Unwanted breakups usually involve a mixture of grief, heartbreak and bargaining.
If you’ve recently broken up with someone you love very much, it’s completely understandable that you would start wondering how to get your ex back, because sometimes it feels like the only way out of the pain is to get your relationship back on track.
If you are going through a breakup that you don’t want and you still love your ex, don’t despair!
I have helped thousands of women get back together with their exes and repair their relationships.
If you want another chance with your ex, there is hope.
Even if he told you he never wants to see you again.
Even if your ex is having a rebound relationship with someone new.
Even if you’ve been broken up for a long time.
First, to answer any burning questions you might have– if you came here because you’re wondering if he’ll come back if you leave him alone, OFTEN an ex boyfriend will have a change of heart and want a woman back all on his own.
The women who have helped have most success at getting their exes back and staying together for the long term are prepared and know exactly what to do when their ex comes back— even when it takes him months to toss out a confusing text message all on his own.
…And, I know you don’t want to leave things to chance. You want a real relationship again.
Let’s get started with how to get your ex back.
1. Stop all relationship talks and negotiations.
Many women who are trying to get their ex back make the mistake of starting at the point of the breakup and using logic and reason to bargain with him based on the fact that they are separated from him and want to get him back.
When you don’t agree with someone, it makes sense that you would try to discuss it with him.
When people decide to break up, they have usually thought about it for a while and the real reasons behind it are emotionally driven.
That’s why logically negotiating and bargaining with your ex about how good you are together (or whatever reason you give for why you should be together) always fails.
All you’re telling him when you argue against breaking up is that you don’t agree with him.
That’s also why it’s so important to let him have his way and agree with the breakup.
This is also why negotiating, begging, pleading and bargaining with your ex boyfriend is the worst thing to do because this only reminds him of how difficult your relationship likely became before you broke up.
By negotiating, you’re not getting to the heart of why he’s breaking up with you in the first place– his feelings.
That’s why you stop doing all of that “working to save your relationship” and agree with the decision to break up.
You can only make progress in getting your ex back when you stop all of that negotiating.
You must reset his opinion of you by going away for awhile and letting him miss you.
This way he can forget about any icky attempts you made to “renegotiate the relationship” or “discuss the breakup.”
2. Agree and apologize for your part in the breakup.
Before you go no contact for a while, it’s important to apologize (if you actually did something wrong) and let your ex know that you agree with the breakup.
This is exactly the opposite of what your ex is expecting from you.
Wishing him the best at the end in a formal but mysterious way starts triggering those feelings in him as well.
Especially if your ex already knows you want him back, and you have been emotional around him (I don’t blame you)– then it’s even more important that you directly take the pressure off him.
When you accept the breakup and stop showing any pain or resentment towards him it sends the message that you aren’t going to die without him and eventually increases his respect for you.
After you agree to the breakup, it’s important to go completely no contact for a significant period of time. Fall off the face of the Earth as far as your ex is concerned.
3. Don’t try to be friends with your ex (but always act friendly).
Lots of people make the mistake of pleading with their exes to stay friends because cutting the relationship off completely feels too devastating.
When you want your ex back, I don’t suggest that you actively try to stay friends but don’t refuse to be friends if he asks.
Act perfectly okay with staying friends if it’s your exe’s idea. You don’t ACTUALLY have to be the kind of friends who smack each other on the shoulder and talk about your new flames.
I used to advise people NOT to stay friends with exes they wanted back since it was too easy to blur the lines of friendship and relationship. I don’t want you to fall into a sexual relationship with your ex where he uses your body to get over you.
The problem with this breakup advice was that when you actually say “no” if your ex happens to ask you to be friends, it seems like you are now an angry enemy.
“We’re not friends” sends the message that your ex can’t really get in touch with you for very many reasons other than completely re-negotiating the past relationship.
If you’re NOT friends, then… you’re either “an ex” or you’re a stranger. Neither is what you want.
When your ex is still in love with you, being completely friend zoned is not a problem long term.
Allow the friends label but back away gently if he starts confiding in you about new women or asks you for sex without a commitment. Avoid starting a friends with benefits (fwb) relationship.
No matter what you do, you must give him SPACE to miss you, think about you and want you around.
4. Let go of the fear that your ex will forget about you.
If you were suggesting doing friend stuff with your ex because you’re trying to make sure that he doesn’t forget about you, don’t worry.
Men fall more in love when they’re away from women and have time to think about them. Women are the opposite. The more a man is around us, the harder we fall in love.
Use this to your advantage and don’t mother your ex because you’re afraid he will forget about you.
If you’re watching your ex boyfriend’s dog while he’s out of town and hearing all about his dating experiences, he will use your body to get over YOU, so don’t agree to anything that puts you in a mothering position where you’re doing him a service.
When your ex still loves you, rest assured that the LESS you talk to him, the MORE you’ll be on his mind.
If you do this right, your ex will want to be around you on his own.
5. Make your ex miss you.
When it comes to getting back together with a man, making him miss you is the best way to start the process of winning him back.
Again, remember that your ex can’t miss you if you don’t leave him alone; keep begging him for forgiveness, or text bomb him hoping he will see the error of his ways.
If you have been trying to reason with him, explaining your side of the story or trying to stay in touch with him, going strictly no contact is the very first step to getting him back into your life because we can’t want what we already have.
He can’t miss you if you’re breathing down his neck, trying to show him what he’s NOT missing out on.
6. Stay quiet on social media (for now).
While it may seem like a good idea to share everything about how much fun you’re having on social media in an attempt and make him feel like he’s missing out on being with you, DON’T.
If you absolutely have to, delete Facebook and all of the social sites that you shared with your ex. You don’t want to be thrown into jealous mode every time he posts a new picture or an innocuous status update.
Right now, you both desperately need mental clarity and time apart from each other.
He might not be paying attention to your 358 posts about how great things are now and trying to spy on his profile to find out what he’s up to won’t help you feel better about the breakup.
Research suggests that people who stay friends with their exes on Facebook report less negative feelings toward their exes when they stay “friends” after the breakup, but report less personal growth and emotional recovery.
That means that if you stay Facebook friends, it’s harder to MOVE ON.
This is a double edged sword– because these findings suggest that the very act of staying friends with your ex means that your ex will feel less negatively about you over time BUT he will experience less sexual longing and desire to get back together with you.
When you want your ex back, the happy medium is to stay connected on social media but do an un-official social media blackout where you don’t really post much or change anything.
That way, your ex won’t be seeing much of you online, and he’ll naturally have the space to wonder what you’re up to but not experience the final feeling rejection of seeing that you unfriended him.
Also, to get the kind of clarity it takes to get your ex back and actually create a better relationship with him long term, you’re going to need to take a break from him.
Don’t peek at your exe’s profile, don’t stalk him, don’t look at all the girls on his friend’s list to try and determine if he might be dating someone new.
Unfollow your ex at your first opportunity and then LOG OFF. In fact, do it right now. I’ll wait.
7. Stop focusing on what you have lost.
Focus instead on what you have to gain from this breakup– whether you succeed at getting back together or not.
When we are wrapped up in grief, sometimes the only thing we can think about is getting back together and repairing things.
And, I completely understand the temptation to dwell on your ex.
But, the best way to get past this breakup is to switch your focus away from “GET HIM BACK AT ALL COSTS” and toward yourself.
What do you really want your life to look like?
What kind of relationship do you really want?
This is an opportunity to get back to who you were before the relationship, reignite your interests and get passionate about your life again.
When you focus on the bigger picture, it’s easier to get past your grief and into a place where you can really make some exciting changes.
You might not believe me right now, but no matter what, this breakup is a good thing. It’s an important and rare opportunity to reboot and redefine what you want your life to look like.
It’s no surprise that people report significant personal growth after a breakup– even if they eventually get back together with their ex.
Also, from a law of attraction perspective, when you are still heartbroken, you are NOT vibrating in a way where you can get him back. Happy relationship energy is MUCH different than the rejection, pain and disappointment you’re feeling right now.
8. Be completely selfish (and get happy).
Start living your life for you again, not for you as a couple.
In fact, if you made your relationship with you ex your “whole world,” the pressure to make you happy might be the real reason why you broke up in the first place.
When anyone makes their relationship the center of their world, it adds a lot of pressure. As nice as it is to feel happily coupled up, relying on a man too much it puts responsibility on him that he may not feel ready for.
When you create an awesome life for yourself, by yourself, it sends him the message that the pressure of your happiness is not ALL on his shoulders.
It’s time to start making your life as awesome as it can be so that another person ADDS to your happiness rather than supplies all of it. Dive into your favorite hobbies, social activities and career. Do things that excite and scare you.
9. Clean up your side of the break up.
Even though I just told you NOT to bargain with your ex boyfriend, making your own changes behind the scenes is a good idea.
Sometimes people are lucky enough to get a clear, completely understandable reason why someone decided to breakup with them.
If the reason he gave for breaking up with you was something fixable that you have direct control over, consider making changes if they make sense for you and feel authentic.
10. Date other people.
I’ll admit that dating new people right now might not sound fun at all and getting back out there is controversial.
Relationship experts and coaches disagree about whether or not you should see new people when you want to repair a relationship but let’s cut to the chase here.
Your ex told you he didn’t want your relationship.
Dating new people is the logical thing for you to do– and while he knows that intellectually– right now he likely sees you as totally intoxicated and in love with him so he doesn’t have to really lose you by breaking up.
…And… loss is an incredibly strong motivating force.
Research suggests that people will work MUCH harder to avoid losing something they already have than they will to get something new.
If your ex boyfriend was the one who broke up with you, you’re no longer a challenge to him. He thinks you’re totally conquered– so he’s bored to death with your relationship and doesn’t really see “losing you” as a real loss… yet.
The quickest way to change that is to genuinely start playing the field.
You don’t have to flaunt it or sleep around– you just need some new experiences. So get yourself an online dating account (or 3) and open yourself up to new opportunities.
11. Think cool, calm and collected.
After you have successfully gone through a no contact period with your ex, you have already made him miss you and he is most likely curious about what you’re up to.
The next step is to remind your ex with a little tease of history the two of you have, about how wonderful being with you was when things were good between you.
You must be light, light, light in all of your interactions with your ex.
No crying, no emotional re-hash of the breakup.
No “WHY!?!” when you do see your ex.
Do everything it takes to be cool when you talk to your ex and start spending time together again.
When you act happy and cool about the breakup, it reduces the pressure on him. He doesn’t have to worry that you are trying to get anything from him or doing something he thinks (for now) he doesn’t want.
This doesn’t mean that you have to pretend be a fake, happy-go-lucky version of yourself who doesn’t really exist.
Remember that your ex knows you very well. Aim for “the best version of yourself” and not “why is she acting like she’s high as a kite all the time?” Your mindset is important right now.
12. Get yourself back in the frisky “just met him” mindset.
When you do begin talking again after no contact, use the mindset that you’re JUST starting a fresh, new relationship with your ex.
Treat it like you are dating your ex for the first time all over again.
Remember to stay mysterious, look your best, and keep in mind that it is more important now than ever to INSPIRE him into wanting you back in his life– not to logically try and talk him into getting back together with you.
In fact, trying to use logic and reason to get him back is one of the most common reasons why women fail to get their exes back, because the reasons that people get back together are emotional!
When you first started dating, you probably didn’t look at each other and say rationally,
“You are obviously a compatible mate to have a relationship with. Let’s date.”
You got into a relationship the first time because you connected, had fun together and were attracted to each other.
To get back together naturally, get yourself back into that “let’s have fun” mindset again and take the pressure off.
The Bottom Line About How to Get Your Ex Back
Getting your ex back is a long road, and one you must only carefully tread down. Before you go down the road, think hard about what you want from your relationship.
If someone could let you go in the first place, think about why you want him back in your life. Before you try to win your ex back, decide if he’s a prize worth winning.
Was your breakup due to real incompatibility or just simple bad timing and misunderstandings? Tell me what you think in the comment section below.