Hey, there! This is Clay with Relationship Inner Game. Today we’re going to be talking about five signs that you are on track to getting back together with an ex.
I know that it can be very difficult to know if you’re making progress at getting back together because there are a lot of strange twists and turns that go along with the territory.
But let’s talk about some actual signs that you’re actually making progress in getting back together.
1. You’re out of damage control mode.
The first sign that you’re on track to get back together is that you are out of damage control mode. Immediately after a breakup, people generally go into damage control mode. I’ve been there myself. It happens almost like clockwork.
By damage control mode, I mean when you hear about the breakup, you’re like, “Huh? I know it was bad but I didn’t know it was that bad. What can I do to fix things? I know! I’m going to send my ex lots of text messages and buy them gifts. I’m going to apologize. I’m going to promise up and down that I’ve changed and freak out whenever they post anything on Facebook because WHO is that guy in the photo next to you? Oh my god! I’m losing my mind.”
That’s damage control mode.
This is a terrible place to be in if you actually want to get back together with your ex because everything that you do is based out of fear, anxiety, scarcity and lack and really bad emotions.
As long as this continues, you are going to overreact to a lot of things that happen or don’t happen.
You’ll be like, “Why didn’t you like my post on Facebook? You liked every other post on Facebook. How come she defriended me all of a sudden? Why would you not return my text message?”
All this stuff is going to cause you to freak out.
If you’re freaking out, you’re going to do things that you regret that won’t help you.
So, getting out of damage control mode is your very first priority if you want to get back together with your ex. OK? So, if you’ve gotten out of damage control mode, congratulations. You are making progress.
2. You have stopped trying to decode everything that happens with your ex.
The second sign that you are on track and making progress with your ex is that you are starting to detach yourself from stories.
By stories I mean these stories that we tell ourselves about what happens, what didn’t happen and all of that stuff.
She didn’t respond to your text message. What does that mean?
He defriended you on Facebook. What does that mean?
As long as you are trying to fill in the blanks with a story, chances are, those blanks are going to be filled in with some sort of deep fear, deep insecurity, and deep beliefs that you have about yourself.
Like, “She is probably going to date that guy because he looks way taller than me and I’ve always been insecure about my height. Obviously, she likes him because the taller, the better.”
Or, “Look at her. She has got like huge boobs like why wouldn’t he date her?”
As long as you’re operating from this place where your stories are injecting their own meaning into what’s happening or not happening, you’re going to backslide into damage control mode and spin around in circles.
You’re not really going to make any progress in getting back together because you’re going to attach yourself to these stories, believing and buying into them. That’s going to hold you back from really seeing what might actually be happening.
And at the end of the day, you don’t really know what happened.
You don’t know why your ex unfriended you.
You don’t know why your ex didn’t text you back.
You don’t know if your ex is actually happier without you.
You don’t actually know any of these things for sure.
So stop assuming that you know what your ex is doing and just know what you want which is probably to connect with your ex and then keep moving forward. Don’t attach yourself to imaginary stories about all these other things.
3. You’re not relying upon hope.
The third sign that you are making progress getting back together with an ex is that you are not dependent on hope.
One of the most common questions that we get about is:
“Here is my story, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Is there still hope? What are the odds of us getting back together? What are the chances we can get back together?”
I understand that some people might like to have hope but the only people that actually NEED hope are the people who don’t believe that it’s possible.
If you don’t believe that it is possible to get back together with your ex, then it doesn’t really matter what I or anyone says or does to convince you otherwise.
I get tons of success stories from people who write me and say, “Hey, Clay. I followed your breakup advice and it took a couple of months but me and my ex are back together again now. Thanks for helping me out during that tough time back there.”
And after reading success stories like this day in and day out for a very long time— maybe even stories that are quite similar to yours— you will NOT believe them if you don’t believe that it is possible to get back together with your ex.
You will just think something like:
“Oh, that was a different story. They are in their 40s. They’re more mature. I’m in my 20s.”
“They’re in their 20s. They are more young and open to new things. I’m in 40s. People are more set in their ways.”
“Oh, that was a long distance relationship.”
“Oh, he makes more money than I do so of course she came back at the end.”
“Oh, she did something rather different so of course he came back.”
If you don’t believe it’s possible to get your ex back, then it doesn’t matter if anyone gives you real hope. Even when there IS hope.
It doesn’t matter because deep down, you don’t believe it’s possible to get back together.
The thing is, if you move forward and try to get back together with your ex, there are going to be challenges. Your ex is going to pull away. Your ex might end up in a rebound relationship. Your ex might say something like, “Hey, maybe we should stop seeing each other.”
Your ex might distance themselves from you for any number of reasons.
There are going to be setbacks when you try to get back together. This IS going to happen.
If you don’t believe that it’s possible to get back together with your ex, if you’re just looking around for hope then you’re going to hit one of these obstacles.
And… you know what’s going to happen then?
You’re not going to have what it takes to get through the obstacles and you’re going to give up. This applies not just to getting back together with your ex but in every area of your life.
If you hit one of these obstacles and you don’t fundamentally believe in yourself and you’re looking for some external thing outside of you— whether that’s my opinion— or the situation looks or seems a certain way, then you’re going to give up.
You have to believe in yourself.
You have to KNOW that it is possible to get back together with an ex.
And, I can tell you that it is possible to get YOUR ex back because I have all the messages from thousands of people telling me that they got back together with their ex.
I KNOW that it is possible to get back together with an ex.
So, don’t worry about chances or hope or anything like that. Just know what you want and go after it. That is one of the most important things that I can tell you about getting back together.
4. You’re making ANY progress at all.
The fourth sign that you are making progress in getting back together is that you are making any progress at all.
There are two ways of looking at progress.
First you can think, “OK. I want to be here back together but there’s still this big amount of distance between us.”
On the other hand you can say, “OK. I’m here. But I started way over here and I’ve come THIS far.”
It’s much more effective to look at how far you’ve come rather than how far there is still to go because as long as you’re looking at how far there is to go, you’re still focused on what’s missing, lacking and what isn’t there that you THINK should be there.
That negative attitude about your progress in getting back together is not very helpful, resourceful or motivating. It’s more discouraging than anything else.
So, that’s not what I encourage you to do at all.
Instead, I want you to look at how far you have come.
Has your ex gone from not talking to you at all to maybe talking to you from time to time?
Maybe you occasionally have a good heart to heart talk but sometimes he pulls away. Sometimes she goes cold on you. But you DO talk.
That’s progress. As long as you’re making progress, that’s definitely a sign that you’re on track to get your ex back.
It doesn’t have to be perfect progress. It’s not like, “Oh, we broke up and now suddenly, they are like romancing me and taking me on a romantic weekend getaway.”
Obviously, that would be progress, but that’s not necessarily the kind of progress I’m talking about. If you’re making any kind of progress at all like, “Hey, they wouldn’t talk to me and now they are at least open to talking to me and giving me like little short-terse answers or something like that.”
That is progress and it shows that you actually are on your way somewhere. So progress is the fourth sign that you are on track to get back together with an ex.
5. You’re creating positive interactions with your ex.
The fifth sign that you are on track to get back together with your ex is that you are creating positive interactions with them.
By positive interaction, I don’t necessarily mean, “Yay! Happy fun time. Everything is fun and wonderful!!!” Although it could definitely look like that, it doesn’t necessarily have to be that way.
By positive interaction, I mean that the two of you are simply being real with one another– being honest, open, vulnerable and transparent in sharing with one another.
Positive interactions with your ex MIGHT look like happy fun time.
It might also involve the two of you crying and hugging each other and talking about how maybe you’ve let each other down in the past and how you regret that a lot. Positive interactions with your ex could take a number of forms.
The common denominator with positive interactions is that they happen on a deeper emotional level than talking about sports, TV shows or the weather (or whatever else).
Positive emotional interactions with your ex take place at a deeper level. You’re talking about your emotional experience and what’s going on in that emotional world between the two of you.
As long as you’re having these positive interactions, know that you are healing the emotional gap between you and your ex. As that gap heals and closes in, what’s going to happen is that you’ll eventually going to get back together in some form. Keep that in mind when it comes to whether or not you’re making progress getting back together with your ex.
I hope these five signs that you’re on track to get back together with your ex have been helpful and informative for you. To learn more about how to get back together with your ex, please go ahead and check out my website.
Once you’re there, fill out the short quiz about your breakup and what’s going on with you.
Next, we’ll send your free report— 5 Unconscious Signs Your Ex Still Wants You (HINT: C.A.P.E.T.) and customized breakup advice to help you get back together with your ex.