Today, we’re going to be continuing our series through the five stages you go through as you move through and get over a breakup.
In the past, I’ve talked about The Meltdown Stage and The Over-Investment Stage.
Today, we’re talking about the third stage of getting over a breakup which is called the rollercoaster stage.
At this point in the process, you have probably been able to get back out into your day to day life.
You’ve been able to start interacting with people and start to reclaim some semblance of normalcy in your life.
Because you’re able to get back out there and start to interact with people, you start to experience things in life again.
You might start to flirt with other attractive people.
Other attractive people might flirt with you, right?
Of course, that’s going to happen if you go out into the world or could be something else entirely unrelated to dating or relationships at all.
You might have had some good news or bad news when it comes to your career, family, health or some other aspect of your life.
What happens during the rollercoaster stage is we often respond very emotionally to these sorts of things, whether that’s an attractive person asking us out or an attractive person declining when we ask them out or something like that.
We respond emotionally.
Either we couldn’t be more thrilled, and it’s like the best possible thing ever or “phew!” just straight down, cratered completely and we feel like we’ve just been dumped all over again, right?
That’s how we respond to the emotional world around us during the rollercoaster stage of getting over a breakup.
Getting rejected when you ask somebody out doesn’t feel good.
But it feels extra bad if you are in the rollercoaster stage.
It really just accentuates the negativity of it.
Or, being in the rollercoaster stage can accentuate the positivity of something else.
Maybe you start dating somebody new.
It’s important to realize that this is all about your internal emotional experience, not so much about what is happening outside of you.
You could technically start dating somebody while you’re in the rollercoaster stage.
You could end up in a rebound relationship and still be in the rollercoaster stage.
You could even get back together with your ex and be in the rollercoaster stage.
That actually happened to me.
Before I figured out these five stages of getting over a breakup and all of the relationship and dating advice stuff that I teach nowadays, many years ago when I was in my 20’s, I went through a breakup with a woman who I was in a relationship with.
We actually got back together. At one particular point in time, we broke up and got back together.
If look back at how I was behaving back then and how I saw the world, I could see that I was at the rollercoaster stage when we got back together.
I hadn’t really gone forward to complete the other two stages of getting over a breakup which we’ll talk about in the future.
It doesn’t necessarily need to look like a certain thing is happening outside of your world in order to be moving through these stages.
It’s really based off of how you respond to things.
The meltdown stage, that’s pretty obvious.
The over investment stage. We talked about that in the previous video about the BS Machine.
When it comes to the rollercoaster stage, what’s happening is you’re really looking outside of yourself to determine whether or not you should feel good.
You’re looking outside of yourself to determine what your emotional state is going to be.
“Do I feel good or bad?”
Well, that depends… I went up to the person and asked them out.
“Did they say yes?” If so, I feel great.
“Did they say no?” If not, I feel completely awful.
It’s completely outside of your experience and that is what is really determining your emotional state when you are at the rollercoaster stage.
To get past the rollercoaster stage so that you can have a more emotionally available experience with somebody else and start to build real lasting relationships that aren’t just based of you know, luck of the draw, like:
“Oh, did she say yes?”
“Did she say no?”
“Or… did I get the promotion?”
To move past that, you must anchor your emotional state to something besides your external circumstances.
Ideally, you should anchor your emotional state to your own personal values.
We all have our own personal values in life, it’s just that some people haven’t actually stopped to think about them and really clarify them.
Once you start to really clarify and think about what your values are, you can actually anchor your emotional state to these values.
For example, instead of going up to an attractive stranger and asking them out on a date and either feeling over-the-moon excitement, and exuberance or down in the dumps depression because they either said yes or no, you might feel proud of yourself because you had the courage to go up and talk to an attractive stranger, regardless of whether they said yes or no to the date.
It doesn’t matter whether they said yes or no because you had enough integrity to act congruent with your value of going up and talking to that attractive person.
That is one way that you can shift from the rollercoaster stage into the fourth stage of getting over a break up which I’ll talk about next time.
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