This is Clay with Relationship Inner Game. Today, we’re going to talk about why your ex doesn’t respond when you text them and what to do when your ex doesn’t text you back.
This is for people who are going through a breakup, want to get back together with their ex, work things out and save their relationship.
There are a couple of reasons why your ex won’t respond to you when you send them a text message.
Before getting into that, I want to make sure that you’re not inventing stories to tell yourself in your mind about why your ex doesn’t reply like:
“My ex didn’t respond to my text because they hate me and they have fallen in love with someone new and they never cared about me and our whole relationship was fake and I mean nothing to them now.”
You have this wonderful thing in your mind we call your BS machine. It takes these blanks and fills in the missing details with the worst-case possible scenario about why things happen.
I’ve seen it over and over and over again. People think:
“My ex hasn’t responded to me or texted me back, it must be because they found someone new, they don’t like me anymore and hate me, right?”
And that’s not necessarily always the reason why your ex is not responding to your texts! It’s not realistic to jump to the conclusion of assuming the worst thing possible.
Don’t do that.
Instead, don’t feel as if you need to fill in the blank with a worst-case possible scenario for why your ex isn’t responding to you.
In fact, here are 3 reasons why your ex doesn’t respond when you text them that you may want to consider BEFORE you jump to the worst possible case scenario.
1. Emotional reactance.
Now, the number one reason why a lot of people’s exes do not respond to them after a breakup is because of reactance.
I’ve talked about reactance in many of my videos, books and programs.
Reactance is basically an emotional state that people feel when they think that somebody else has an ulterior motive and they are trying to force you into whatever that outcome might be.
Often, people’s exes have this state of reactance towards them because they think that their ex wants to get back together.
Your ex might fear that when you contact them, when you interact with them, when you’re talking with them, when you’re inviting them out to do things, it’s because you have the hidden agenda of getting back together with them.
If your ex thinks that’s what you want and where you’re trying to steer them, then they are going to distance themselves and pull away from you.
You might be thinking, “Well, I DO want my ex back. What am I supposed to do? Am I supposed to hide my desire or agenda?”
And my answer is no. You’re not supposed to do that.
What I’d rather you do is simply acknowledge the fact that you don’t necessarily want JUST any relationship. You don’t want to JUST “get back together” with your ex.
What you really want is to have a real, deep connection with this person in your life, right?
You want to have a connection with this person regardless of whether that takes the form of a romantic relationship or not. You want to feel connected with them. You don’t want just a relationship.
I want a relationship where I can feel connected with somebody else. There are lots of people out there who have a romantic relationship but hate that relationship, right?
That’s because they don’t have the connection. They don’t have any of the other things that they want in a relationship.
Trust that once you have that connection again, the relationship will come about organically.
That’s probably how things happened when the two of you first got together. It wasn’t like you said, “Let’s have a relationship” right away.
Instead, you say, “Hey, let’s get to know each other.”
You talk and think, “hey, it seems like you and I have a lot in common. Do you want to get together for coffee, maybe we can talk some more, maybe get together for drink afterwards?”
And then… “you’re really cool, let’s go out on a second date. I know this great restaurant over here.”
And eventually, it was like, “You know, we have a lot in common. We have a lot of common values. So let’s go ahead and be in a relationship.”
That’s probably how you started dating originally. It happened because of the connection.
Go for the emotional connection with your ex and then the relationship will organically grow.
So that brings us back to this whole thing about the hidden agenda.
Because your ex might suspect that you have a hidden agenda, they might think that you want to use them as a means to an end— to get a relationship, a girlfriend, a boyfriend, a commitment or something like that.
They might think that you are using them as a stepping-stone to get that thing. And they may feel as if you’re trying to steer them in this direction that they may not be emotionally ready to go.
That’s why you have to be mindful of reactance.
If you are contacting your ex and they are not responding to you, it could very well be because of that reactance.
To learn how to create an emotional connection with your ex, fill out the quick quiz and get your free copy of my report, 5 Unconscious Signs Your Ex Still Wants You (Hint: C.A.P.E.T.) here now.
2. Your ex has other things going on.
The second reason why your ex does not respond to your texts is because of things that are going on in their life.
I know that when your ex doesn’t respond to you, it’s pretty common to think (or ask)…
“What did I do wrong?”
“Why aren’t you responding to my texts?”
“Why does my ex read my texts but not reply?”
“What do I do when my ex won’t text me back?”
“I texted my ex girl/boyfriend and s/he won’t reply”
Often why your ex isn’t responding has nothing to do with you whatsoever but it has EVERYTHING to do with what’s going on in their life.
Maybe they are busy with school, work or a hobby and they just don’t have the time to really respond to your messages.
Right now, maybe they don’t have the emotional and mental capacity or the physical time to respond to you.
Just recently we had a question from somebody whose ex wasn’t responding to her. It was because her ex was rehearsing for a play. He’s sitting there memorizing his lines and he doesn’t have really the emotional space or capacity to respond to her text messages.
Your ex could simply have something else going on in their life.
Another common reason why people’s ex won’t text back is when they go on vacation and they’re like, “Well, my ex stopped responding to my texts because he’s off sailing through the Greek islands (or somewhere).”
When you’re on vacation you’re not in the same head space that you are back at home. You’re thinking, “Oh, this is great. This is beautiful. I want to see this famous thing. I want to go this place.” And there can be time differences and all that travel-related stuff.
There might be something going on in your exe’s life that is pulling their attention away from you. That could be one of the reasons why your ex won’t respond to your texts or doesn’t text you back.
3. The way you approached them.
The third reason your ex may not respond to you is the way that you contacted them.
It might be the way that you initiated the content of the message that you sent them, right?
We’ve talked about reactance, we’ve talked about your ex and their stuff but now we’re going to turn things around and talk about how maybe it’s the way you have approached your ex.
Often people contact their ex in a way that their ex might (rightly or wrongly) interpret as desperate or needy.
That can definitely be a turn-off for your ex. In those cases, it is important you adjust the approach you’re using.
But it’s not always about your approach. Sure, it can be some of the time, but many other times when your ex doesn’t respond there are other things going on with them besides just the words in your text message.
So, don’t automatically jump to the conclusion that your ex isn’t responding to you because you used the wrong words when you texted your ex. There can be any number of other things going on that cause your ex to not respond to your texts… yet.
I hope this has helped you understand why your ex may not be responding to your messages.
To learn more about exactly what to do when your ex won’t text you back, please head on over to my website and fill out the quiz.
After you do that, I’ll send over your free report, 5 Unconscious Signs Your Ex Still Wants You (Hint: C.A.P.E.T.).
Thousands of people have filled out that quiz over the years. We have helped a lot of them get back together and create amazing relationships with the people that they used to call their exes.
If you’d like to join them and get back together with your ex, start by clicking here and filling out the quiz.