Today I’m going to tell you what it takes to make your ex miss you.
When I say, “how to make your ex miss you,” what I mean is how to actually make your ex genuinely miss being with you.
I’m not talking about like weird little mind games and text message stuff that like a 13-year-old middle school kid would use.
I’m talking about what it takes have a real relationship with your ex so that they miss interacting with you, so they want to get back together with you and so the two of you can have a good strong chance at building a strong, flourishing successful relationship in the long run.
So don’t expect any BS mind games or anything like that from here on out.
Realize that the reason your ex would miss you is because being together with you felt better than being apart from you.
And, if your ex broke up with you, they thought that the being apart from you felt better than being together with you. So you’re going to have to turn things around if that’s going to change.
So, how do you build a positive emotional connection with your ex so they start to miss you and associate positive things with being together and negative things with being apart from you?
You have to understand the complicated emotions that your ex is going through during this stage of your breakup.
In pretty much every breakup that I have observed after helping thousands of people, I have seen a certain dynamic play out about emotional reactance.
Emotional reactance is the kind of resistance that you feel towards interacting with another person when it’s somebody that you don’t particularly like or somebody who you think might have a hidden agenda or an ulterior motive.
When you experience emotional reactance, you kind of shut down and want to pull away and back off or maybe even run screaming towards the exit.
For better or worse, if your ex broke up with you they are at least feeling some degree of this emotional reactance when it comes to interacting with you.
And, their emotional reactance could be extremely high in which case your ex is not responding to you. They might not even want to talk to you. They might completely ignore your messages or not pick up the phone when you call.
It could be anywhere in between but we’ve actually identified five distinct individual stages of getting back together your ex goes through on this journey towards being totally closed off to being open and actually missing you and wanting to be in a relationship with you again.
1. The Wall Of Reactance
Wall of Reactance is the first stage of getting back together is where your ex won’t even talk to you whatsoever.
2. The Test Drive Stage
The second stage of getting back together where your exe’s emotional reactance toward you is a little bit lower but still pretty high is called the Test Drive Stage.
Your ex is going to give you one-word responses. They’re not going to be emotionally invested in your conversations.
They still will respond to you sometimes but they’re not going to be very involved and you’re going to have to do most of the heavy lifting in the conversation.
3. Riding The Dragon
When your exe’s emotional reactance is a little bit lower, maybe around the 50/50 point, you’re going to be at the third stage, which we call Riding the Dragon.
In this stage of getting back together, your ex is kind of waffling back and forth because sometimes they have mostly negative feelings toward you, sometimes they have mostly positive feelings towards you.
Their feelings are like a see-saw or teeter-totter balancing right around that midpoint of 49-51% positive and 51-49% negative, right?
Just a single grain of sand on one side or the other could be enough to shift the balance of their feelings.
This is the third stage of getting back together we call Riding the Dragon.
4. The Crisis Point
The fourth stage when your ex’s reactance is quite low and their positive emotional feelings for you are quite high is called the Crisis Point.
Your ex could actually be trying to actively discourage you from spending time with them or getting back together with you.
And… believe it or not, the reason they do this is because they enjoy spending time with you.
But, your ex is actually hesitant about continuing to spend time with you because if they continue to see you they will have to directly confront any obstacles or uncomfortable situations that they might need to deal with in order to get back together with you.
This might be ending their rebound relationship or maybe telling all of their friends and family, “Hey, you know yeah, we broke up a month ago but now we’re getting back together.”
That could be embarrassing and they don’t want to do that unless they’re absolutely sure that getting back together with you is going to work. So that’s the crisis point.
5. New Beginnings
The fifth and final stage of getting back together is when your ex’s emotional reactance towards you is pretty much zero and their positive feelings toward you are pretty much completely full. This is called New Beginnings.
Your ex would be very open to discussing the idea of getting back together with you and very agreeable with you if you did bring it up.
At this stage of getting back together, all that you really have to do is just work together with them to discuss strategies and ways that the two of you can be a more successful couple and have a healthier, happier, more enjoyable relationship for both of you.
In terms of how to make your ex miss you, you need to take your ex on this journey from wherever they may be at.
Your ex may not be at wall of reactance to start out with.
They might just start in the middle at Riding The Dragon and then you just have to help move them through the stages from you know, in this case, Riding the Dragon to Crisis Point to New Beginnings.
If your ex is way back at the Wall of Reactance stage of getting back together, then you have a lot more work to do because you have to move them up from Wall of Reactance to the Test Drive stage and from Test Drive to Riding the Dragon. Then, from Riding the Dragon to Crisis Point. Then from Crisis Point to New Beginnings. So you have a little bit more work to do.
By focusing on this emotional journey that they go through is how you get your ex to miss you.
Now you might be wondering, “how do I actually guide my ex on this emotional journey?”
You do that by focusing on the quality of the emotional connection between the two of you.
You have to focus on the emotional connection because your ex’s emotions are really what’s going to govern their degree of emotional reactance or positive feelings and emotions towards you.
Your exe’s emotions are what will ultimately make them decide they want to be in a relationship with you again so you have to stay laser focused in on that emotional connection.
Now, we have a lot of skills and strategies and exercises and tools that you can use to really help your ex along this journey. We call these Advanced Relational Skills.
Advanced Relational Skills are certain ways of being that you bring yourself to during interactions with your ex that create a context for the two of you to have a much more rewarding, uplifting, and connecting emotional experiences when the two of you are together.
When you continue to use these Advanced Relational Skills over a period of time, you’ll see your ex’s emotional reactance towards you decrease and their positive emotions towards you will increase.
Effectively, you will be moving your ex from the earlier stages of getting back together like the Wall of Reactance, Test Drive, Riding the Dragon and Crisis Point to the stage where they’re actually at New Beginnings and almost ready to get back together with you.
You have to stay focused on the emotional connection.
To get started using these Advanced Relational Skills, visit my website here.
Fill out the short, free quiz which lets me know where you’re at when it comes to your breakup with your ex.
Then I’ll send your free copy of 5 Unconscious Signs Your Ex Still Wants You (Hint: C.A.P.E.T.) and customized advice, tips, and strategies that will make your ex miss you and move them through the stages of getting back together— for example, from the Wall of Reactance all the way up through the New Beginnings stage.
Thousands of people have taken that quiz over the years. We’ve helped MANY of them create amazing relationships with people they used to call their exes.