When my partner told me he wanted to take a step back from our relationship, it shook me to my core.
I simply couldn’t believe that this man who had been lovingly rubbing my back the night before had abruptly fallen out of love with me.
I was so confused and devastated.
For months after the breakup, I stayed up late nursing my broken heart, endlessly googling “signs your ex still loves you” and asking questions like “does my ex still love me?”, “does my ex want me back?”, “signs your ex still loves you but is scared” and more.
Later, I found out for certain that he still loved me, but when he initially broke up with me and told me it was over he was hurting and angry and a whole bunch of other emotions that took him a lot of time to process.
One of the most painful things that happens during a breakup is that most people say and do things that they don’t mean.
Because of all the painful emotions involved, exes usually act in confusing ways that can be hard to interpret.
Since that breakup, I’ve helped hundreds of people get back together with their exes and create better relationships than ever before.
When people come to me for private coaching to get their ex back, the first things I ask them about their breakup or divorce are questions designed to find out whether there are signs their ex still loves them.
Plus (and a massive benefit for you)… since these clients are in front of me for the specific purpose of getting back together, they say and do a lot of the very same things.
And that list of signs your ex still loves you is what I want to share today.
Here are some key signs your ex still loves you that I look for when I help people save their relationships.
1. Your ex maintains contact with you when they don’t have to
One of the more obvious signs your ex still loves you is that they stay in touch with you.
Your ex might text you out of the blue or reach out to you for really odd, flimsy reasons.
People don’t usually look for an exe’s attention when they have completely fallen out of love unless they have a specific reason like the kids or a business.
If your exe’s excuses for getting in touch seem weird or really vague, this can be confusing but it’s actually a good sign.
That’s why if your ex keeps popping into your life without a good reason, it’s a sign your ex still loves you.
2. Your ex says they still want to be friends AND makes time for you
Most of the time when an ex says they still want to be friends, they are really saying that they are not ready to cope with loss. This does not necessarily mean they want to get back together.
“Can we still be friends?” is one of those normal things that people say when they choose to breakup– but in reality, this is not something you should cling to as a definite sign either way.
Exes often suggest being friends because simply downgrading your relationship seems safer than making a clean break.
Since they haven’t lived life without you, the unknown is scary.
Also, they might be trying to keep you around as “plan B,” particularly if they left you for someone else, wanted a “break” from your relationship or because they thought they would be happier dating someone else.
Your ex might have genuinely meant they wanted to be friends in the moment when they said that the first time.
In practice, trying to stay friends with your ex (when you still want them) is painful, since it keeps reopening the wound you are trying to heal and move on from.
The real sign that your ex still loves you and doesn’t want to let go is whether they consistently try to spend time with you after saying they want to remain friends.
And like I just said, your exe’s reasons for getting in touch with you might seem weird, like texting about how they found your socks under the bed.
You know your ex better than anyone else.
If you truly want to move on after your breakup, you might want to avoid staying friends with your ex.
Even if you sense deep down that your ex still loves you, it’s kinder in the long run to make a clean break if you are completely certain you don’t want to get back together.
3. Your ex has extreme emotions about you
The more extreme your ex’s emotional reaction to your breakup– whether it’s love, hate or awful deep sadness– the more likely your ex still loves you.
Research from the University of Birmingham suggests that women experience more emotional and physical pain after a breakup, but men don’t recover from their pain as fully.
It takes men longer to process their feelings of grief and loss after a breakup or separation because they tend to repress their emotions.
While women tend to grieve and genuinely move on sooner, often men never do.
If your ex was a man and really loved you once, he probably still does and has handled the breakup emotionally by burying his feelings instead of fully processing them.
If your ex was a woman, this detail isn’t as helpful for predicting whether your ex still loves you. Women often break up and move on when they feel like they have tried everything to make the relationship work.
Love and hate are two sides of the same coin.
Too many people to count say that their ex was ridiculously angry at them after their breakup but suddenly admitted they were still in love.
Anger is a tricky emotion after a breakup since it usually masks sadness and hurt.
If your ex is really, really angry at you, that does not necessarily mean your ex hates you or doesn’t love you anymore. It just means they’re angry at you.
The opposite of love is genuine indifference and apathy.
When someone is truly over a relationship, they are usually downright bored and empathetic toward their ex.
There isn’t much emotional charge when it comes to their ex. This means that they start treating you in a “friendly” but not “friends” type of way.
This detached emotional reaction toward an ex is way different than passionate anger, sadness or much else.
4. Your ex keeps explaining your breakup
Does your ex feel the need to keep rehashing the reasons for your breakup?
Does he send you texts or emails about why he left?
Do they keep bringing up the breakup even when it doesn’t make sense?
Does s/he discuss or “joke” about getting back together?
Has your ex apologized for the breakup?
All of this “closure” your ex is trying to get from you means that they are still trying to sort out your breakup for themselves.
The fact that your ex feels the need to keep talking about the breakup shows that you’re still on their mind and they might be having second thoughts.
READ MORE: Exactly How to Get Your Ex Back (Make Them Think It Was Their Idea)
5. Your ex brags about self improvement and accomplishment
Does your ex mention how great they are doing at the gym?
Do they update you on how incredible their new yoga class is?
Does your exe’s new hobbies sound like things they know you would approve of?
Did your ex finally get off their ass and get a new job?
Does your ex give off the vibe that they are showing off?
All of these are potential signs your ex still loves you.
They could be trying to make you jealous or at least get your attention.
Your ex could be hoping for your approval. They most likely want you to notice the changes and be proud of them.
My current partner once returned after 10 months of complete no contact. He had lost 80+ pounds, changed jobs and gotten a dog.
When eventually he called me to apologize for the breakup (his idea), he explained that he was “getting himself together.”
Since I help people get back together all the time, I knew he was still hopelessly in love with me.
Keep in mind that people don’t try to show off for people they don’t care about.
6. Your ex moves slowly on tying up any loose ends
Do you still have a lot of your ex’s belongings?
Does your ex stall or drag their feet on finishing up any shared business between you?
Coaching clients who really absorb what I teach are often confused about why their ex seems so uncertain about tying up loose ends.
I always look at this as a good sign they have a chance with their ex– even though it can feel like you’re on a total rollercoaster when you’re going through it.
I’ll never forget the shocked look on my ex husband’s face when I sent him 60+ pages of divorce papers over Thanksgiving because two weeks earlier, he told me he didn’t love me anymore.
The reason I did NOT drag my feet was because I had excellent relationship coaching.
Having solid boundaries, even when you want to get back together is an extremely powerful way to handle yourself. My ex husband was not ready for the real world consequences of leaving his marriage– so he had been moving slowly.
Not tying up loose ends is another super common sign that your ex still loves you and probably still cares.
7. Your ex’s friends and family try to convince you to talk to them.
It takes a village to support an ex who wants to get back together.
Sometimes your exe’s friends and family will drop hints that your ex does still miss you, because they have probably listened to hours of analysis about the relationship.
When your ex still loves you and wants you back, their friends and family may gently try to push you toward each other both because they’re incredibly sick of listening to your ex endlessly rant about you.
It’s a solid sign your ex still loves you when exe’s friends get in touch with you for no good reason.
Remember how I was talking about how my partner and I had no contact for 10 months?
After a while, his best friend started getting in touch (platonically and respectfully) over Facebook.
I was completely confused at the time about why this guy I barely knew was going out of his way to awkwardly make conversation with me.
Even though I genuinely enjoyed his company the 3 times I met him, it was a dead giveaway that my ex was not ready to talk to me yet and had sent in his friend to see what I was up to.
All those late nights I spent wondering, “does my ex still love me?” turned into complete certainty when we got back together several months later.
8. Your ex is not moving on from your relationship
Is your ex stubbornly staying single in a quest to “find themself”?
Are they acting pathetic and doing the “hurt and wounded” broken wing act?
When your ex doesn’t move on with someone new it can be a sign that they still love you and hope you’ll get back together. They might also feel weird about dating someone because they are holding out hope for your relationship.
When I work with clients who want to save their relationship, they are usually completely against dating anyone new.
Refusing to move on and date new people is a key sign your ex is waiting for you.
9. Your ex is moving on A LOT
Has your ex been hooking up with a lot of different people?
Do you sense that none of these rebound relationships have real long term relationship potential?
Maybe your ex has picked out a particular person that they do the whole “Netflix and chill” routine with, but sticks with the “friends with benefits” label.
When they won’t move on after your breakup but are trying to feed their ego by distracting themselves with as much attention as possible– you guessed it– it’s another sign your ex still loves you.
10. Your ex’s rebound person hates your guts with a fiery passion
This is one of the weirder signs your ex still loves you and wants you back, but hear me out.
Rebound relationships usually include a lot of emotional venting, since the recently broken up person has not had a lot of time to process the breakup before meeting someone new and truly moving on.
As a result, your ex’s new fling has probably heard A LOT about you.
The rebound person is probably supportive but most likely has a bunch of their own feelings about you.
That doesn’t make this person mean or evil, just human.
If your ex was actually over your relationship, they would not have overshared as much in their new relationship.
You would most likely only be a passing curiosity and not inspire much of an extreme emotional reaction either way.
When your exe’s new partner truly hates you, they probably feel competitive and are trying to stake their territory a bit.
The fact that this is an issue at all points to your exe’s unresolved feelings about you.
11. Your ex stalks your social media
Does your ex comb through your social media and ‘like’ your posts?
Do they still comment and share things you post?
Did they recently follow you on Instagram out of the blue?
All of these are signs that your ex may still have feelings for you.
If your ex didn’t still care about you, they wouldn’t be monitoring your social media content like it was essential late-breaking news.
Guys especially don’t invest their time and energy into things with no payoff, like keeping in contact with you on the internet.
Your ex might also be posting a LOT more than usual about how amazingly happy and perfect their life is now.
If you don’t want to get back together, unfriend your ex because having them in your face all the time isn’t going to help you move on and feel better about the breakup.
The temptation to stay up late, pointlessly wondering what your ex is doing can be really hard to resist.
Research suggests that people who maintain contact with their exes on social media are more likely to cause damage to their new relationships.
The decision to disconnect with your ex on social media is a highly individual call– but for some people, unfollowing (but staying ‘friends’) is a happy medium if you eventually want to get back together with your ex.
Social media can be a really powerful tool when you want to get back together– so if you aren’t sure about what you’re doing online, just leave your ex alone for now.
12. Your ex stays in touch with your friends and family
People with no feelings for their exes often cut ties and move on.
If your ex is still initiating contact with your friends and family after the breakup, they might be trying to keep tabs on what you’re up to.
Like I mentioned a minute ago, my partner’s best friend kept in touch by consistently reaching out over Facebook months after we had broken up. This is not the behavior of exes who have moved on.
That is not normal behavior for men unless he either wants a chance at dating you or his buddy wants you back.
In fact, reaching out to your friend’s ex has the potential to ruin your relationship with them, so that fact made me even more suspicious that my partner was behind everything.
If there isn’t a good reason, staying in touch with the people you love would be too painful or pointless for your ex to even bother with.
13. Your ex treats you extremely well, even when they don’t have to
The way we treat someone is a mirror for how we feel about them (and ourselves).
Your ex might just be a good person, but they might also be subtly trying to make up for the breakup and/or gain another chance.
If your ex is still trying to consistently show you their good side, they still care about your approval which is a potential sign they still have feelings for you.
One of the most consistent things people say when they come to me for coaching is that they want to “show their ex how much they have changed since the breakup.”
This desire to “fix problems” and make nice after the breakup is extremely consistent in exes who want to get back together.
14. Your ex wonders about their competition
Does your ex ask if you are dating anyone new?
Do they make little comments about you and dating?
And… if your ex already knows you have moved on and there is someone else in your life, do they keep bringing it up?
It’s completely natural to wonder if an ex has moved on after your breakup— whether you still love them or not. People are simply curious creatures.
The biggest sign here is that if your ex misses you, they may act competitive toward your new flame or make weird (awkward) comments about them.
If you feel like your ex is acting weird about the fact that you’re dating someone new, it’s probably because you can sense their neediness coming through.
Jealousy– even when your ex is careful about how they show it– is a pretty good sign your ex still loves you.
15. Your ex has been going out and/or drinking a lot
Heartbroken people will often try to drown their sorrows in an attempt to forget about you.
Going out a lot is not necessarily the behavior of a totally healed, emotionally available person ready to positively sail into their future.
Your ex is most likely trying to drink and party in an effort to forget you.
That leads me to the next point– which is what your ex does after all those late nights out.
16. Your ex drunk (high) dials you
Drunk dialing and texting after a breakup can be annoying and confusing, but if anything, it definitely shows that your ex is thinking about you when their defenses are down.
A warning about this though:
Regardless of how you feel about your ex or how your ex feels about you— don’t entertain it right away.
Unless you have a shared responsibility that requires you pick up the phone at all hours (kids or a business), do yourself a big favor and ignore any late night texts or calls from your ex.
Just don’t respond at all after MAXIMUM, 11pm. You can get back to them the next day.
If your ex really wants to express something important, they will eventually come out with it sober, so don’t believe anything your ex says if they choose to contact you while they’re drunk.
Avoiding your ex while they are drunk will save your nerves which will make you more attractive in the long run.
17. Your ex is still there for you
Does your ex offer to fix things, do things for you or share their resources (emotional, physical or financial) without being asked?
Do you feel confident you could reliably get in touch with your ex and get their help if you really needed it?
It could be simply because your ex is a good person who still cares about you or it could also be a sign your ex still loves you, misses you and wants you back.
Are you seeing signs your ex still loves you?
Do you want another chance at creating the amazing relationship you know you can have with your ex?
Then you have to take action before it’s too late.
If your ex still loves you, then you have a pretty good chance of getting your ex back as long as you avoid several key mistakes.
