“My Long Distance Ex Boyfriend Pulls Away After We Get Close”

(Go back to part 3 here.)

Our next question is from GG about how to handle getting back together with her long distance ex boyfriend who pulls away after they get close. GG writes in and says,

“Hi Clay,

Thanks for your video on long distance though I didn’t choose to be in this situation. I fell ill and had to move away long after my ex and I broke up. Your advice has been appreciated. I honestly didn’t think that my ex and I would reconnect. My plan has always been to move back, so I am trying to foster the connection until I do.

The past couple of months we have recovered quite well from our April setback. Last spring he had been contacting me daily, was very romantic, but then I made a big mistake of saying that we should step back if we weren’t going to date, which you and Mika helped me address in MLA.

I’ve worked to recover our bond. Understandably it’s a bit different. We chat weekly (mostly me reaching out) and have shared some deeper conversations. We sometimes have fun joking about our sexual chemistry. That has always been intense even from a distance though, some flirting. I try to focus on emotional connection.

Recently he reached out sharing photos of a place that we used to frequent and from his house saying, “you should be here.”

I told him I’d been thinking of him and he said he thinks of me every night and every morning when he wakes I find that he shares things like this but then doesn’t really reach out after. He even seems a little less talkative.

If I reach out in the days after, I don’t want to push my own agenda and I’m trying to be aware of that. I feel a little confused.

Would this be considered hot and cold behavior from him, like in stage three of getting back together (riding the dragon) (or is this more of me being attached to a level of communication due to how often he contacted me last spring?

Is it best for me to just remain consistent but allow him more space?



This is probably just you being more attached to a level of communication that you had with your long distance ex boyfriend in the past.

It sounds like the two of you are connecting quite well when you are connecting.

I wouldn’t worry about the fact that you are doing the initiating. That is not important.

What is important when you want to get back together is the quality of the emotional connection between you and your ex boyfriend.

There could be any number of reasons why the connection that the two of you are having is not the same as it was before.

It could be a lot of circumstantial things like maybe he’s just busier right now or something like that.

Or it could also be because of what you said last spring when you said that the two of you should step back your communication if you weren’t going to date.

He might still be holding onto that thing that you told him last spring when that came up. Your ex boyfriend might be thinking to himself,

“I don’t know if we’re going to date or not. She lives far away in another city and she said she might come back once she gets this whole illness thing taken care of but I don’t know when that’s going to be.

Even though I’m attracted to her, she says she doesn’t want to be in contact as much if we’re not going to be dating. Maybe I should hold my horses even though we do flirt and I told her that I think about her every night before I go to bed and every morning when I wake up.”

It could be that he’s holding onto that, but overall I would just focus on having quality interactions between the two of you.

When you do get into a deep emotional conversation that goes to an emotional level where you are getting very real with one another and having emotional, intense communication, you might say something along the lines of:

“Hey, back last spring when I said we shouldn’t be in contact with each other if we’re not going to date, I really regret saying that. I hope that that didn’t make you pull back your feelings of reaching out and contacting me. I want us to feel comfortable reaching out and talking to each other. I don’t know why I said that.”

Just so that you can really wash that away and help him to let go of any sort of lingering embarrassment or shame or whatever from that moment. That might help your ex boyfriend.

Overall, I wouldn’t say this is hot and cold behavior, I think it’s probably just you being attached to a certain level of communication plus maybe a little bit of your ex boyfriend pulling back because of something you said earlier.

With that being said, I hope this helps you out GG and please keep us updated on how things go with your ex boyfriend moving forward from here.

Continue to part 5 here.

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