“Should You Initiate Contact With Your Ex Who Dumped You?”

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https://youtu.be/nYurrBwS5Bg

I got an interesting question from a follower and I wanted to make sure that I address this in a complete and fully-comprehensive way.

This question is from Adam who writes:

“Some other experts say if you were the one who was dumped then you should never initiate contact after a breakup. It should always be the dumper who initiates. So you’re saying it’s OK for the one who was dumped to initiate communication? Should this be after at least 30 days of no contact?”

First of all, thanks Adam for writing and sharing your breakup question.

This is a very interesting topic because there are a lot of people who offer breakup advice online, on YouTube and other mediums as well.

Some of them do actually advocate that you should never contact your ex and that it should be your ex who initiates contact with you.

That doesn’t really go with my philosophy and I’m going to explain to you why that is and maybe even get you to my side of thinking about things, OK?

So, when you go through a breakup, it’s a very fundamentally disempowering feeling especially if you didn’t want the breakup.

And, it causes a lot of people who want to work things out or get back together with ex to feel a little bit out of control in their life.

I know since it was definitely that way when I was going through my breakup with my ex many years ago. And, I know from working with people for countless years that it’s also a very common situation they find themselves in. Maybe they’re not able to vocalize it in those words but a lot of people definitely feel disempowered by the breakup.

So, when you come across advice like, “don’t ever contact your ex. Force them to miss you to come crawling back to you” it can make you feel a little bit more empowered.

Suddenly you have something you can control and that is whether or not you contact your ex. Oftentimes, people believe that if you simply don’t contact your ex, they will eventually reach out to you.

First I want to address this point. If you don’t contact your ex, they will NOT necessarily always reach out to you.

Again, I don’t know the specifics of your breakup.

I don’t know your exe’s mindset, emotional signature, history, views, limiting beliefs and all of these things. So, I don’t know if your ex will actually reach out to you. It’s very common for people exe’s not to reach out to them.

Second, I want to address this whole idea of reclaiming your power by not contacting your ex.

Sure, it might make you feel better and think that you have some degree of control over your life. But ultimately, people come to me so that I can deliver them results. That is to say— help them get back together with their ex and help them work things out with their partner.

People don’t come to me because they want to feel empowered, right?

My goal in giving you breakup advice is not to help you feel empowered or to boost your self-esteem, although at times, that is a helpful thing to do. My goal is to actually help you get results with relationships.

And, if you walk away from a breakup and you are passively waiting for your ex to contact you, then that is not likely to get you results.

Sure, maybe some people’s exes will crack under the pressure and come crawling back over broken shards of glass or something like that but that’s not guaranteed, right?

If you cheated on your ex and they left you, they might have some sort of belief like, “once a cheater always a cheater” or, “once people breakup it’s over for good and you should never contact them again,” right?

So, your ex might never contact you no matter how long you do no contact. You could “do no contact” for one month, two months, three months, six months, a year, two years, 10 years.

They might never contact you.

So, never contacting your ex is very poor strategy to get your ex back because in effect, you’re actually not empowering yourself.

You’re empowering your ex because they control whether or not the two of you are going to interact, get back together or do anything at all since they are the one at complete choice as to whether or not they’re going to contact you. So, I find that particularly disempowering.

If you are waiting for your ex to contact you, if you are walking away and playing some sort of game where you are saying to yourself in effect, “I read somewhere on the internet, or “I heard some psychologist say that you should never contact your ex. So I’m just going to sit here and wait for my ex to contact me.”

Obviously, your ex may not contact you. Beyond that you have to own the fact that maybe you do want to get back together with your ex.

And, if you do want to get back together with your ex, obviously, your ex doesn’t want to get back together with you. Otherwise, they wouldn’t have broken up with you, right?

If you as the dumpee want to get back together with your ex, you are going to have to DO SOMETHING to change your ex’s mind, right?

They left you. They walked out of the relationship. They dumped you.

They did that because in their mind they had this concept that being out of a relationship with you was going to be better than being in a relationship with you.

Now, if you want to change their mind and show them that being in a relationship with you is a great idea, then you’re going to have to DO SOMETHING to change their mind. You can’t just play the waiting game.

Besides, you know, this whole idea, “don’t contact your ex, wait for them to crack under pressure and come crawling back to you over broken shards of glass,” is nothing more than a mind game and a power play. You’re trying to get some sort of status and doing relationship one-upmanship.

And if you want status, that’s OK. You can go ahead and get status. I’m not in the space of giving advice on how to gain status. I am in the space of advice on how to help you get the outcomes in relationships that you want. If you want status then go play your mind games.

If you want to work things out with your ex then first, you’re going to have to drop the mind games.

Second, you must own the fact that you want to change your ex’s mind about being in a relationship with you which means that number three, you may actually have to start initiating contact with your ex at some point.

In regards to your second part of the question which is, “Should you initiate contact after a period of 30 days of no contact?” We get into this more in other articles and videos but there are actually multiple types of no contact, right?

There’s not just one no-contact rule. Just like how there are multiple types of diets out there and there’s not just like one diet.

It’s not like, “Oh, I’m overweight. I’m going to go on The Diet.”

It doesn’t work that way. There are all kinds of diets. There are low-carb diets, fruit diets, vegetable diets, high-protein diets, there are all kinds of diets, right?

Understand that there are different types of no contact.

If you’re going to cut contact for 30 days, it really depends on what happens during those 30 days, right?

Oftentimes, a lot of people will spend those 30 days staring at the window, counting the hours until the time is up. In which case, no contact is pretty much a waste of time.

Other times, people will focus on healing and that’s great. Healing is a great thing after a breakup because a breakup is a traumatic experience that does impact you on an emotional level. However, just healing emotionally is not going to convince your ex that getting back together with you is a great idea.

What I advocate is active no contact which is to spend your no-contact period actively acquiring what we call advanced relational skills that help you bond, connect and create positive emotional interactions with your ex or with other people.

This is improving your ability to connect on an emotional level which you can bring that into your interaction with your ex and improve their perception of you and make them want to spend more time with you and maybe even want to get back together with you.

I hope this answers your question and gives you permission to contact your ex and to not play the “waiting game” kind of no contact which is actually much more frustrating than being willing to initiate contact with your ex in a reasonable way that is conscious of their emotional state. Not contacting your ex by texting them 20 times a day like a lot of people do immediately after a breakup.

I want to thank you again for your breakup question.

For help getting your ex back, head over to my website and fill out the quiz to get your free copy of my report, 5 Unconscious Signs Your Ex Still Wants You (Hint: C.A.P.E.T.). Then I’ll send you customized tips, strategies and advice to help you repair your relationship.

Clay Andrews

About Clay Andrews

Clay Andrews and Mika Terao bring their client’s relationships back from the brink.

Get their free report, 5 Unconscious Signs Your Ex Still Wants You (Hint: C.A.P.E.T.).

If you are an action-taker who wants to get your ex back, Clay and Mika will show you everything you need to know to have a deeper and more profound connection with your ex, so that you both can have a second shot at lasting love (even if your situation feels hopeless). Find out more here now.

One Comment

  1. Sue

    June 29, 2018 at 10:53 am

    How can you contact them when they blocked on phone and Facebook

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