Recently I noticed that one of the most popular articles at Attract The One about how to get your ex back, was getting traffic for ‘how to get back together with an introvert.’
The more I thought about it, the more I realized that getting back together with an introvert IS different, just like dating an introvert has it’s own challenges. I’m an introvert myself, and I remember how turned off I was when my extroverted ex did certain things he considered normal that seriously turned me off when he tried (and failed) to get me back.
In my private coaching, I often explain how to get your ex back. Here’s my best breakup advice about how to get back together with an introvert:
1. Take any and all communication with your introvert ex very seriously.
If your introvert ex reaches out to you for ANY REASON, treat it seriously. Do not take forever to respond and definitely do not ignore them. Do not take the fact that they’re contacting you for granted. They don’t reach out lightly, because of the energy cost to them to do so.
If you want your introvert ex back in your life, they must feel like it’s safe to communicate with you. Be kind and prompt with them, no matter how crappy the breakup was or what happened between you.
Since letting you into their life is serious to them, you need to understand what you want with them in advance before engaging them at all. If you aren’t 100% sure you want them back, DO NOT reach out and start the process of trying to get back into their life. You can’t pop up with cute cat photos and then fade out again. Don’t toy with their emotions at all. They will decide you aren’t a source of positive reinforcement and go complete no contact, forever. That’s what’s at stake here.
2. Go slooooowwwwww.
Give them more time than you would need for everything— probably twice the amount of time that would feel good to you. They need time to think about whether they want to do things with you, whether they want you around and whether they want to even respond to your texts.
You absolutely can’t make the mistake of pushing for more of their time, attention or feelings right away. They have to warm up to you and the idea of letting you back into their life. The introvert will go at their own slow pace, and this can be super frustrating, especially when all you want is for them to put their arms around you and say everything is going to be all right.
Before you say ANYTHING to criticize the way your ex communicates with you, consider the cost. Don’t with the battle of “you don’t text me enough” and lose the whole relationship in the long term. What they offer you right now– especially while you’re broken up– has to be enough for you. You simply can’t make demands on an introvert when they have mentally marked you out of their life. You can request and ask for their time, but you can NEVER demand it.
3. Take nothing personally.
When you’re trying to get your ex back, a thick skin is already essential.
Since the introvert needs more alone time, it will seem like they stay colder toward you longer than if you were trying to get back together with an extrovert. Getting their attention at all might be harder than if they were more extroverted.
4. Don’t bombard them with communication.
Make sure that when you call or text them, you give AMPLE time for them to respond to your communication. Don’t do any more than 1 to 1 texting or calling. Never get upset at them for the tone or volume of their responses.
Understand that if you dumped them, they might be punishing you and the only remedy is to patiently take it. If they dumped you, you have to understand that usually when an introvert is really done with you, they won’t respond much to you at all because you sap their energy.
Either way, an introvert will withdraw their attention from an ex quickly and cooly. So, when you’re trying to get an introvert back, no matter what the circumstances are, you can’t press for more than they’re ready to give you since you will overwhelm them and mess up your chances of getting them back.
4. Follow through with any and all agreements.
You CANNOT FLAKE ON PLANS WITH YOUR INTROVERT EX. Don’t play the “bigger, better plans” game with them and change what you are doing mid-stream. Don’t be shady or slow to get back to them. Do not make “maybe” plans.
The fact that they’re agreeing to anything with you right now is a big deal, so you have to treat it that way, even though you shouldn’t necessarily tell them you know that.
5. Don’t try to be their “friend.”
Being “friends” with an ex who you want back is never a good idea. With an introvert, it’s an even worse thing to try since they value their alone time so much.
I promise you, you don’t have it in you to be a truly good friend to your introvert ex. Don’t try to wiggle into their life by promising friendship and then try to bait and switch them back into your relationship.
Since you want the whole enchilada— a romantic relationship— you have to start by knowing what you want and then trying to get that (like you are by reading this). You can’t go half way or do half measures like offer friendship because you will kill your momentum in getting back together with them.
6. Be stalwart.
What do I mean by stalwart? I mean that if you make an agreement, you must keep it. Like I said before, decide what you want FIRST and then be patient with them. Getting back together with an introvert is a marathon, not a sprint.
An introvert will never forgive you if you toy with their heart by at first wanting to get back together and then change your mind later on.
They take the people they allow into their lives very seriously, so if you have their attention and they are responding to your attempts to communicate with them, that has to be enough for you right now.
Like all exes, it takes an introvert TIME to warm back up to you, but more time than it would an extrovert, because the extrovert generally wants and can handle more interaction with people.
On a good day, an introvert might find you a little overwhelming, but during a breakup, you have gone from being a source of joy to a potential source of pain.
Understand that now you’re broken up– if your introverted ex wants to spend time with you at all it will take them more time to recharge from being around you than it normally did when you were happily coupled up.
7. Don’t poke them when they go into their cave.
An introvert will pull back from any relationship more than an extrovert so they can recharge– since they get their energy back when they’re alone.
This can be frustrating and unsettling because you really aren’t sure whether they are ever going to come around. An introvert’s need for space requires patience all the time, but even more than usual when you’re trying to get them back.
Do NOT take their need for alone time personally– either now or after you succeed in getting them back.
8. Spontaneity is a NO.
If you have something really great in mind that you know they would enjoy but it’s available only at the last minute, you can try and suggest it, but you cannot take it personally if they don’t want to do it.
If your introverted ex already thinks they’re spending their evening in their pajamas on the couch, wild horses won’t pull them away from this plan at the last minute.
You have to honor the idea that your introvert really needs at least 24 hours (or more) of planning time to mentally pencil you into their schedule. Don’t ask them on Friday night what they’re doing this weekend. They likely have that already figured out, even if their plans don’t make sense to you (like how I would really enjoy doing a lot of things, but alone).
For example, if you want time during their weekend, start putting your feelers out on Tuesday or Wednesday. To an extrovert, this amount to time might seem a little (okay, absurdly) excessive. To an introvert, it seems kind and considerate to let them mentally plan.
9. Do NOT suggest group activities.
Once you reach the phase of getting back together where you are starting to hang out with them again, do not suggest group activities.
One on one is the way to go if you want to get an introvert back and rekindle your relationship. Do not do the thing where you invite them out somewhere and suddenly you’re all hanging out with Jim and Susie because you thought it would be fun for all of you to “catch up.”
Your introvert ex will feel like you don’t respect their time because they got ready for one thing and now they have to cope with more people.
Understand that group activities are draining for your introvert partner in the best of times. When your relationship is shaky or you’re trying to get back together with an introvert, inviting other people will feel invasive and most likely offend them. They need to know the expectations surrounding an event in advance so they can mentally prepare.
Wait until you have both warmed up and have discussed solidifying your relationship again before you do anything as a group. And even then, please don’t spring more people on them without asking them first. It makes your introvert feel like their company isn’t “enough” for you.