Today I want to explain what your ex is thinking after a breakup, what they are going through, what their experience is of you and what they might be thinking about as the two of you are in the process of reconnecting emotionally, and possibly getting back together.
First of all, understand that up to the point of the breakup, your ex was probably really wrestling with some difficult feelings of their own like:
“Should I stay?”
“Should I go?”
“We’ve been together for _____ amount of time, it would be sad to just throw it all away.”
“What if things change between us?”
…and all of that.
But.. there was some point in time that they actually made this decision:
“This isn’t going to get any better, we should just break up.”
And after your ex made the decision to break up with you, a lot of their choices are going to fall into line with what’s called the law of consistency.
Let’s just say, they’ve made the choice, drawn a line in the sand, and planted a flag that says:
“Hey, we are broken up.”
They may have even gone out and told their friends and family that they broke up with you.
…And they have changed their relationship status on Facebook or whatever, announcing:
“I’m single now.”
And whatever else people do when the make the decision to break up, right?
As you try to interact with your ex and get back together with them, you are going to be battling against the law of consistency.
That’s why your ex isn’t just going to change their mind about you on a dime, right?
Your ex needs to see some sort of real, tangible change to feel comfortable going back against what they did before in order to go against the law of consistency.
Your ex may still be in love with you and feel a lot of positive feelings for you but they’re still struggling against the law of consistency.
And… until you can make a great argument to them emotionally, not logically but emotionally, they are going to be very resistant towards the idea of getting back together with you.
So what getting back together is really about is meeting them where they’re at emotionally and helping them go through this emotional journey of getting back together with you.
In the five stages of getting back together that I teach, what happens is as your ex starts to move through this emotional journey of being very shut off towards you, then opening up a little bit more, then being open to the idea of interacting with you, then being a bit more proactive and finally getting back together with you.
During this process of getting back together, your ex is slowly starting to change their emotional state of mind toward you, right?
It’s like if you were driving on the street and you’re going to do a U-turn.
There’s going to be a point in time where you’re going in the same direction and suddenly, you’re going in the opposite direction.
That’s essentially what you need to do when it comes to interacting with your ex.
When it comes with the law of consistency and really getting your ex to do a U-turn when it comes to interacting with you, you have to meet them where they’re at emotionally.
When it comes to what your ex is thinking after a breakup, if they’re very early in these five stages of getting back together, they probably have a very high degree of hurt and frustration or anger toward you.
Your ex might have resentment towards you for things that happened which led up to the breakup.
They might still have negative feelings about things that happened before, during or after the breakup and you have to understand this can cause them to maybe wall you out a bit.
You have to meet your ex where they’re at emotionally now.
You have to disarm the concerns about interacting with you that they’re already having in their mind.
You have to understand what’s going on in their mind and directly address that. More importantly, you have to understand what’s going on in their heart and directly address that too.
But… you have to really focus the most on your exe’s mind and the heart together.
Yes, your ex’s emotions will drive their choices and what they choose to do or not do. They also need a logical reason to explain why they choose to reverse the breakup and get back together with you.
So your ex can say to themself:
“Oh, that’s right. We got back together because it felt good and because s/he really changed.”
“I saw a meaningful difference in his/her behavior.”
You have to demonstrate and show your ex and give them trust and confidence that they are not walking back into the same relationship that they walked out of in the first place.
This is the theme throughout the five stages of getting back together.
Now, if your ex is a little bit more towards the middle of these five stages, they’re going to be kind of confused about whether they should get back together with you.
They’re going to waffle around back and forth.
They’re going to say things like:
“Maybe we should just be friends.”
Your ex might say things that are non-committal, one way or the other.
Or they might go really far cold one way, pull away and then get hot the next day.
They might say things like:
“Yeah, I was wrong. We should get back together.”
Or something like that just to understand that that’s what’s happening because they’re in the middle and they’re confused. That’s where they are emotionally at. There’s a tug of war happening within them.
Part of your ex says:
“Hey, let’s get back together.”
Then the other part says:
“We broke up for a reason.”
“But I’m still in love with her/him.”
“Once a cheater always a cheater.”
And so there’s this really high degree of confusion happening internally.
You want to meet your ex where they’re at emotionally by talking to their emotions and giving them good, solid evidence about why things are can be different.
On the further end of this spectrum, it may seem like it’s often easier but your ex is going to be really fighting against that law of consistency.
Up until this point, they have plausible deniability about what they are doing with you and can say to themselves:
“Oh, we’re just hanging out.”
“Oh, it’s just a text message, it doesn’t matter.”
“Oh, we’re just friends.”
But, towards the end of the process of getting back together, if your ex did something like get into a rebound relationship with somebody new, they’re faced with the real possibility of needing to break up with that person to get back together with you.
Or they’re faced with the real possibility of telling their friends and family:
“Hey, _________ and me are spending time together again.”
“_____ and me are dating again, and we’re thinking about getting back together again.”
Your ex is not going to want to go against their word in the past unless they’re very, very sure that you are committed to having a strong connection with them, making the relationship work and working towards being their partner for the long run.
So, you want to speak to that fear and confusion and really let them know that things are going to be OK between you.
You have to let them know that you are really into them. We’ve talked about how to do this in much of our other work, so I’m not going to rehash it too much here.
But that’s what your ex is thinking after your breakup along the spectrum of getting back together with you.
To learn more about how to meet your ex where they’re at emotionally, build a high-quality emotional connection and inspire them to want to get back together, visit my website and fill out the quick, 30 second quiz.
Then I’ll send over your free report, 5 Unconscious Signs Your Ex Still Wants You (Hint: C.A.P.E.T.).
Next, I’ll send your customized advice, tips, and strategies to help you understand what’s going on with your ex and rebuild that emotional connection between you.