Today we are going to be talking about the 5 things your ex needs to know before they will ever get back together with you.
So maybe you’re going through a breakup and you have been trying to get back together with your ex. You’ve tried apologizing, begging and pleading.
But no matter what you try you’re just met with reasons why your ex does not want to get back together.
So, what do you do to rekindle your relationship and get back together with your ex? How do you even begin to bypass the wall your ex is putting up?
First of all, there are a lot of things that you can do to get around that wall. There are a whole lot of emotional dynamics going on that I don’t have the time or space to talk about here but to get more in depth advice, tips and strategies to get your ex back, sign up for my newsletter here.
For now, I’m going to shed a little bit of light on why your ex and you are hitting that wall. Specifically, what it is your ex needs to know from you before they’ll even consider getting back together with you?
1. You’re genuinely sorry for what you did wrong.
The first thing that your ex needs to know before they will ever even consider getting back together with you is that you are genuinely sorry for anything you might have done wrong that contributed to the breakup.
Now, it’s my belief that any breakup is equally your fault and also your ex’s fault. I’m not saying anyone is to blame for it. It’s just you both had equal responsibility in creating the situation that caused the breakup.
So maybe you weren’t as open with your communication. And, maybe your ex didn’t let you know that they wanted to you communicate better.
But if there is something that you genuinely did that was not cool like cheated on them or lied to them about something important then you’re going to have to totally apologize for that.
It can’t just be one of those, “OK, I’m sorry. Let’s get back together now.” No. You’re going to have to actually be genuine about your apology. Your apology has to come from like a genuine place deep down inside.
Until this happens, you are never going to be able to get back together with them because in their mind, they are going to always be thinking, “Oh yeah, you’re the person that cheated on me. How would I even talk to you?” or, “You’re the person that lied to me about whatever. Shut up. I’m not even going to listen to you.” They’re just not even going to be open to it.
You have to get that apology out there in the right way so you’ll be able to get past your exe’s negative feelings so you can even start to do some of the other things that we’re going to talk about.
You have to apologize and it has to be a real, genuine apology. You can’t go through the motions like, “Hey, I’m sorry. I don’t know what I did but I’m sorry.”
You have to really mean it.
2. You have consistently positive interactions.
The second thing that you need to communicate to your ex before they’ll even ever consider getting back together with you is that the two of you can have positive interactions with one another.
By positive interactions, I mean interactions where the two of you can be real and genuine and authentic with one another.
You have to be able to have conversations about things that really matter. You have to be able to talk about more than just work, sports, the weather or the friend both of you know and like to gossip about. You want to be able to take it down into a deeper level where you’re being honest, real, and having meaningful conversations.
Sure, it might be a happy conversation. But it also might be a sad conversation. The two of you might end up crying. You might end up with a lot of pain and regret. But, at the end of the conversation, the two of you are emotionally closer.
You have to be able to have those sorts of positive interactions with your ex if you are going to even begin to get back together with them.
Your ex wants to have somebody in their life that is going to be able to go deep with them. You don’t want to be in a shallow relationship with someone.
And, you want to know if something goes really bad or there’s some sort of big drama in your life that you have somebody who is going to be there for you.
Until you can communicate this to your ex through your interactions with one another, they are not going to be very interested in getting back together with you.
You might be a fling. You might be friends with benefits but you’re not going to be in a real relationship.
That’s why positive, deep interactions are something that you need to be able to demonstrate to them.
3. You’re curious and empathetic toward them.
You have to be able to understand their world and see things from their point of view.
You have to be able to understand what they’re going through and understand things as if it was actually happening to you.
There is a difference between intellectually understanding your ex, like:
“Yeah, my ex is really stressed out studying for their master’s degree.”
Instead, you have to really empathize, like:
“It must be really tough going for your master’s degree and having to study until 2AM every night at the same time that you’re going through this breakup with me and I’ve been reaching out trying to get together with you. That must be really hard. If I was going through that, I would totally not blame you for shutting down. It’s a lot to deal with. And I can understand why you shut down.”
4. They can trust you.
The fourth thing that you need to show your ex before they’ll even consider getting back together with you is that they can trust you. I don’t just mean shallow trust like, “You can trust me around other women.”
It’s also about trusting you to keep your word and follow through on what you say you’re going to do. It’s trusting you to be there for them if you say you’re going to be there for them.
If they can’t trust you to be the person that you project out into the world— the good boyfriend or the good girlfriend and if they know that at the end of the day when things get bad that you’re just going to bail on them, pack up and leave or shut down emotionally then that’s going to cause them to not trust you.
This means a couple of different things. Number one, it means don’t have your mouth be writing checks that you can’t cash. Don’t promise things that you can’t follow through on. If you know yourself and you know that you can’t follow through on it then don’t be promising that.
Second, you have to actually follow through on the things you say that you’re going to do if you want to inspire your ex to trust you and recommit to you.
Again, this is deeper than just, “Hey, I said I’d be here at 5. I’m here at 5.”
It’s also about much more than that. It’s also about the emotional trust between you.
Emotional trust is something that happens over a period of time, right?
You can’t just say some magic combination of words that are going to turn your ex from somebody who doesn’t trust you into somebody who does trust you.
You have to build up that foundation of trust through consistency over a period of time.
That period of time is going to be different for each person’s ex based on their own experience and their own traumas in the past. If you’re consistent over time your ex will start to trust you again. But you have to have consistency in the meantime.
5. They aren’t going back to the same broken relationship they left.
The final thing your ex needs from you before they will ever trust you again is they have to really, really know that they aren’t walking back into the same old broken relationship that they walked out on in the first place.
Your ex has to know and understand that they are not getting back into the same broken relationship with the same broken dynamics, poor communication, lack of trust and lack of understanding they walked out the door on in the first place.
The only reason your ex would come back WITHOUT knowing things have really changed is if they have low self-esteem and don’t think that they can do any better than you.
It’s not very inspiring for you to think, “Yeah, I want my ex to have low self-esteem so that they don’t think they can do any better than me. Yeah, that sounds pretty awesome. I’m the best you got, baby. I’m the best you can ever get— you had better settle now and compromise for me.”
I don’t think anyone wants that, right?
That’s why you want to change the dynamic between the two of you. When you change that dynamic, you will start showing your ex that they aren’t playing the same game anymore.
Then, if they get back together with you, it’s not going to be the same old, same old. Your relationship is not going to be whatever didn’t work before. It’s not going to be all the same fights, cheating or whatever painful things happened before. Something is fundamentally different between you.
This is going to require you to look at your breakup and what didn’t work.
You have to say to yourself, “I know my breakup better than anyone else and it probably came from the lack of communication. Therefore, if I can demonstrate to my ex that we can communicate better then that’s going to show them that they’re not walking back into the same thing.”
Those have been the 5 things that your ex needs to know from you before they’ll ever even consider getting back together with you.
To learn more about how to get back together with your ex, please head on over to our website. Fill out the short quiz about where you’re at and what you’re going through specifically.
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If you’ve ever broken up with somebody, has there been anything that you’ve really wanted from them that you just absolutely would never consider even getting back together with them unless they change that thing?
If so, please go ahead and leave a comment down below.