A reader wonders what it means when her ex boyfriend says he doesn’t want to talk to her after the breakup.
What does it mean if my ex says this, “It is still awkward for me to talk to you and I would rather not but know I don’t harbor any ill will towards you!..”? Does this mean that he still has feelings? Is there a chance for us to get back together? If so, what can I do to maximize my chances?
First, yes you probably have a chance to get back together with your ex boyfriend.
As far as what your ex means when he said he doesn’t want to talk right now, he probably still has feelings for you but he wants to do the work of moving on and getting space so he can sort this breakup out in his own mind.
Also… exes say all kinds of confusing things… often.
One minute they want to see you all the time.
The next, they’re not responding or acting hot and cold.
That is all normal ex behavior and it means that they’re trying to reconcile loss and whatever happened in your particular situation. It’s pretty normal for people to make declarations about not wanting to be around their exes after a breakup.
Usually these behaviors are a product of emotional overwhelm and a reaction to change. It’s impossible to get any perspective and decide what you want while that person is right there, not giving you space to process.
Similarly, people also try to be friends to prevent final loss— it an effort to keep the emotional connection they know they share but examine other options at the same time.
Either way, both the “I don’t want you around” and “I want to be friends but not sexy friends (but maybe later)” responses to a breakup are totally normal.
And both of them mean that the person who says them is attempting to reassert control over their life. Breakups are messy and painful and seem to have an emotional life of their own. So, in an attempt to control their own emotions, people will often make black and white statements around boundaries to their ex.
To answer your question about whether there’s a chance for you and your ex to get back together— after seeing (and helping) tons of people get back together and repair their relationships under all kinds of circumstances, yes.
There’s probably a chance you can get back together with your ex in almost any situation where you had an established relationship before the breakup.
This doesn’t mean that getting back together with your ex is necessarily a good idea or that you’ll be able to stay together if one or both of you haven’t made some necessary changes since the breakup.
Getting back together and then breaking up again is unfortunately common since often people aren’t able to maintain the irresistible mindsets that bring people back and keep them in their life.
Either way, only you know if it’s really not over between you and getting another chance would be in your best interest. I’ve seen people thrive and create even better relationships than ever before— or nothing seems to work and the whole thing collapses.
Anyhow, I suggest that you agree to whatever your ex boyfriend wants right now.
If your ex boyfriend says he thinks it’s awkward to talk to you after the breakup right now, then don’t reach out to him. Give him what he thinks he wants so you remove all perceived pressure from your side and he can think about you and decide whether or not he misses you naturally.
If your ex says he thinks it’s awkward to talk to you and then reaches out on his own, talk to him and DON’T bring anything up about his boundaries statement about not wanting to talk unless he does first.
Since he’s made such a strong boundaries statement, from now on, let your ex lead when it comes to the communication.
Even if you happen to want another chance with your ex, directly pursuing someone who broke up with you almost never works. It’s when people really let go, get back to what makes them happy and examine all their options that they start to make progress getting their ex back.
If you broke up with him, then you’ll probably have to do more of the legwork since even though your ex boyfriend still has feelings for you, he’s not likely to trust you and will probably act hot and cold toward you.
On the whole, the best thing to do to get your ex back in these circumstances is to agree with whatever your ex says for right now, regroup, and make yourself truly happy. Let him have all the space he wants.
Hope that helps.