(Go back to part 1 here.)
Let’s zip on over to our questions for this week from members of our modern love association. Our first question is from May.
May writes in and says,
“Hi Clay and Mika.
I wish I knew about you guys sooner before this program. I tried to get back together with my ex without advanced relational skills and made him choose when he had high reactance.
He told me that he had moved on and is seeing someone new.
I then told him that I don’t see the point of remaining in each other’s lives since we are not actually friends and his ambiguous social media messages and likes will make it difficult for me to move on.
He agreed, acknowledging that he felt like an emotional wreck.
After that, I then texted him that I was incoherent and do want to keep in contact.
He said it is for the best if we don’t message each other for a while.
Where I left things was a message that whilst I know he said he has moved on, I don’t want to give up on us just yet and maybe I should be patient.
Even when he was seeing other people now doing ANC (active no contact) after these breakup mistakes, given my last message and his self limiting beliefs on it not being appropriate to keep in touch with an ex, which I made the mistake of reminding him, are there any specific adjustments that I need to make in terms of reaching out to build emotional connection when I’m ready or do I apply these standard suggestions in the program and accepted this will now be in hard mode?”
So there is going to be a certain degree of challenge that you’re going to have to deal with as you move forward because you essentially said that you don’t want to be friends and you either need the two of you to be 100 percent back together or nothing at all.
Then you said the complete, polar opposite, that you were incoherent, you want to be patient and see where this goes and all that stuff.
That mixed message is going to make things difficult because your ex needs to be able to trust you.
If somebody is going to be in a relationship with you, they have to be able to trust you.
If you’re saying one thing one day and then saying the opposite the next day, then that is sending a strong message that they can’t trust what you say.
In order to get past that, you’re going to have to make up a little bit of lost ground there, but this is not something that is impossible to do.
I recommend that you get tuned in with your own values and what is important to you. Then act from those values on a consistent basis.
Oftentimes people don’t do that first part of getting really clear about what’s important to them and what their values are and they just start doing things.
But if you’re doing things and don’t know if they are in alignment with what you want or if you’re doing something you think you should do because you read it somewhere on the internet, then you can get in over your head really fast.
Suddenly you find yourself in uncharted territory and you don’t know what to do when it comes to your ex.
It’s really important that you know what’s important to you and then you act consistently with that over time.
This will display to your ex or anyone else that you do know what’s important to you and that you can be trusted with your word.
If you go back through the years and years and years of recordings of these question and answer things that we did in Relationship Inner Game, mentorship, Q&A and before that, you’ll see that what we are recommending that people do is essentially the same.
Sure, the relationship advice I give might vary a little bit from situation to situation, but I essentially give people the same advice.
One reason why people trust my advice is because I have consistency in the relationship advice that I have given over time.
Your ex boyfriend is going to learn to trust you again if you are really consistent in your word, actions and by doing what you say you’re going to do.
That trust will start to come back over time after he starts to really see and understand that you are going to be consistent.
You’re not going to be all over the place, you’re not going to say one thing one day and then say the exact polar opposite the next day.
That consistency will start to help him to trust you again.
So for the time being, while that trust is eroded, you are going to be playing on hard mode.
Once you do start to develop that trust with him, then things will become a lot easier and you’ll be able to really start to take things from there.
You have to absolutely develop that trust with him first.
In terms of his limiting beliefs about it not being appropriate to keep in touch with an ex, if you do want to keep in touch with him, then you are going to have to understand where that limiting belief is coming from.
Is it that he is afraid of some sort of outcome?
Is it that you have a hidden agenda?
Is he afraid that you’re going to slip back into the old relationship and it’s going to be the same dynamic that he walked out of in the first place?
What specifically is your ex boyfriend afraid of that’s going to happen?
Most people have a reason for their fears and beliefs.
They don’t just take some sort of thing that just comes out of thin air and then choose to follow that they have some sort of thing that there are afraid is going to happen or they have had poor experience within the past or something like that.
Try to zero in on what exactly he is afraid will happen if he keeps in contact with you.
What exactly does your ex boyfriend think is inappropriate about keeping in contact with an ex girlfriend?
Then you can directly address his objections— either by having a conversation with him (if it warrants that) or by making sure not to trigger that fear within him through your actions, words or deeds.
I hope this helps you out.
If you want to follow up with us next week by elaborating a little bit more on what exactly your ex boyfriend is worried about when he says it’s not appropriate to get in contact with an ex then maybe we can go into a little bit more detail about what you might do in that regards.
Anyway, I hope this helps you out and please keep us updated on how things go moving forward from here.
Continue to part 3 here.
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