Today we are going to be talking about five signs your ex does NOT want you back (at least for right now).
1. They just married someone else.
The first sign that your ex doesn’t want to get back together with you is that they have recently gotten married to someone else.
Once got a message from a guy who saw one of my videos, was on our newsletter and had been listening to what I was saying.
He said to himself, “OK. There has been this girl that I used to date and I was in love with 10 years ago. I’m going to go ahead and reach out to her and try all this stuff out that Clay recommends. We’ll see if I can get her back.”
Anyway, he reaches out to her and she replied, “Hey, thanks for reaching out. But I just got married to another guy two days ago.”
The guy writes back to me and says, “What you talked about doesn’t work. It doesn’t work!”
I’m like, “dude, come on. She got married two days ago. Two days after her getting married to someone else is probably the lowest point that she would ever be interested in you.”
Now again, it’s probably not always going to be that way because sometimes things go down over time. But sometimes they go up too.
Immediately after getting married, your ex is going to be the most interested in the person that they married. They’re probably NOT going to be very interested in getting back together with an ex at that time.
If that’s you, sorry, maybe you waited a little bit too long.
2. The dynamic between you hasn’t changed.
The second sign that your ex does not want to get back together with you is if there hasn’t really been any change in the dynamic between the two of you.
Your ex isn’t going to want to walk back into the same relationship that they walked out of in the first place. It’s just not going to happen.
The only reason that they would ever want to get back together without any changes if they have a low self-esteem and don’t think that they can get another boyfriend or girlfriend.
In that case, they’re going to be like, “OK. I went out there and tried dating someone else. The grass is greener and all, but it turned out nobody really liked me. So, you want to give it another shot, baby?”
That is not super sexy, right? You want to do better than having someone settle for you.
If you want your ex to be inspired to get back together with you then you want to really demonstrate change.
Demonstrate that there’s a damn good reason that they should actually want to get back together with you. Show them that things are going to be different between you and them moving forward. That’s really, really important.
3. They are still emotionally reactive to you.
The third sign that your ex does not want to get back together with you is if is a lot of emotional reactance on their part.
First, reactance, is a word that a lot of people don’t recognize. Let’s just do a little kind of catch up on what that really means.
Reactance is the feeling you get when somebody is trying to railroad you into something that you really don’t want to do and it only benefits them or meets their agenda.
Say you’re walking down the street just trying to go to the grocery store and get some eggs or whatever. Someone comes up to you with a clipboard and says, “Hey, do you have a moment to help starving children?”
You’re just trying to run an errand and you feel guilty for saying, “No, I don’t have time to help starving children.” Or you say, “Yeah, I want to help some starving children.”
Before you know it, they have hooked you into some conversation about how you should donate money to this charity or sign some petition. All you really wanted was to get some eggs and they railroaded you into this conversation.
And I’m not saying it’s right or wrong that people are out there with clipboards trying to get petitions signed and charities donated to, but it often does raise a lot of reactance for some people.
Another example of reactance might be it’s a relaxing Sunday afternoon. You’re at home just sort of chilling out, resting before your Monday starts. Your doorbell rings. You get up, open the door and it’s somebody in a nice, polished suit. He’s holding a vacuum cleaner in one hand and puts his foot right in the door jamb so you can’t close the door and then he says, “Might I interest you in this amazing, handy dandy suck-o-matic 5,000 vacuum cleaner?”
Then he comes right in and starts demonstrating the vacuum cleaner to you and tries to convince you to buy it right then and there.
The feeling of reactance happens because you don’t actually want to have this conversation about the vacuum cleaner. You just want to get back to relaxing and doing whatever it is you do on a Sunday afternoon, right? That feeling when you opened the door and there’s the vacuum cleaner salesman, is reactance.
For a lot of people going through a breakup who want to get back together with their ex, their ex is feeling a lot of reactance towards them.
Maybe you want to get back together with your ex but your ex is not emotionally ready to get back together with you. So every time you contact them and say, “Hey, we should get back together.” Nope. Nope. They’re not going to do it.
Just as the vacuum cleaner salesman is going to get no most of the time and most people will try to avoid the guy with the clipboard on the street— your ex will avoid doing what you want.
That doesn’t mean that you can’t do anything about it. You can absolutely lower your ex’s reactance through connecting with them on an emotional level using advanced relational skills that we talk about in many of our other videos, articles and on our website.
But if your ex has a lot of reactance toward you, they’re not going to want to get back together with you.
The good news is that over time you can lower their reactance. But as long as that reactance is high, they’re not going to want to get back together with you.
4. There are still a ton of hurt feelings between you.
The fourth sign that your ex doesn’t want to get back together with you is there are still a lot of hurt feelings.
This goes beyond mere reactance but it builds off of whatever may or not have happened during the breakup. Maybe there was betrayal, cheating or lying or whatever that happened during the breakup. Your exe’s feelings were hurt and if they are still holding on to that, they are not going to want to get back together with you.
You’re going to have to get past that before you can even begin to focus on the emotional connection, overcoming reactance, even getting back together. You’re going to have to get past those hurt and angry feelings.
This means you’re probably going to have to apologize to your ex for whatever it is that you did wrong. Now, a lot of times people think they just need to apologize no matter what. That’s not always the case. Some people don’t need to apologize.
But if there is something that you genuinely did wrong, then yeah, you need to apologize. Otherwise your next is never going to be able to get past that and they’re just going to always think of you as, “their jerk ex who did or didn’t do XYZ.”
So, if you really need to apologize, then apologize. But if you just don’t know what else to do or what you’re apologizing for, then you don’t need to apologize.
5. You’re not genuinely listening to them.
The fifth thing that is a sign that your ex doesn’t want to get back together with you is if you’re not genuinely listening to them. So, I know a lot of people think that they’re good at listening but really, what they’re doing is not genuinely listening.
Instead, they’re listening to their own filter of, “What does this mean about me?”
“What does this mean I should do to make them happy?”
“What does this mean that I should do so they’re not angry at me anymore?”
“What should I do to be attractive to my ex?”
As long as you are filtering what your ex is saying through what it means about YOU, you’re not really hearing them.
I want to encourage you to drop all of your trying to look good, damage control, trying to make them happy, please them, win them over, all of that stuff. Instead, you listen to whatever it is they are actually saying.
Listen to the fact that your ex is hurt.
Listen to the fact that they feel disappointed, NOT so you can defend yourself or prove them wrong.
Listen NOT so that you can do anything except really listen to them.
Deeply listening like that can really actually change things because for a lot of people, there are actually two exes in their life.
There is the ex out in the real world who is talking and there is the imaginary ex in their head— the person that they think they have to impress. And, instead of listening to the person in the world, they are listening to the ex in their head.
Don’t listen to the imaginary ex in your head. Focus on the real world version of your ex.
If you want help getting back together with your ex, please head on over to my website.
Take the quick quiz and get your free copy of our report, 5 Signs Your Ex Unconsciously Wants You (Hint: C.A.P.E.T). Then, we’ll send you customized advice and strategies and tactics to help you get back together with the person that you love.
And, go ahead and get the conversation started down below. If you’ve ever broken up with somebody, what have been the big telltale signs you just didn’t want to get back together with your ex?