w friends, never post anything negative on fb and he still follows me on social media but makes no attempt to contact me. I try to look like it doesn’t bother me and my life has moved on.

  14. Avatar

    He used to love me very well but suddenly changed when he got his ex back.. According to him,he transferred his love to the girl because she is constantly having sex with him..
    He now chooses the girl over me and wish to marry her.
    please what do i do to get him back?

  15. Avatar

    Hello, I made a huge mistake with my boyfriend, I hurt him with words which ended in he leaving me at a hotel by myself and now I’m leaving. At first he wouldn’t talk to me at all told me to go separate ways and mature and grow from there. So I waited 2 days and he brought me my stuff from his apartment to the hotel, I asked him for forgiveness cause I am in pain and hopeless I love him so much, I miss him so much. He said he will think when I promised I will change everything about me. Now we message sometimes but he still doesn’t forgive me, he said he’s not anxious to see me which broke my heart. I lost a lot of weight, I can’t eat I’m so scared to lose him. What should I do?

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    Hello! I was just broken up with and I’ve been reading your advice and am hoping you can help steer me in the right direction.
    So I dated my boyfriend for 9 months. He pursued me longer than that though. The beginning was great, then we started arguing over little things and got into a big fight and almost broke up, but didn’t. We were okay but then recently, starting around a month ago, we started disagreeing over little things again but he also started to change and push me away a little bit, as he was doing with other people in his life too. He became negative and more of an asshole than he’d ever been (even though his personality is the charming asshole type). Thursday night (five days ago) we went out for the first time in a few weeks and had a drink and it was really nice. Both of us enjoyed it. Even at this moment in time, he was telling me that he liked the family that is and his roommate and roommate’s girlfriend were becoming. He wants to move to New York after college graduation in a year, and still was saying he wanted me to move with him.

    He did complain that I get tense whenever he mentions New York because I’ll miss him if he goes and I don’t, but I’ve never tried to hold him back. Just a reaction I try to control but can’t always. I didn’t plan on talking to him about how I’ve missed him lately with how distant he’s been, but it became the natural topic that seemed unavoidable to both of us. He said he missed me too and loved me and I said I wanted to be there for him, but felt like he was neglecting the relationship and that I just wanted a bit more attention again. He brought up how we’ve been fighting and then said we’ve done it our whole relationship, which I said wasn’t fair, and eventually it got to him saying he doesn’t know what he wants and me telling him that I want to be with him and work it out but to think about it and we’d meet up tomorrow with his decision.

    The next day at school, he said that he loved me but he had things he wants to and leaps to take and he doesn’t feel that a relationship is right for him in this moment in life. I got extremely upset and reminded him that he said he saw a future for us because we’ve talked about living together and marriage, and he said he still could and that I was “the one saying forever.” As in the break up being forever. But after asking if he just wanted to go on a break, he said he doesn’t do that and it’s not fair to either of us. I asked what if he finds someone else and he said he won’t, he doesn’t want a relationship now period. I asked what if I do and he said he’d have to be happy for me. He said that I as a person and girlfriend make him happy, but the relationship hasn’t been making him happy. I admitted to being more able to get upset over small things lately but that it was because he was ignoring me lately, then he referenced the whole relationship being arguing again. Eventually though, it got to the biggest problem when he said he doesn’t know who he is and he doesn’t like who he is (he’s a musician and theatre actor and lately has been having very intense focus on becoming exactly like his idols). I told him that I love him for who he is and that he’s more than enough, and he got emotional at that, but said that even though he wasn’t 100% sure about this, this was his decision. He also said he wished I wouldn’t have put such a time limit on it, and I tried to say to take time, but he said no it’s too late. He said he still wanted us to be in each other’s lives. He did apologize for being an asshole to me and said this wasn’t fair to me and he’s being selfish.

    After three days of no sleeping or eating and almost straight crying, I’ve been a mess and miss him so much. I hadn’t texted him at all because that’s the advice I got from friends. On Monday I saw him at school, and I walked over with a smile and said hi. When he asked how I was, I said alright. We made a tiny bit of small talk, with him asking if I still want him to rot in hell and I smiled and said no, and he said this was better than he thought it was gonna be. My reaction, I guess. Eventually I said I had his stuff to give him, and he said he’d text me later that night so that I could give it to him and he could give me mine, and I also calmly mentioned that I wanted to talk about something but it wasn’t a big deal.

    When he did text me, 10 minutes after posting a snap chat story with his friends, he said he couldn’t meet but could drop it off tomorrow at school if I want. I asked if he could meet tomorrow and he said he didn’t think it was best to meet at night (which I don’t understand) and offered to bring it to school and I said that i still wanted to talk in private and he asked about what and I asked “what do you think about?” And he said “I thought I was pretty clear on everything” which crushed me because he went from loving me so much and basically telling me I’m the one to talking to me like I’m nothing. I said I had things to say now that I have a clear head and he said he didn’t think it was a good idea now but fine and I said I didn’t want to push so when would be a good time and he said it would be awhile.

    My plan, when I talk to him, is to say that I’ve had time to think and I understand his point about needing to work on himself and I’m here for him. And that I recognize a lot of my faults after this time to think and that I’m going to work on them. And then to ask if he sees us together in the future and if he still believes this is best for his happiness. Not begging, not nagging, just expressing that I don’t feel that the core of us is the fighting.

    I regret many things. I shouldn’t have talked about how he’s been distant that night and should’ve just given him space, because before that we had a great night and had plans the next day. I shouldn’t have asked him to make a decision the next day. I was just trying to communicate my feelings and stand up for myself. I never thought he’d break up with me. Everyone else is confused too. And now he’s treating me like I’m nothing and it hurts so badly. I’ve been getting advice to give him space, but I’m scared that I’ve lost him for good. My friends have been thinking he’s an asshole for awhile now. He wasn’t the only one with issues between us. I’d been feeling like he didn’t understand me properly a lot and criticized me when I said things. He wanted me to be a huge part of his life, and I was, but he didn’t try as hard to be part of mine. I have issues with him, but I still love him and want to be with him. Do I have a chance at that? What should I do?

  17. Avatar

    Hi Elizabeth,
    I know this post was made some time ago but would love your advice.
    I know I shouldn’t google “how long until he misses me” when the truth of the matter is there’s a chance he won’t. But desperate times call for desperate measures and here I am….

    I was with my guy for 7 months. I initially met him overa year ago – kind, social, loving, funny.
    I went travelling and he met someone else.

    Soon my return, and after his break up 6 months later I heard from him and we met up and got together. Since his breakup and an amalgamation of other thingns, low self esteem etc he found himself in a deep dark place. He said he didn’t feel himself, that the nice guy everyone knew before is gone, that he has no hope, he has cried to me about the future, he can’t make decisions because he doesn’t know where he’s going.. I stuck around for 7 months. We had a few hiccups when I suggested we end things if he’s not ready. He said he didn’t want to end things and that he liked me so we continued. I met his family, he bought me Xmas presents, I met all his friends

    Now two days after Christmas he says that he likes me still but just isn’t happy within himself. Is this a cop out? He’s seriously a beautiful person and I love him with my whole heart. Will he fix himself and come around? He won’t go get help. I always imagined him being the guy that we would be able to make things work. He says we have tried enough. What are the chances he will change his mind if I go NC. I gave him so much support..

    Writing this makes it sound like he’s a narcissist but I know at the bottom of my heart he’s just in a dark spot

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    My ex and I broke up a few months ago. He was the best boyfriend I have ever had. Very affectionate, nice, understanding and tried to make me happy the best he could. Unfortunately, without trying to I was pushing him away. We barely had sex, because I never felt like it. We didn’t cuddle very much, and would rarely even make out. (we kissed all the time – just no tongue)He ended up cheating on me. He said it wasn’t my fault, but I can see the things I did wrong, that might have played a part in his infidelity. We were out of contact for a couple of months, but I have approached him and let him know I want him back. I have admitted that I see now how I may have drove him away. I have made an effort to be fully transparent with him, because I also was bad at communicating feelings. His response to all of this is that he is surprised because of what he did that I would want him back, and also that he doesn’t know what to say.

    We have seen each other a few times. Each time we have ended up having sex (great sex I may add) But I am the one to be texting him 1st, and initiating another time to hang out. He told me flatly that the sex does not definitely mean we are getting back together. But we also cuddle, and I have spent the night each time.

    I am doing my best to show him things are different.

    How do I get him to take me back? How do I know he isn’t using me? What if he is still going on dates with other women?

    1. Avatar

      I’m sorry you’re going through that.

      It sounds as though you’re doing all the things that you THINK will make him want to get back together with you, but you’re essentially giving him all of your benefits (including more sex) without any of the responsibility (a real relationship which he has been clear you’re not doing). Since you feel like HIS cheating was your fault, you’re basically now trying to bribe him into getting back together by offering him everything that you in fact want from him. You’re being open, giving him affection, etc– in hopes he’ll reciprocate.

      And I get it, that’s human. I’m not trying to be hard on you. But bribery doesn’t work. You can’t logically convince him to respect you or give him the kind of relationship you want.

      You have to back off and leave him to his other women. Let him do whatever he wants and make sure you entertain yourself. Do nothing in his direction at all.

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    Hi there! I totally blew the no contact rule, but he was the one sending me videos of his job every single day after. I cursed him out a few times out of my anger and sadness, but he would still write to me to ask how my day was. after a few times of being mean he continued to act dry with me and cold. We saw each other a couple of weeks ago, and it was nice because he told me he felt like he was forcing himself to ignore me and that he didn’t want to be with anyone else bc he doesn’t feel the urge. He insists that we see each other on Valentine’s day. Our relationship was great, but after a while it got tough bc he has no car and we live a little far so the tension built up and I was exhausted and took advantage of his kindness a lot. It has been almost a month since we broke up and I have learned my lesson. I always try to talk to him, maybe 2 or 3 complete days where we didn’t have contact, but 2 of those times he actually would reach out to me. Why does he want to see me on Valentine’s day? Do you think I can convince him to take me back and show him that there will be no negativity? I know that he is my soul mate and he is just being hard headed right now! Would you please provide insight?

    1. Avatar

      Hi Natalie,

      He wants to see you on Valentine’s Day. It sounds like he wants you around, he just doesn’t want you to control the whole thing and insist upon having it your way. From what you said, it sounds like you’re still in a relationship in all but name. He’s mean because you’re dry and cold. Try acting warm and sweet when he contacts you while not trying to control anything (and I mean ANYTHING). Let him do everything his way and see if that helps.



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    Just found your site. My bf of 3 months broke up with me, he said there was no spark between us, and he couldn’t see a future. This came pretty much out of the blue. Every single person who knows us has been confused by his actions. Clearly only he knows how he feels, but I think he’s deluding himself. Anyway I told him it wasn’t for me to change his mind, returned his stuff and the gifts he gave me, and blocked him on all social media…so I didn’t be that psycho crazy stalker girl. I miss him like mad and want him back, but I don’t know if you can come back from ‘no spark’. What do you think?

    1. Avatar

      Shiella, I’m in the same exact situation except we were dating for 6 months. See my comment below. I don’t know what to do either. It’s devastating.

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    We had been dating 6 months. He had been separated from his wife for 2 years and they have a 9 year old daughter together. His ex was the first person he opened up to and was never in a relationship before her. They got married because of their child. We started dating in early October. Their divorce was just finalized in December. In the beginning few months, there was extreme desire on his part to be with me and initiate everything. Since the divorce, he has been saying things like: “I’m unsure if I’m able to be into anyone right now”; “I’m not ready and I don’t want to screw up a good thing because I’m not ready”; “I really like you and losing you is not what I want”; etc. He’s been flipping and flopping for months, but at the end of February after he was a real jerk selling me out for an event we were supposed to go to, I went no contact for 4 days – he came running back with apologies and even said we should give being in a relationship a shot – it was his idea. Over a month went by seemingly normal and I was being patient with him. Last week, he called and things seemed fine, until I asked when we could see each other. He said he needed to talk to me about that and said, “I really like you and I wanted this work so bad and I tried hard to find the feeling I’m looking for. You are everything I could want. I care about you and we are good together. I’m scared to end up with the wrong person again like I did with my ex of 10 years. I’ve been looking for things about you and reasons why this can’t work and I can’t find one thing wrong. I’m just looking for a feeling and I’m not even sure it exists or what it’s supposed to feel like, maybe it’s just in the movies, but I’m not feeling it with us. I could be making a huge mistake and I want to be your friend. I just don’t have an overwhelming desire that we need to be together. We always have fun together and I really do like you, but I don’t want to string you along – it’s not fair to you.” I then asked if it was timing or he’s just not that into me and he said “maybe a little of both.” I said, “so you know for fact you’ll never want to be with me?” and he replied with, “no, it just doesn’t feel right right now.” I proceeded to cry for an hour and half in which he stayed on the phone talking to me. I made the mistake of texting him a few times in the last few days and he has responded to all of them quickly, but I think I made him angry because I got angry. I apologized and have not said anything else. Is there a shot in hell he’ll realize he made a mistake and come back or is there no hope at all for my situation? Thank you.

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    Just found this article. I dated a guy for about 3 months. He was affectionate but I sorta rebuffed some of his efforts since I wasnt sure I wanted to fall for him. I also made the mistake of telling him on pur first date that I still hoped to get back with my ex if he improved. This guy started pulling away, and when I asked if he would be willing to go back to taking us seriously, he decided “his feelings didnt grow past the idea of me getting with my ex”…but that he wants to he friends. Problem is I cant stop thinking about him a whole 3 months later and I feel he thinks about me too but we’re both stubborn. The urge to message him come April is so strong but i want him to reach out first if hes ur worth it

  23. Avatar

    I am in love with a guy that was my first love. We’ve kept in touch for over 30 years. I feel as if he has always been “unfinished business”. But, since we both moved on (not entirely by choice on either of our parts) we have had a cordial and platonic relationship. I refuse to be the “other woman” and I don’t mess around on people I am with when I am in a relationship. Now, after all these years, he is single, but nursing a very bad heart break, in which he was in an emotionally abusive situation that he finally decided wasn’t worth keeping after years of dealing with it. He has a determination to stay single. I’ve been there, too. I was in the same situation 6 years ago, but now I am ready and we are both single for a change…and it’s like opportunity is looking us right in the eye…but OH NO…he loves me, but he doesn’t want a relationship. He values our friendship and he is being super nice…but it isn’t going anywhere. And, I am falling deeper in love with HIM. What should I do?

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