After an unwanted breakup, most people feel immediate pangs of desperation to just get their ex back and get things back on track with them. That desperate, painful feeling can come or go, but it’s a common denominator in heartbreak.
Since you’re hurting and the breakup caused the pain in the first place, it seems like if your relationship could just get back on track, that would end the pain.
Before you start scheming to get your ex back, there are three serious things you need to consider.
It’s time to think about whether trying to get your ex back is a knee-jerk reaction or whether it’s really critical that you get this one person back into your life. Here are the three most important questions to ask yourself before you try and get your ex back.
1. What Are Your Real Reasons For Wanting To Get Back Together?
Set all the love and history aside for a second. What exactly is it about your ex that you want back in your life? Say you believe that you and your ex are soul mates. What is it about this person that makes you feel like they are irreplaceable in your life?
If you were good for each other and the relationship broke down because of circumstances or distance, that is easier to repair than if you have serious problems with core incompatibility. If you both are good together, but want different things– then it might be time to let them go even if you still love them. Also, what triggered your desire to get them back? Getting triggered by their social media posts with their new flame is much different than if you wanted them back all along.
2. Are You Actually Good Together?
In the light of devastating heartbreak, this question can be difficult to answer honestly. Most people look back on their past with rose colored glasses. Especially with exes. Think back to your fights and disagreements with your ex. Don’t you cop out on me and say “we never fought.” I don’t believe you. If you never fought or disagreed, one or both of you were not being authentic with your feelings.
Thinking back to the fighting, how was it? Did either of you get vicious with the other person? Was it abusive fighting? How about frequency? Did you two fight all the time? If you’re having trouble remembering without the love music playing and soft lighting, ask your best friend for their honest assessment.
3. What Do You Really Want Your Life To Look Like?
Once you stop making plans for a future with someone else, it becomes easier to think about what you might actually want for your life.
Lots of people get stuck in a place of not being quite sure what their future could look like without considering someone else’s goals and dreams. Sometimes goals are contagious. If you spent the last several years with someone, it’s easy to think about your shared future as a real possibility. When you break up, it feels like that future got derailed somehow. Now is the time to think about what you’ve always wanted to create for your life.
Without thinking about your ex, think about the qualities you really want in a partner. This is a great thing to journal about. What do you want them to be like? What goals do you want to share? How do you want to be treated in a relationship?
Examine your answers to all of these questions. Does your ex have these qualities? How does this bode for a reunion? Remember that whatever was a problem in your relationship before you broke up, will continue to be a problem after you get back together. If you decide to get back together, you have to be ready to examine all of your issues with your ex so that moving forward in a healthy way is possible.
Pledge that you won’t settle for the make-up, break-up cycle. Don’t let your life limp along on life support because you can’t stand the idea of not being with your ex.
If you’re going to get back together, I believe that you get one solid shot at getting back together. If it doesn’t work out when you try it the second time, it’s time to let the relationship go in search of greener pastures. Don’t get stuck for years going back and forth. Once someone walks out the door, it can be harder to gain back the trust that you had before you broke up. If anyone in your relationship ever had abandonment issues, this is compounded by the breakup and can be really hard (but not impossible to repair).
Take some time to examine your feelings about these questions before you launch into strategy mode with your ex. Sometimes the desire to get someone back really passes, and you owe it to both of you to really think it through before you try to get your ex back.