A reader wonders what to do about the fact that her husband expects her to do everything around their household and has stopped treating her lovingly.
I’m married, we both work but I feel I do all the household chores minus the trash.
My husband will tell me he has no time.
The only thing I really would like is help with cleaning up after I cook and for him to occasionally empty the dishwasher.
I know these are little things but I’m finding myself getting resentful that my husband won’t help around the house.
I do ALL the cleaning, cooking, grocery shopping, etc for us. I feel these are very small requests.
We have separate accounts and I also pay all of our bills.
Meanwhile he buys himself whatever he wants and rarely anything for the house that doesn’t directly benefit him.
I’ve brought it up but he doesn’t offer to help and I don’t want to nag so I say nothing and then get resentful.
It’s fresh in my mind as we just had our anniversary he had to go get me a card the day of.
I always buy him expensive, thoughtful gifts and cards. He used to surprise me all the time and be very generous. I’m not sure what happened…
This email about how your husband expects you to do everything around your household made me sad.
It really feels awful to have that sinking feeling that you’re being taken advantage of by a person you love who used to treat you well.
Life is LIVED in the little things.
These “little things” you mentioned are not so little at all.
Because of devaluing of household labor women are expected to take on household responsibilities without complaining. This makes many women reluctant to view their situations as though they are entitled to equitable assistance with the day-to-day responsibilities of PARTNERSHIP in their shared household.
And one of the saddest parts of my job is noticing how this kind of neglect transforms women from cherished, sensual people with their own passions and interests into bitter, martr-y workhorses who end up so angry and sad they can barely function.
This shift from “cherished one” to “workhorse” is so common that we expect it from wives.
Insert “naggy old battleaxe with whiny, put-upon husband” trope here.
That stigma of not wanting to be perceived as a nag plus the fear of being alone can be enough to make you reluctant to speak up when your husband expects you to do everything (or boyfriend/longterm partner for you unmarried ladies reading this).
Unfortunately, speaking up about not wanting to do everything for him is the not the problem.
NOT speaking up and negotiating calmly soon and often enough is usually what gets people in trouble in their relationships.
Tolerating anger and resentment because you’re doing everything in your marriage is damaging to your health and incredibly corrosive to your relationship.
And, anger doesn’t die unless you do something about it— either by rejecting it’s cause or accepting the circumstances completely.
Holding your tongue just makes you more likely to snap and throw burned pasta sauce on his car while screaming on your front lawn because he came home late and never bothered to call… one last time.
Just look how reluctant you are to sound ungrateful and unsatisfied with this non-partnership you have found yourself in.
You don’t say whether you have children with your husband or not, but for my readers with kids, it’s so common for women to feel even MORE guilty for nurturing themselves when there are children involved, since their little lives depend on competent childcare.
Going on strike when you’re a mother is a lot different when you have children counting on at least one of you to come through.
Then… mama goes EVEN FURTHER to the bottom of the priority list.
Anyhow, this dynamic happens so slowly and consistently that one day, wives wake up and realize that they’re doing EVERYTHING in their households and they’re mad as hell about it.
And… I can’t emphasize enough how truly bad for you psychologically and physically this anger and mental load truly is.
Anger, resentment and exhaustion over doing everything in your relationship is eventually going to make you sick.
I’m only driving this point home because of how reluctant you sound to stand up for yourself. I don’t want to minimize the long term effects of giving in when someone expects you do do everything.
You say, “I feel these are very small requests” about your own desires.
Then you say, “I don’t want to nag” and “it’s fresh it my mind because.”
I don’t bring this up to hurt your feelings, I just want to call attention to the fact that what you want your husband to do for you is ultra reasonable and even too little.
In fact, I sense that you’re afraid to ask for more because you’ve been so disappointed in the past that you don’t want to get your hopes up.
You said,
“The only thing I really would like is help with cleaning up after I cook and him to occasionally empty the dishwasher.”
Read that again.
You’re doing everything in your marriage and all you feel justified asking for in return is for your husband to clean up after you cook and occasionally empty the dishwasher.
That request for your husband to help you around the house is almost so small it’s unreasonable NOT to want that kind of cooperation in your relationship.
I would try to help with those things as a BASIC courtesy at a friend’s dinner party, let alone if my partner made me a meal, nightly.
For a anyone (male or female) who is paying all the bills, doing all of the housework and furnishing a shared home— the household arrangement you are experiencing is one you would have with a snotty teenager to whom you gave birth, not a full-grown, healthy spouse.
This is not an equitable partnership. It is not complimentary.
It is a codependency where your spouse is a 10 and you are a zero.
Wives often rationalize, “well, I OFFERED to do it this way,” or “if I take charge of things, at least they’ll get done my way” or “at least he’s faithful.”
And, sometimes there is a kernel of truth in there. Two things can be true at once.
Then, sadly– like you– they wake up one day, saying, “I’m not sure what happened. I feel like my husband expects me to do everything and he does nothing for me. I’m exhausted. He expects too much from me and always wants things his way.”
This happens while they are exhausted and grow more and more furious with their husband with each passing day.
You’re most likely even upset at yourself for letting it happen in the first place.
Several things happen to create this kind of “responsibility creep” that causes one partner to expect the other person to do everything.
Usually the situation goes something like this:
One person courts the other and gives a lot— and they fall in love, with their chemistry on fire.
The loved-up couple blissfully get married.
As their life together goes on, the other person gives back— doing labor to create a nice home.
Their partner sees that things are getting done and sort of thinks mentally, “well, that’s their job now” instead of, “how can I help?” like their partner reasonably expects.
To compound the problem, often the person who takes on whatever job sometimes decides there is a SPECIFIC way IT should be done.
Now, these expectations that your partner will do certain things in exchange for certain things on your part are rarely discussed or negotiated— leading to something called a covert contract.
I first read the term “covert contract” in a book titled, No More Mr. Nice Guy which is worth reading even if you are a woman who is getting walked all over— since the basic concept of the book is how to stop going around with “doormat” stamped on your forehead.
Anyway, once you create a covert contract for what will happen in exchange for you doing something— resentment will build like crazy if the never-verbalized contract goes unmet.
You said you have discussed your desire for him to do basic kitchen tasks and now you don’t want to nag.
Understandable.
What you haven’t done is explained the consequences for him not taking you seriously in either your home or your relationship.
And then quit doing everything, consequences be dammed.
There is a big difference between negotiating with love and nagging someone.
Negotiating is powerful.
When you negotiate properly, you have a discussion about what isn’t working for you and you then work together with your partner to influence change.
Then you take away the goods and services you have to offer if you can’t come to an agreement.
Nagging is powerless because it’s you TALKING AT your spouse about chores or whatever you want to happen.
There are no consequences for ignoring you.
No matter what words you use, you’re essentially saying, “do it because I said so.”
We rightfully shy away from nagging because no one likes it, but we usually find ourselves nagging during situations when we feel powerless.
Then we nag more which makes us feel even more powerless because it doesn’t work… and on and on the cycle goes.
When you negotiate, you have a pre-determined consequence to the other person reneging on the deal you make with them.
When you negotiate, you are saying, “hold up your end of the deal because that’s what we discussed or there will be a real consequence.”
As long as you consistently follow through with your terms, the consequence is why you have power in a negotiation.
Successful negotiation is REALLY, REALLY important for a romantic partnership, a good business, or even a good relationship with your 2 year old.
I can’t overstate the importance of being able to strike a good deal with anyone.
Often people don’t like to think of romantic relationships in terms of negotiating because it sounds cold and they have pride about how, “if the other person loved me, they should already know or do X,Y,Z” (plus, I still believe in fairy tales).
Because people tend to think that their partner, “should have their best interests at heart,” that mindset extends quickly to, “they should know what I want and what my best interests ARE.”
The truth is that people are inherently selfish.
Now, that’s actually not a bad thing as long as you realize that meeting your own needs should take a gentle first priority.
If they are going to look out for number one (them), you should look after number one (you).
That way, when you come together in partnership— with the goal being to build a life together and give— no one is bleeding or looking for someone to mind read what they desire and require.
You come to the partnership as people with equitable things to offer each other, not beggars with no resources.
Your husband probably isn’t a bad guy. He probably also genuinely wants you to be happy.
But, given that you’ve taken on all of this responsibility and haven’t pushed back very hard (doesn’t sound like from your message)— he most likely thinks it is actually A-OK for him to continue to be this lazy while you do everything in the relationship.
Since you have bought into the idea that all you deserve in this relationship is for him to pick up a dish every week or two, getting more help is not going to happen without considerable changes to the way you handle your partnership life.
Unfortunately, because so far you’ve dutifully kept doing everything, he has learned that even when you complain, the bills still get paid and the hot meals keep coming, so he thinks, “what’s the big deal?” and goes about his merry way.
This is pure, inexcusable, unadulterated laziness.
This goes doubly if he has TRIED to help in the past (however pitiful the effort) and you have stopped him for any reason or criticized his efforts to help you.
If this is the case, he most likely feels disrespected by you and that might be part of the problem.
You would be surprised how often I hear from husbands who really love their wives and want good marriages but have perceived so little respect that they have started passive aggressively avoiding doing anything because their interaction with their wife was upsetting and they feel two inches tall and five years old every time they make an effort of any kind.
That’s another reason why negotiating will work better than nagging your husband to help you with chores.
When you negotiate with someone, it’s much more likely to be a respectful conversation– which a responsible man will usually respond to.
So far I’m not hearing that you have negotiated with your husband from a place of self worth and cooperation.
You must give your husband clear consequences for his lack of responsiveness and then follow through with them.
Here’s how to get your husband to stop expecting you to do everything.
Think it through and decide in advance what you’re willing to do if he doesn’t start contributing to your shared household and then be ready to follow through with whatever your consequences are.
What does your ideal life and partnership actually look like?
Will you hire help around the house like cleaning, laundry and other services?
Will you stop cooking and rely on him or the local restaurants to take care of it?
Will you move out if you don’t start getting more help?
Really think it over. How do you want to be treated?
Next, arrange a time with him to sit down and have a conversation about what is going on with you, what you need to be happy and what your bottom line is for his participation.
Explain calmly how you have been feeling about the situation in your household without accusing him of having negative intentions toward you or making him the bad guy.
Use genuine feeling statements that include an actual feeling.
(Note: Sad is a feeling– “I feel like you’re a jerk” is NOT a feeling.)
Here’s a script to help you start the conversation:
You: “I’m feeling sad and overwhelmed around the house. I’ve been doing X,Y, Z and I’m starting to feel really tired and unhappy. I can’t do all of it anymore. Will you take on X and Y?”
Him: “whatever he says, yes or no.”
If he says yes:
You: “Thank you for hearing me out. That will make such a big difference for us.”
If he says no:
You: “I understand that but I can’t do X,Y, or Z anymore.”
Him: “whatever he says.”
Then, hold your ground, follow through with what you said you couldn’t do anymore and watch and see what happens.
If suggests ways he can help and then follows through, show your appreciation in words and actions.
Notice any and all effort he makes and use genuine positive reinforcement.
Also, I realize that you may have to use ALL your acting skills to do this part because it is absolutely abhorrent that you would be thanking him for taking care of his own home in the first place, but it’s an important step.
It’s unfair. It’s crappy.
And if you don’t want to do it, I don’t blame you, but you may have to leave eventually anyway, so this is part of knowing that you gave it all your best shot.
Part of what you’re getting across here is that he’s going to lose you if things go on like this.
If you are still showing that you are pissed off when he starts doing stuff, this will distract from the real issue.
It will be easier for him to continue to justify his terrible behavior and your relationship will keep going on like this until it breaks or one of you dies.
After initially showing your upset, anger and sadness with the situation I would rather you act apathetic and bored with the whole conflict (but willing to solve it) instead of continuously angry, because continuing to show anger after you have already been resentful for a long time will simply be more of the same.
It will seem to him like you’re an angry person and not one who he wants to be around.
I realize this dynamic you have fallen into is probably NOT who you actually are, but this is what I hear during coaching sessions with men who have dropped the ball and want to save things.
As mind-bogglingly wrong as it is, they often start to think the woman they love and live with is simply angry and unsatisfiable, not that this continual neglect of your shared life is directly contributing to your sour mood and the downfall of the relationship.
This is why, if he thinks there is still a relationship for him to save, appreciation will get you better results or the relationship will get pushed all the way to breaking– in which case, you get to decide if you want to keep being a bang maid and gain a divorce (which might not be so bad).
If he doesn’t follow through, follow through on your word, enact your consequences and pull back from the relationship.
Then wait.
You might have to grit your teeth and summon ALL your patience during this process because it may feel natural for you to rush in and “save everything” but DO NOT.
Feed yourself. Wash your own laundry. Deal with your children (if you have them) as best you can.
Let him do his own research about how to do these things himself.
Resist the urge to talk the issue to death, show anger or become negative and accusatory. Solving this long term is more about voting with your feet.
Also, if he chooses to start doing things, do NOT criticize the way he chooses to solve the problem. Even if his solution is not what you would prefer (or frankly… sucks at first).
For example, say that during your negotiation, he decides the best way to handle the chores would be to hire a housekeeper.
Let him do it, make the arrangements and pay for it.
Do not get in there and start micro-managing when he makes decisions or you’ll set your entire process of getting him to pull his share of the load back to the dark ages.
Try your best not to give a man a task and then criticize the way he handles it because this will come off to him as disrespectful and you’ll end doing everything around the house again like you are right now.
These early attempts for him to start pulling his weight can be genuine or they can be weaponized false incompetence on his part, designed to get you to go back to doing everything.
Don’t fall for it. Stick to your standards and let him scorch the heck out of his own dress shirts, load the dishwasher wrong and whatever else.
If he genuinely asks how to do something, you can enlighten him.
Otherwise, he must figure it out on his own.
This will be an ongoing change to your relationship, so be prepared to make changes or have further discussions with him.
Another resource you can try is the book and card set called Fair Play by Eve Rodsky. I’ve seen multiple positive reports of this process working for couples– though full disclosure– I have not read it myself yet. However, I deeply appreciate that the author has tried to tackle this problem so it’s on my (very long) reading list.
Either way, I’m rooting for you. No matter how this turns out, never forget that you are worth an equitable, safe, shared partnership.
To get my help negotiating with your husband and to put together a plan for how to handle this, get coaching with me here and we’ll get it sorted out.
Life is too short to do everything in a home you are supposed to share.
