When you’re trying to save your relationship— whether it’s with your ex or whether it’s with somebody that you haven’t broken up with— then it has gotten really bad, to the point where the other person gave up or walked out the door or something like that.
And it can seem really difficult to get through to them.
You already know apologizing doesn’t work. Maybe it used to work before or buying a romantic gift used to make things better but it doesn’t work anymore. Neither does swearing up and down that things are going to be different.
Maybe it would have been helpful before but now it doesn’t work anymore. And, it seems like the entire rules of the game have completely changed and you’re wondering, “What happened?”
And it’s true, the entire rules of the game did change. Everything changed.
If you try to keep going at it using the old rules from before, using what used to work when the two of you were in a nice, relatively healthy relationship where your partner or your ex would communicate, talk to you, and be open and willing to work things out with you— then you are going to continue to have problems.
Here’s an example of this. I recently moved to a new place. When we were moving, we got a new key for the new place and we still had the old key for the old place because we had to make trips back and forth to move things over.
As I tried to open the door to our new place and had boxes in my hands, I tried to hold the boxes and balance them while I reached into my pocket and tried to pull out the key to open the door.
Out of force of habit, just because I had opened the door to my old home, many, many, many times, I grabbed that key because it was familiar, and I tried to put it in the lock to open the door.
But it didn’t work obviously, because I was at the new place.
If you are trying to open a door with the wrong key, it’s not going to open right?
It’s exactly the same way when it comes to saving a relationship or getting back together with your ex or making a relationship work.
There are different keys that you need in order to open that door.
If you continue to try to open the door to saving your relationship or getting your ex back using the same key that you would use to have a good relationship or communicate well with somebody that you are in a relationship with then yes, you are going to struggle and yes it’s going to be very hard.
What you need to do is put that key away and essentially pocket all of those relationship skills that maybe have worked fine before when things were relatively stable and you need to take on a new set of skills.
Of course, these are the advanced relational skills that we talk about inside of the Ex Solution Program course and that we talk about in our newsletters over at our website to help people to communicate better, connect better and find more common ground, empathy and understanding that is deep emotional bonding, right?
If you already have a deep emotional bond because you are in a healthy, stable relationship then you know if you screw up in some way, you can make an apology, you can promise that things will be different moving forward and maybe even buy them a gift.
If you don’t have that emotional bond because you are broken up, then those sorts of things just won’t work.
It would be like if you went up to a stranger on the street and tried to give them a gift. Sure, they might take the gift, but they probably wouldn’t necessarily want to be your friend or anything like that.
So, you really want to make sure that you use the right key to open the door to get back together with your ex.
That’s why it’s important to focus on the emotional connection between you and your ex rather than things like apologizing, promising that it will be different, and expecting your ex to be able to communicate in the same way that you used to communicate when you were in a relationship.
You can not text or call and expect them to respond immediately or think they will drop everything to talk to you or meet up and work things out right now. You have to drop that kind of programming because that key is not going to open the door to getting back together with your ex.
As long as you keep trying to use the wrong key, you are going to get really poor results, end up being frustrated and wondering why things don’t work.
This is one of the main reasons why people think that it is impossible to get back together with an ex.
It’s not that it’s impossible to get back together, it’s just that most people never bother to put away the old key— the key to their old house so to speak— and take out a new key that will open up a new door.
If you want to learn more about you know what sort of skills you need in order to open that new door, then head on over to our website and fill out the quiz there.
After you do that, we will give you advice, tips and strategies to help you get through the person that you love and get you on the right track to have the sort of relationship that you want in the long run.
Again, this has been Clay with Relationship Inner Game. Thank you very much and I’ll see you next time.