This is Clay with Relationship Inner Game. I am the world’s leading expert on breakups for high achievers.
Today we’re going to talk about five things that people do that actually piss their ex off after a breakup.
I know a lot of people don’t intend to make their ex angry— they think they’re doing the right thing. They think they are moving things forward but these are some things that people very commonly after a breakup that actually rub your ex in the wrong way.
1. Apologizing to your ex.
And, it should come as no surprise that groveling doesn’t work to get your ex back. Otherwise, you wouldn’t be here reading this article.
The reason apologizing often makes your ex angry is because it often seems like, “too little, too late” basically.
Apologizing to your ex makes them think, “well, now you’re apologizing but I had to actually hit the eject button on the relationship to get you to notice there were problems. No, I want you to actually see that problems are happening. I want you to be able to adjust course and not just wait for to reach this crisis point in order for this to happen,” right?
To be honest, oftentimes your apology doesn’t really seem genuine. It just seems like you are apologizing because you just want to get things back to normal. It doesn’t seem like you actually have a genuine feeling of sorrow for whatever it was that you are apologizing for.
Instead, make sure you really empathize with your ex. You aren’t just making an apology to get things back to normal. You care about their feelings, you’re not just apologizing because something bad happened or because your ex is upset.
You want to be apologizing because you actually understand how your ex feels. You can empathize with them and connect with them and say,
“I get it. I understand that I hurt you and I’m really sorry for that. I hurt you this way, I don’t blame you if you feel this way, I don’t blame you if you feel these things, I’m sorry.”
That’s the right way to apologize to your ex.
2. Having a hidden agenda.
Oftentimes we have a lot of people who are on my email newsletter and want to get back together their ex after a breakup. Oftentimes their attitude toward their ex is, “I want to get back together with you. I’m going to do whatever it takes to get back together with you.”
Whether they vocalize this or not is entirely aside the point, but oftentimes they don’t vocalize this. I’m not saying that they should– but they don’t vocalize it– and then they they contact their ex, ask their ex out for coffee, try to go on dates and do all these things with their ex, but they do it from a place of having a hidden agenda of wanting to get back together with their ex, right?
It’s having the attitude:
“I only want to contact you I can get back together with you.”
“I only want to go out to get coffee with you so that will lead to us getting back together.”
“I only want to talk to you so that will lead to us getting back together.”
That attitude makes your ex angry because they don’t want to be with somebody who has a hidden agenda about wanting to get into a relationship with them.
What your ex wants is to have an interaction with somebody who is curious about them— who they are, what they are experiencing right now and who genuinely wants to connect, interact and have a shared experience with them in this moment, right?
Your ex doesn’t want to feel like you are trying to possess them and get back together so you can feel better about yourself. That’s the difference between having a hidden agenda and enjoying the process.
Yes, you can absolutely get back together to your ex but you have to enjoy the process along the way. You can’t just see everything that you do as a means to an end of getting back together.
3. You’re acting fake and pretending.
The third thing that actually pisses your ex off is when you pretend you’re feeling a certain way when you aren’t. This idea builds on the idea of having a hidden agenda with your ex.
Oftentimes, a lot of people believe that they need to put out this vibe, a certain vibe. Oftentimes, it’s like the I’m happy vibe like everything’s great with me. “I’m so happy, my life is wonderful” kind of vibe or sometimes with men, they think you need to be an alpha male, like, “yeah buckaroo! I got this one head off” that kind of thing, right?
Women think they need to play hard to get and all that stuff. So, these are all kinds of things but the most common one I’ve noticed is the “always being happy” thing.
Now, I’m not saying you should go out of your way to be like depressed or anything like that but to simply pretend all the time that your life is nothing but sunshine, rainbows and unicorns is not being authentic and genuine.
And, your ex doesn’t want to deal with somebody who’s chronically, manically happy all the time— otherwise they just go out and date like a circus clown right?
Your ex wants to be with somebody who has the full spectrum of emotions. That includes sadness, anxiety, fear, happiness— all of the emotions.
They want to have a human experience with somebody and share the many chapters of life— not just spend time with someone who’s just like a happy robot, right?
Don’t feel like you need to pretend to be happy all the time. Don’t feel like you need to just be nothing but life fun and giggles all the time, just texting your ex jokes or whatever. Just feel like you can be real.
It’s totally OK to be real, to be open, to be off you know genuinely everything like that as long as you’re not having like the hidden agenda, as long as you’re willing enjoy the present moment and connect with your ex in that place.
4. You’re thinking (and talking) too much about the past relationship.
Now, we’ve talked about the whole hidden agenda thing and that overlaps with this. Oftentimes, a lot of people will rehash the breakup. Maybe they want to talk to their ex about what happened, went wrong, why things didn’t work out, who did the breakup and what can we do to fix things, right?
They want to talk a lot about the relationship.
In fact, they often treat interacting with their ex as if they’re still in a relationship when they are not and shouldn’t be acting like that.
They should actually be treating their ex as if they are just getting to know each other for the first time as if they were dating each other from scratch.
What happens when you are so fixated on the relationship— either by having an ulterior motive of getting back together or constantly dredging up the past– is that you’re not connecting with your ex in the present moment.
That can be a little frustrating for your ex because you are constantly bringing up ancient history. They can feel your ulterior motive of wanting to repair the relationship and get back together.
This is not going to feel good to your ex. Rehashing the old relationship does not make them want to get back together with you, even if they are still trying to understand the breakup and why they left you.
You probably already have a decent idea of why they broke up with you. It’s very rare to have somebody breakup with you out of the blue and then wonder, “whoa, what happened?”
Chances are, there were some problems leading up to the breakup that you are already aware of. If you read between the lines a little bit, you can figure out what those problems were.
Don’t feel like you have to be so focused on the relationship— just learn the lessons that you can from the past, let go of any ulterior motives and enjoy the present moment with your ex, rediscovering the who the two of you are.
5. You don’t consider your exe’s emotions.
The main reason why people neglect to think about their exe’s emotions is because they put their ex off on a pedestal.
They feel like their ex is kind of the decider of their happiness and the person who dictates the future of their relationship.
Oftentimes they look up to their ex. They want to make things right and fix things. That’s absolutely normal.
However, when you put someone on a pedestal you’re actually disconnecting yourself from the part of them that is a human being, right?
Instead, your ex becomes someone to look up to, worship, idolize, and please. You don’t really see them as the fully fleshed-out human being who they really are— that person who has nightmares, dreams, hopes, fears and anxieties and all the other things in between.
The more you remember that they are having a human experience just like you with the full spectrum of emotions including desires, hopes, and fears– the more you’re going to be able to remind yourself that they are human being just like you. And, the more that you can empathize with them, the stronger you will be able to connect with them, right?
So, take your ex off the pedestal. Remind yourself that they are a human being just like you and you will be able to connect with them a whole lot better because when you don’t consider their emotions, that’s actually really frustrating for them.
Instead, they think, “oh, I’m just a means to an end for this person. So, she can get validation or whatever out of getting me back.” Again, that goes back to having an ulterior motive with your ex.
To learn more about what you can do to avoid making mistakes like these and get back together with your ex— no matter where you are in this process– here’s what you can do to get my help.
Head on over to my website and get your free report which explains the 5 Unconscious Signs Your Ex Still Wants You (Hint: C.A.P.E.T.).
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