“How Do I Get A Response From My Ex Girlfriend Who Seems Distant?” (Secret Phone Trick)

Go back to part 7 here.

Our next question is from Michael who wants to know how to get his ex girlfriend to talk on the phone and what some of her text messages mean. Michael writes in and says,

“Hi Clay,

Thank you for your response on last week’s post. C and I have been chatting over text every few days. The convos are a bit surface level, but she does divulge a bit more info than simple answers of what is happening in her job and personal life, which I feel has gone a little bit deeper at times.

I’m usually not getting simple answers. I’m building up to getting stronger connection.

She’s been stressed, so I’ve been giving her a bit of space and have been very understanding about things that she needs to address right now in her life (work, her kids, her new house, etc.)

Saturday, I hiked a fourteener and took a picture of some mountain goats that were guarding the summit of the mountain. Before I sent her the picture, I sent her a text that said,

“Hey, I hope you’re having a great weekend. I had some time today to reflect on the top of a mountain and wanting to tell you that it’s been a really great to chat with you lately even though it’s only been over text. It’s been pleasant and nice.”

I received no response.

Sunday I didn’t text her. So today (Monday) I sent her,

“Hey! Happy left handers day. Did you even know they had that?! Oreos also, in light of this special day, I created a left-handed Oreo! Not sure how that works, but they did it.”

She texted me back saying,

“I didn’t know that they had left handers day.”

I took that opportunity to try to dive deeper into a conversation, but I could still tell that she was VERY guarded.

If I can only talk to my ex girlfriend by text message, how do I continue to create stronger connection? The one time I did call, she texted back which tells me that she isn’t ready for that yet. So much is lost via text message.”

Let’s answer this question first and we’ll get to your second question.

Just because something happened one time doesn’t mean that it’s always going to happen that way.

So you called your ex girlfriend once. I’m guessing that either she didn’t pick up and then later she texted you back or she got your voicemail and then texted you back.

It doesn’t mean that it’s always going to be that way, right?

Maybe she just wasn’t in a place where she could pick up the phone and talk to you. Maybe she was at some sort of meeting at work, driving or in the middle of some loud place and maybe that’s why that happened.

Don’t just say to yourself, “Okay. I called my ex girlfriend once and she texted me back, therefore she is not open to talking to me on the phone.”

I would try calling your ex girlfriend another time and possibly even a third time before I came to the conclusion that she is not ready to talk to you on the phone.

I might try calling your ex again at some other point when it comes to creating a connection with her.

Just because she doesn’t respond to something, doesn’t mean that it doesn’t have an impact.

When you sent her that first text message at the top of the mountain, maybe she just wasn’t in a place where she was emotionally ready to respond to it, but she still received that message from you. She’s still received those words. It had an emotional impact on her.

Then, two days later when you sent her that thing about the Oreos and left-handed day, that actually cleared that space. She had the ability to respond and was able to say, “oh, that’s really interesting. I didn’t know they had a lefthand day.”

Your ex girlfriend might still be a little bit guarded, but I think you might have actually been making some progress without her necessarily even responding to it by sending her that a top of the mountain text.

I would go ahead and try calling her one or two more times at some point in the future just to see if she really is or isn’t ready to talk on the phone.

You can always try Clay’s secret approach to getting somebody to talk on the phone, which is to be in a text conversation with someone and then segway to talking on the phone by saying,

“Hey, I’m actually walking down the street right now. Is it okay if we quickly switch over to the phone so I can talk to you without accidentally running into a street pole (or something like that)?”


“Hey, I’m about to cook dinner. Can we talk on the phone so I can still be in touch and keep this conversation going, but also get my hands dirty and be making (whatever it is you’re making)?”

Go ahead and try that and see if it might work as well too if you’re still having a hard time getting your ex girlfriend to talk on the phone.

Your second question is:

“Sometimes I feel that she is sweet and open on text and then in the same conversation she’d become a short… Is this the time that you say to start matching her responses?

For instance, if you start giving one word answers, is this where I cut off the conversation by saying something like:

“Hey, I have to run! Thanks for talking, it’s always nice to hear from you. Have fun with the final days of summer!” (Her boys go back to school on Monday).”

So that is also very contextual, right?

Your ex girlfriend might be very open and responsive to you because maybe she has the emotional space.

Maybe the house is quiet or something, but then maybe when she goes into the one word answers, maybe that’s when one of her kids are starting to cause a ruckus or something else is going on that’s kind of distracting her so she can’t focus 100%.

I would give her slack when it comes to that or maybe just check in and text your ex girlfriend something like:

“hey, it seems like, your mind might be somewhere else right now. Is there’s something going on?”

Just so that you know what’s going on with her. I wouldn’t necessarily match her if she’s pulling away and she’s contributing less to the interaction and you don’t know why.

I would first start by checking in if she’s giving you some sort of posturing answer from her like:

“Oh, nothing. Nothing’s wrong. Everything’s okay.”

Then, then you might just say:

“Oh, it seems like you’re somewhere else right now. And, if that’s the case, then I’m just gonna let you deal with whatever you’re dealing with and maybe we can talk later”

Or something along those lines.

That’s totally fine, or you could try something like what you wrote here, that’s fine too.

You might also try taking the conversation down to a deeper emotional level by trying to dig a little bit deeper, although that may not work if she is distracted by like her kids or something else, like somebody came over to the house to repair the sink and she has to talk to the guy and help him figure out whatever he needs to know to get the job done.

Again, you have to feel in that situation. You have to know what’s going on before you choose to take action rather than just jumping to conclusions about what is going on with your ex girlfriend.

What I would do is I’ll check in with your ex girlfriend first before you make any decisions about where things go from there.

So I hope this helps you out and please keep us updated on how things go moving forward from here. Those have been our questions for this week. I’ll talk to you next week. Take care.

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