Hello and welcome back. I’m Carlos Cavallo from Dating Advice Guru.
Will no contact make a guy move on?
If you don’t know what the no contact rule is, we’re about to talk about it and I’m going to tell you whether or not he’s going to forget about you if you use it.
The question is, will no contact make him move on?
The no contact rule is the concept that I published about many years ago and it’s actually widely misunderstood.
Right up front, I’m going to tell you that guys don’t just forget about you. I’ll just tell you that right now. Men are very heartfelt— just as much as women are. But you’re right if you’re wondering if the no contact rule might mess things up.
So what is the no contact rule?
Will no contact make him move on or lose interest in you?
Simply stated, the no contact rule is used during a breakup or if you’re having a time out with your boyfriend in a relationship.
This is where you and he have decided to take a little break from the relationship or after the things have ended. We use this no contact rule so that you don’t scare him back off again if you showed up at his house three days after you decided to take your break.
So, why use the no contact rule in the first place?
We use the no contact rule so that you don’t scare him back off again.
If you show up at a guy’s house three days after you decided to take your break, he’s going to feel that you’re being a little pushy and insecure.
You know what? He’d probably be right.
The key to getting your ex back is that you have to give him more space than he actually wants right in this moment.
What you’re doing with no contact is setting things up to return to the relationship later.
The only way this guy is going to want to come back into your loving arms is if he sees that you’ve actually changed a little bit and you’re different after this no contact break than you were before.
He has to see this change in you. The reasons are:
1. You’re letting him cool off a little bit during this whole no contact session.
If he broke up with you or if he’s the one who asked for a break, he’s feeling very activated and you need to give him a chance to chill out.
2. You’re raising his response potential.
By building up some anticipation in him, he’s going to be much more responsive to you when the time comes around.
3. He has to feel your absence.
Directly related to number two is the fact that every day that you’re not around him, his emotions and memories are going to keep nagging at him that something is missing and not quite right.
That something, of course, is you.
Frankly, most people don’t really understand how to use the no contact rule in the right way.
It’s not that you are just going to cut him off and hope that he comes running or crawling back to you. You have to know how to do no contact in the right way.
But first, let’s dive into this fear no contact will make him move on and destroy it once and for all.
The biggest insight you’re going to gather is this one bit right here.
Just ask yourself this one question.
Why do you think he’s going to forget about you or move on without you?
This feeling comes from a very normal place in all of us that we don’t like to admit exists. It’s a scared little kid part of us that fears being abandoned and lost.
I also call this the “What about me?” part of our thinking and feelings.
It’s that little kid’s voice inside of us trying to get out.
No one likes the idea of being forgotten or ignored. It just plain sucks to think about that.
The reality is that our fear will always make us think that we’re somehow inadequate if we listen to what it’s saying.
Be real. Fear never tells you that you’re awesome, right?
Your fear never tells you that you deserve to have everything you want.
Fear’s JOB is to make you feel small and unworthy. It brings up your insecurities and then tells you to look them over in gory detail.
The fear says, “he’s probably already dating someone else.”
When we listen to that insecure fear voice, we’re doomed.
Not only is it lying to us, it’s saying it in words that are almost believable.
Don’t let the voice of insecurity push you into needy behaviors that scare him off.
So… will no contact make him move on?
Will he forget about you during no contact?
The no contact rule works but only if you’re being truthful to yourself about where you are in the relationship right before it got to this breaking point.
If he broke up with you because he was never all that connected to you to begin with or there was another woman in the picture, it’s going to become messy.
You’ll be kidding yourself if you thought space was all he really wanted, right?
He took this opportunity to break things off and leave your relationship. He was deescalating. Or if he called it a time out, he’s really just playing with words and he’s probably planning to end it for good.
Be sure you take a long, hard look at how much of a relationship you actually have in the first place before you start using the no contact rule. In order for the no contact rule to work, he has to be in love with you.
So what are you supposed to do during your no contact time?
I hear this question quite a bit. What do you do during no contact while you’re waiting?
The first thing you need to do is stop waiting on him. Go live your life.
If you spend a couple of weeks doing nothing but thinking about him, planning out your future, imagining every little detail of your marriage, you’re basically living in a fantasy.
If you spend your time doing that instead of living your life, he’s not going to come back to you.
He’ll smell desperation all over you and that will only lead to another, more final breakup.
Use the no contact time to get moving towards your personal goals.
Get back to work or school or get to work on a degree, get to the gym and start working off a few pounds or just get toned and fit.
Get to that writing class you put on hold.
Work on that novel.
Hang out with the girlfriends you might have neglected while you got wrapped up in this relationship.
If you sit around for a few weeks in fantasy mode, you’ll go straight out of your mind.
It’s time to not only distract yourself from him but to use your time to improve your vibe for later on when you actually break the no contact rule and finally start communicating with him again.
Another thing you want to do during no contact is get back to your family and social life.
I have yet to coach a woman who did not admit that she puts other people in her life on the back burner when she gets a new boyfriend.
She puts her all into the relationship and then she loses herself in it.
Like a dream, she uses the relationship to escape from the rest of the world.
When a breakup occurs, she doesn’t realize who she is anymore. Over time, she begins identifying herself in how her (now) ex sees and thinks about her.
Again, the goal is to feel better about yourself without him during this no contact time period.
Nothing makes you feel better than reconnecting with people who mean the most to you. And, in the worst case scenario where you don’t get back together with him, you’re going to be well on your way to being over him anyways. That gives you all the power.
Now, here’s one thing you should not do during the no contact time.
Do not abuse your social media presence.
I see a lot of women who use social media— Facebook, Instagram, all these accounts— as their sole, side hobby when they’re not with or near their boyfriend.
When they’re not with their boyfriend, they’re on their phone. It’s almost as if they turn to their phones the way a heavy smoker might run outside on a break to light up a cigarette.
Don’t get me wrong here. You do need to leverage social media to get him curious and to make sure he doesn’t forget about you during no contact.
You want him to bump into your cool, full life but not the opposite.
First, you don’t want to be following your ex at all on social media during a breakup.
Block him from appearing on your timeline so that you’re not tempted to just go see what he’s up to. That’s going to end really badly.
If he was posting about how much he was missing you, he just be telling you that. It’s not going to be showing up online.
And anything he does post about, it’s only going to make you want to hear him proclaim his love for you more.
If you don’t have a life preserver, don’t go jumping into that lake.
Let me give you some scary statistics about social media and breakups.
33 percent of people quoted a song lyric about their ex in their social media.
31 percent of people posted a picture in an attempt to make an ex jealous.
88 percent of people check up on their exe’s using Facebook after a breakup.
64 percent of people overanalyze wall posts and messages from their ex.
50 percent of people delete their ex’s picture after a breakup.
70 percent of people admitted to using a friend to check up on their ex’s Facebook profile.
I’ll tell you from experience that none of those things are going to work out the way you want them to.
The one that’s most likely to cause you great pain is this overanalyzing what he might post or say in his page.
Your mind is already wired to look for any hint that he’s still in love with you.
Now chances are that’s true.
You looking for the signs your ex still loves you actually says more about your state of desperation and emptiness than anything else.
The truth is that he will probably be checking out your page. He will.
Most guys simply don’t have the self-discipline to not check in on you after a breakup.
What he should be seeing are posts of you going out and living your life. Only post things after a breakup that say one thing and one thing only:
“I’m alive. I’m having fun and I’m not stopping to dwell or brood about you, dude!”
That message alone is often enough to get a guy to reconsider your relationship.
Again, you don’t want to appear like you’re trying to send that message to him. It should seem as natural as you can make it.
Pictures of you at the beach with your girlfriends. That’s cool.
Pictures of you at new restaurants, but not of who you’re with at those restaurants. That’s cool too.
The one thing you don’t want is to post some pictures of you with a random guy thinking that that’s going to inspire him to come back to you.
More than likely, it will make him think of you as being pretty basic and petty.
So will no contact make him move on and forget about you?
We come back right full circle to the biggest worries women have when they use the no contact rule.
Is he going to forget about me during no contact?
And how can I make sure he doesn’t forget about me during no contact?
You might even come up with some devious ideas about how to keep him from forgetting about you. Like putting your perfume on something and then sending it to him in a mail or leaving on his doorstep.
Clever but a little too obvious.
So how do you do it?
How do you keep him from moving on or forgetting about you during no contact?
Keep the new and interesting flowing.
The key to making the no contact rule work is to elevate your stock value in his eyes. You want him to feel stagnant and left behind. Make sure you’re posting a lot of images of you looking your best. New clothes, a new hairstyle or just an update to these things.
Don’t change too many things about yourself.
You don’t want him to think you’ve totally freaked out. But you do want him to remember what he fell in love with about you.
When a guy sees the woman looking better than before and updating her image to be attractive, he’s going to feel a little bit left in the dust.
He’s going to be second-guessing his decision to take time off from you. And that’s going to make him interested in trying again.
Don’t post anything that would communicate how lost or unhappy you are without him. That will scare him right off. Just focus on social media images and posts that tell the world that you’re moving forward, making life happen.
Another way for you to keep him from moving on and forgetting about you after a breakup is to send a note.
You can break the no contact rule after a couple weeks but it has to be done very carefully.
A few things about breaking no contact with your ex after you’re finished with the time.
1. Put your communication with your ex in a letter or an email. This is to ensure that you can edit it and take time to say only what you need to say.
It’s a one-way communication that doesn’t invite any need for him to respond to you right away.
2. Your letter must demonstrate how you’re taking responsibility for your part in the problem you guys had that caused the breakup.
3. Do not mention his flaws or how he contributed to the breakup.
Blame is never going to get him to feel your love or really anything good. It’s only going to get him to feel your anger and resentment which won’t make him miss you or want you back.
This note will open his heart and make him very receptive to you.
Just don’t expect an immediate response from him.
This is only to start the flow of possible feelings from him so that he wants to reconsider your relationship later on.
The reality is that you need to know if he loves you.
Because if he didn’t really love you, then all this work, this no contact rule is just not going to work for you.
Did you know there’s one simple relationship rule every man has… but most women ignore?
In fact, this simple rule is the real reason men pull away… shut down… and even break up with women.
(Including women they’re actually in love with!)
Shocking, isn’t it? But here’s the good news:
This same rule can make any man fall head-over-heels in love overnight.
This creates an overwhelming desire to be with you and only you.
This one simple rule can even make a man get on his knees and beg to be yours forever.