This is the second piece in my series on how to get over a breakup and stop thinking about your ex.
In this series, I’ve been talking about the five emotional stages that people go through in the process of healing from a breakup and in the process of moving on from their ex.
In the past, I talked about the meltdown stage.
Today I’m going to talk about the second stage of getting over a breakup, which is called the over-investment stage.
And this is going to help you learn how to stop thinking about your ex and it will help you possibly even learn how to you know, forget about your ex and move on.
I mean, you’re not going to completely forget about them. It’s not like you’re going to have amnesia and think, “Whoa! Where did the last three years of my life go?”
That’s not going to happen. But, if you can pull this off, you’ll be able to move forward into your daily life powerfully without this breakup hanging over you like a dark storm cloud.
So, let’s get into how to stop thinking about your ex.
As you move out of the meltdown stage, and into the second stage of getting over your breakup—which is the over investment stage— you are starting to reclaim a little bit of emotional stability in your life.
You’re not completely falling apart on an emotional level as you did when you first found out about your breakup.
As you enter the second stage of getting over your breakup, you are able to do some basic things like go to work, do your daily errands and those sorts of things.
But there is still a good chunk of real estate in your brain that’s devoted to analyzing, over-thinking, churning over and ruminating about your ex.
- What would it mean if you could go back in time and said this instead of that?
- What does it mean when your ex posts this kind of update on Facebook?
- What does it mean when your exe posts a photo online and there is someone’s arm around their shoulder and that arm is cropped off (or something like this) and you wonder, “Whose arm is that?”
- What does it mean if your ex unfollows you on social media?
- Or, what does it mean if you hear something from a friend of a friend about your ex?
- My ex said we will never get back together, do they really mean it?
There’s this vast chunk of your brain power that’s devoted to analyzing and over-thinking this kind of stuff about your ex.
At this stage, you are very over-invested in your ex’s opinion, how your exe’s behavior relates to you, what your ex is doing and what it means about you.
Essentially, as you may have been able to piece together from the title of this stage— the over-investment stage— this is a problem of over-investing in what your ex is doing.
Your strategy at this stage of getting over your breakup is to be more invested in your own opinion of yourself than you are in anyone else’s opinion of you.
And… if you are at the over-investment stage, what’s happening is you’re over invested in your ex’s opinion of you, in your ex’s activities and what your ex is doing.
Instead, what is going to be most beneficial is to reinvest more into your own opinion of yourself, own life, and own world.
The main way to start doing this is to start to untangle these limiting beliefs that you have in your head, things that say:
“If my ex is going to go out and date somebody before me, that means they are more attractive and they were dating down when they were with me.”
“If my ex is posting this thing on Facebook, it seems like they are moving on. If they are happy then maybe the relationship we had was meaningless and I didn’t really mean anything to them in the first place.”
Or any limited, self-hating beliefs like this.
As long as you have these limiting beliefs happening in your mind, they are going to slow you down and make it harder to stop thinking about your ex.
It’s important to realize that these limiting beliefs are the result of a certain thought process that throughout my work I call the inner BS machine.
The inner BS machine is the sum of all insecurities and fears that we all carry around with us.
Whenever we encounter a blank situation in our life, our inner BS machine rushes to fill in this blank with our own insecurities, fears, anxieties, our lack of self-worth, the worst case scenario, thoughts, fears and projections.
For example, you might see a picture of your ex with a caption that says:
“I had a great weekend, went out to the club met some you know, really cool person here…” blah blah blah.
Maybe they’re kissing or getting really close the way the two of you used to or something like that.
It’s easy for your BS machine to rush in and fill in the blank.
The blank here, being— “who is THAT person my ex is with?”
Your inner BS machine says:
“My ex met somebody new, they moved on from me.”
“They’ve fallen in love. It’s for real this time. They’re going to completely forget about me.”
“The relationship that we had must have been meaningless to them.”
Your inner BS machine will rush in and fill all of these details in.
That’s why it’s important at this particular stage to turn off your inner BS machine and shut it down.
If you continue to let the BS machine run your life, you are going to continually re-agitate those negative emotions about your breakup.
If you’re not careful, you might actually end up sliding back into what we talked about before, which was the meltdown stage.
You have to be sure to turn off your BS machine and keep it in check.
If you want more help keeping your BS machine in check, here’s what I want you to do.
Then, I’ll send you customized advice, strategies, tips and ideas to help you turn off your BS machine and reclaim your life moving forward.
Whether that means getting back together with your ex, moving on from your ex, starting a relationship with somebody new or simply dating and enjoying the single life.
You can do all of this if you start to turn off your BS machine because as long as the BS machine is driving the boat, it will continue to steer you into dangerous emotional territory.
I know you don’t want to act out or behave in ways that you normally wouldn’t— so let me help you stop thinking about your ex once and for all.