If you’re trying to get back together with your ex, you may experience a somewhat frustrating or alarming situation where your ex is no longer talking to you.
It can be jarring for a lot of people who suddenly say, “my ex is ignoring me” because you were very close with for a long time, often years or even decades.
Suddenly, this person is just completely walled off and seems to be ignoring you.
Your ex has put up a wall that blocks anything you say, any text you send, any call you make, any email or message that you send from actually getting through to them and they just won’t respond to you at all, whatsoever.
This is the first of the five emotional stages that your ex goes through on the journey towards getting back together with you.
This first stage that I’ve just described where your ex won’t even so much as acknowledge you or return a message to – from you or anything like that is called, “The Wall of Reactance.”
This and all of the other five stages of getting back together are based on this emotional phenomenon called reactance.
You might not have heard the word “reactance” but you definitely know the emotional experience of reactance.
Reactance is when, for example, somebody is coming to you with a hidden agenda and they have an ulterior motive where they’re trying to get you to do something that you don’t necessarily want to do.
Maybe they are a door-to-door salesman, a telemarketer or you’re walking down the street and somebody asks you a question like, “Hey, do you have a moment to help starving children in Africa?”
You would feel bad if you said, “No.” So you say, “Yes” and then you get roped into a conversation where you end up talking to a charity worker, right?
It’s not that you’re opposed to the charity, it’s just that the way that the person gives you into that conversation is a little bit disingenuous, right?
They are trying to guilt you into that conversation to meet their own ulterior motives. That’s what the feeling of reactance is.
For better or worse, your ex is ignoring you because they are experiencing a sense of reactance towards you.
They believe that you have an ulterior motive when interacting with them.
The truth is, you do have an ulterior motive.
You’re trying to get back together with your ex and that is your ulterior motive for contacting them, reaching out, calling, texting, or doing whatever it is you might be doing.
When you understand that this is happening, your ex is at the “Wall of Reactance” point.
It’s important to know that this and the other stages that make up the five stages of getting back together are all along a spectrum.
There is a journey that your ex will go through on the process of getting back together with you.
At the wall of reactance stage, your ex’s reactance toward you is actually extremely high, which is why they won’t talk to you or answer your texts or phone calls.
Their positive feelings toward you are very low.
You want to to contact them in a way that it doesn’t have an ulterior motive.
You should be genuinely interested in connecting with them and forming an emotional connection so that they can start to lower their guard and learn that interacting with you.
This way of connecting with them is not filled with hidden agendas and ulterior motives.
Of course, the Advanced Relational Skills that we teach are absolutely a way that will help you with this.
So if your ex ignores you, you are in the wall of reactance stage of getting back together.
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