Hey there! This is Clay with Relationship Inner Game. Today we’re going to be talking about five signs you can get your ex back.
So, let’s go ahead and jump right into it.
1. You are out of damage control mode.
After we go through a breakup, oftentimes we end up in this sort of panic state of mind that I call damage control mode. This is where we’re just reacting to what our ex does or ex doesn’t do.
And essentially, our ex becomes like some sort of weird puppet master controlling a marionette and we’re like, “Aah! Help! I have no choice but to panic right now!!” right?
That lack of emotional control and reactivity is called damage control mode.
And, if you’re in damage control mode— which is very common immediately after a breakup— things aren’t going to be good unless you get out of damage control mode.
So, the very first thing you want to do to get back together is get out of damage control mode. If you are out of damage control mode, then things are going to be so much better because your ability to interact and connect with your ex is going to be so much stronger.
2. You are showing real signs of change.
The second sign that you can get back together with your ex is that you are demonstrating actual, real change in your life.
Your ex will not want to get back together with you if they believe that they are walking right back into the same relationship that they walked out of in the first place.
In order to get back together with them, you have to demonstrate that something is different. You have to demonstrate that they are not walking back into the same relationship and somehow the dynamic between you has shifted, right?
Again, I don’t know what exactly happened between you and your ex. You probably have a much better idea. If that’s the case, you probably also have a good idea about where you can start to change things.
Now, I said you have to demonstrate change not just talk about change. You can’t just promise that things will be different. You have to actually demonstrate that you have changed since anyone can talk a good game.
If you actually follow through with action— whatever that action may be— that is going to go much further in showing them that they can get back together with you and it’s not going to be the same environment, dynamics, or whatever it was that caused them to want to leave you in the first place.
3. You are focused on the process of getting back together instead of the “relationship” outcome.
The third sign that you can get back together with your ex is if you are focused on carrying out the process as opposed to the outcome.
Oftentimes in life we focus on an outcome— whether that is getting back together with our ex, getting married or things in other parts of our lives like getting the raise, a promotion, the job, buying the house, or whatever it might be, right?
And, when you are focused on the outcome as opposed to the process, you are focused on trying to get “the thing” to happen.
What happens when you focus on that outcome is you essentially have this mindset where you’re trying to leapfrog over the small, boring, mundane, everyday things that are actually going to make that outcome happen. You’re not focusing on those little things you do to create the outcome– instead, you’re just focusing on the big, shiny thing at the end.
But, you are going to get the big, shiny thing automatically if you just focus on the process.
What do I mean by “the process”?
For example, in order to buy a house (the outcome) you need to have money for a down payment so you start saving your money. That’s the process, save money.
If you want to lose 10 pounds, you have to eat healthy and exercise.
That’s the process, eat healthy and exercise, not something like, do a weird juice-diarrhea-weekend-cleanse-thing, but actually eat healthy and exercise and adapt a healthy lifestyle, right?
When it comes to relationships, the process that you focus on isn’t sending the right text message to force them to get back together with you. It’s not to “craft the perfect apology to make them forgive you for everything that you think you have done wrong.”
The correct process for getting back together is to focus on the emotional connection between the two of you.
If you just focus on the emotional connection, it will make everything naturally line up so that you will automatically be much more likely to get back together because if you have a strong emotional connection, why wouldn’t you get back together?
Why wouldn’t you just naturally end up in a relationship with somebody you have an intense emotional connection with, right?
So, focus on the process of creating that emotional connection with your ex rather than the outcome, “getting back together.”
4. You’re focused on the context instead of the content in your connection with your ex.
The fourth sign that you can get back together with your ex is if you focus on the context versus the content.
So, say your ex says something like, “hey, I’m not attracted to you anymore, we can’t ever be in a relationship again, I need a month to decide if I want to be in a relationship with you or not” or any of these types of things.
You hear the words that they are saying. That’s the content.
What you may not understand is that this content is coming from something deeper because your ex feels something and that feeling is the emotional context for their statement, right?
So, whenever your ex says something, you don’t just want to focus on the content of what they’re saying, you want to focus on the emotional context of where their message is coming from.
If your ex says that they don’t feel attracted to you anymore, it’s not because they are like, “I have run some calculations and I have decided that you are no longer attractive.” It’s not like that.
Their message is coming from an emotional place where they’re saying, “hey, there is too much emotional bad history between us right now and right now I just don’t feel like being in a relationship with you, OK?”
So you can hear their real message and think to yourself, “oh, OK, I got it. There’s too much history between us and if I can get rid of that negative emotional charge between us then and then boom! We can get back together, right?” there you go.
What if your ex says, “hey, I need a month to decide if we can get back together again.”?
That’s coming from the emotional context of them saying, “hey, I don’t feel ready to decide right now so I’m just going to put out some arbitrary period of time— let’s say a month, that seems good enough— to give myself some space to actually think this through.”
When you understand this, you can look at the emotional context of their communication and think, “oh, OK.”
You don’t have to set your watch and think, “Ok, I spent exactly 30 days, have you decided yet?”
You don’t need to do that because you have perspective on what they really mean.
You can then think, “oh, you just need a little bit of time and space to like really think this through” and then you can say to you ex, “hey, don’t worry about it. I’m not going to pressure you to make a decision about our relationship right now. I just really care about you and I want to still be a part of your life because we’ve spent so many years together before and I just don’t want to lose you like that.”
When you start to understand this, you’re automatically going to focus on the right thing— the emotional connection between you.
So, hone in on the emotional context of what your ex says rather than worshipping the content of what you hear from them.
You’re going to do way better this way— and you’ll seem less volatile and reactive to them.
5. You believe that getting back together is actually possible.
The fifth sign you can get back together with your ex is if you believe that getting back together is possible and that you can do it.
You are not leaving the relationship up to fate or luck or odds.
So many people come to me and say, “hey, what are the odds that we can get back together?” or “I’m just going to see if fate brings us back together.”
Those are the people who usually struggle. They really have a hard time because they are looking for something outside of themselves to get their ex back into their life.
The most successful people are the ones who say, “I don’t care about fate. I don’t care about luck. I don’t care about odds or anything like that. I’m going to make my own odds. I don’t care that if the odds that we get back together are 1% and there’s a 99% chance that we won’t. I’m going to find a way to be that 1% to get us back together. I don’t care what the odds are. I’m going to make my own luck. I don’t care what fate has to say. I am in charge of my own fate.”
Those are the people that do the best when it comes to getting back together with their ex because they create their own motivation and draw on their own inner drive. They’re not going to give up and fail when things get hard.
They are not going to look their odds of getting back together and give up hope. They will dig in deeper and find a way to get past those obstacles in getting back together.
So, I hope this helped you out. If you’d like to learn more about how to get back together with your ex, then please go ahead and visit my website.
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