Picture this: you’re sitting with your boyfriend or husband in your favorite restaurant, having a wonderful night out together, when a woman walks by your table.
You watch as the man you love turns his head quickly, looks her up and down, and his eyes linger just a little too long on her breasts, or her backside.
Suddenly there’s a surge of emotion. Jealousy. Anger. Pain. Insecurity.
A torrent of questions run through your mind:
Does he want her?
Does he think she’s more beautiful than me?
Is he not attracted to me anymore?
What does this mean about us as a couple?
Does this sound familiar?
That’s because it’s probably happened to every woman, at some point.
Because, let’s face it, men look at other women.
To be clear, that’s all men; not just your man, not just single men, not just players and cheaters and womanizers, but all men look at women.
Take me for instance.
I’ve been with my partner for over 4 years.
I love and adore her.
I want to spend the rest of my life with her. I wouldn’t dream of betraying her trust by sleeping with someone else.
But I look.
I can’t help but notice when a beautiful woman walks by. I can’t help but react in the way that I do– to be attracted to women with certain features.
It’s in my nature.
And I am not alone.
It’s completely normal for men to look at other women.
It’s also completely normal for women to have that visceral, emotional reaction when they catch their partner looking.
That’s why it’s also completely natural to want to know why men look at other women, and what it means when a guy (maybe your boyfriend) looks at another woman.
Allow me to explain…
Reasons why men look at other women:
- He finds her physically attractive.
- When he saw her, a chemical reaction happened in his brain. Neurotransmitters like dopamine and serotonin were released, giving him an involuntary surge of pleasure.
- Part of him wants her, or wonders what it would be like to be with her. Probably in a completely harmless and innocent way. Just like you might be sexually attracted to Denzel Washington or Channing Tatum, and wonder what that might be like… but you would never act on it.
- In an alternate universe where he was single and unattached, he might be interested in her as a sexual partner.
What “the look” does NOT mean about you or your relationship with him:
- He finds her more beautiful than you.
- He isn’t attracted to you.
- He isn’t happy with you, and your relationship.
- You don’t satisfy him.
- You aren’t _______ (attractive, skinny, sexy, loving, affectionate, etc.)__ enough for him.
- You should automatically be angry at him, jealous of her, or insecure about yourself or your body.
- He is unfaithful, or he is going to cheat on you in the future.
- Your relationship is doomed.
Simply put, a man looking at other women has nothing to do with you at all.
The world is full of beautiful sights – flowers and sunsets, great works of art – none more beautiful than the female body.
It doesn’t take anything away from you when your man admires a painting or sculpture.
It also doesn’t diminish his love for you when he looks at another woman.
Noticing another woman is really nothing more than that: acknowledging and appreciating beauty when we see it.
Why do men look at other women when they are in a relationship?
For men, sexual attraction and emotional connection do not necessarily go hand in hand.
A man can be attracted to a woman on a strictly physical level.
A man can be turned on by a woman with whom they feel no emotional connection or compatibility.
A man can be head-over-heels in love, completely devoted to one woman, and still be attracted to other women.
Men and women operate differently when it comes to sexuality and mating.
A research study published in the 2013 Archives of Sexual Behavior revealed big differences in the way men and women are drawn to potential partners.
Women tend to be more attracted to men based on familiarity.
Women prefer men who closely resemble their current partner, and rate men more attractive the more often they see them.
Men, however, are attracted to novelty.
Men are drawn toward the new and different, attracted to many different women, with many different features and body types.
This is usually interpreted as being the result of evolution.
Generally speaking, women evolved to be wives and mothers, nurturers and caretakers.
Men are programmed to ensure the survival of our genes by “sowing our seeds” as far and wide as possible.
You could say that our eyes are hardwired to wander.
Looking at other women is not a personal choice we make to upset our life partners, it’s a biological instinct.
And the instinct to look at other women is usually acted on before the slower, conscious, decision-making process kicks in.
The natural sexual urges and impulses of men are also aggravated by media and advertising that is over-sexualized.
Everywhere we look, we are exposed to sexual images and innuendo designed to sell us everything from cars and cologne to beer and cheeseburgers.
Advertising usually features heavily made-up, airbrushed and photoshopped models that promote an impossible ideal of “beauty.”
(Of course this emphasis on bodily perfection also encourages women to have all kinds of body-image issues and insecurities, but that’s another article…)
When the fact that he looks at other women is a problem in your relationship.
While it is normal for men to notice other women, to look and admire, and even fantasize a bit, there is a line of respect that a mature and committed man will not cross.
Let me repeat that. There is a LINE.
Glancing at another woman and noticing her because she happens to be in his direct presence is one thing.
However, acting on this is a completely different thing.
Staring at, gawking, flirting, touching and commenting about other women are hurtful, embarrassing and offensive.
As I said before, I cannot help my momentary reaction when I see an attractive woman.
But once the moment passes, I quickly turn my attention back to the love of my life, the woman to whom I am faithfully devoted.
Blatant staring, inappropriate comments, touching, flirting and (obviously) cheating are all red flags.
This kind of disrespectful behavior indicates that a man is either not mature enough to control himself, doesn’t respect you (or women in general), care enough about you to reign in his impulses or all of these.
Either way, it doesn’t bode well for the future of your union…
What if you are wondering to yourself, “Why didn’t I notice he looked at other women before now?”
Often the fact that a man notices other women usually doesn’t become an issue until after a couple has been together for a year or more.
The magical “honeymoon phase” has come to an end.
It is tempting to assume that because the passion has started to fade, your partner is no longer into you, and he is looking around to explore other options.
But that’s not necessarily true. And it will hurt your bond to assume this is the case because you notice he has been looking at other women.
There are at least two reasons why this situation hasn’t reared it’s head before now, neither of which means that your partner has lost interest in you.
For one thing, during the early stages of a new romance, we are literally “high on love.”
Our brains emit a powerful and intoxicating chemical cocktail whenever we see– or even think about– our partner.
For many men, this natural buzz is often enough to drive all thought of other women from our minds, reducing or eliminating our wandering eyes.
Second, during this intense, new love phase both partners tend to idealize each other, completely overlooking annoying habits and traits.
Even if your partner did check out another woman in front of you, you might be so infatuated with him that you ignore it, or unconsciously block it out.
But after a year or two, three years at the most— the honeymoon period comes to an end.
There is a gradual change in the way our brains respond to our partner, and it changes how we feel and act when we are together.
For him, his old hunter-gatherer instincts kick in as strong as ever, and he finds that his eyes are once again drawn to every attractive woman who crosses his path.
…And his partner can no longer remain blissfully ignorant.
She notices his roving eye, and if she has ever been cheated on before, it’s bound to open up those old wounds and bring any insecurities front and center.
This was certainly the case for me and my relationship.
For the first year or two, I was so smitten with my beloved that I scarcely noticed other women.
It was the first time I had experienced this, and it was a beautiful thing.
But when that initial, fiery passion began to cool, I started noticing other women again.
Not because I lost interest in her, but because my brain chemistry was changing.
We were entering a new phase of our relationship, and the dynamic changed for both of us.
Up to this point, a love affair is easy and effortless because both partners are swept up and carried off by the raging storm of their mutual attraction.
But in order for a relationship to survive past the honeymoon phase, it takes real honesty, commitment and clear communication on both sides.
How to handle it when a guy looks at other women
If you’re in a serious relationship and having trouble with your boyfriend or husband looking at other women, here are a few steps to navigate this problem.
1. Don’t assume anything.
When you do notice your man looking at another woman, don’t read too much into it.
Remember what it means like I talked about above, and most importantly what it doesn’t.
A glance does not equal a betrayal.
Remember that he loves you, he cares about you, he is committed to you, and he is still attracted to you. Of all the women in his life, he chooses to be with you.
2. Set realistic expectations.
When we hold our partner to impossible standards, it leads to a never-ending cycle of disappointment, hurt feelings, anger and frustration.
No one wins.
We have to get real about human nature and sexual desire.
There are lots of beautiful women in the world, and you are not the only one that your guy finds attractive.
Don’t expect him not to notice or look at other women 100% of the time.
3. Tell him clearly how it makes you feel when he looks at another woman.
When your partner’s roaming eye hurts your feelings, or you feel inadequate, tell him so. It’s important that he knows this is a problem for you.
Practice Non-Violent Communication.
Express your honest feelings about his behavior without blaming, shaming or accusing him.
4. Set healthy boundaries in your relationship.
If your partner is committed to making your relationship work, he will be willing to work with you in setting some healthy boundaries.
He shouldn’t look too often, too long, or too blatantly.
He should make every effort not to make you feel uncomfortable (or other women, for that matter).
And most importantly, he should make it clear to you, in both his words and his actions, that he still wants you, and cares for you; he is still attracted to you, and committed to your relationship.
We all need love and emotional connection in order to be happy and fulfilled. Men are no exception.
Many cultural myths and stereotypes would have us believe that men are emotionally insensitive, and driven by their sexual urges alone.
But the truth is that men need intimacy, love and affection just as much as women do.
A high value man is aware of this, and lives his life accordingly.
A good man knows that an emotional and spiritual connection is more fulfilling than a one-night stand.
He knows that sex is so much more satisfying, profound and pleasurable when you share a deep bond with your partner.
His love and respect for you should be more powerful than his sexual urges.
A good partner doesn’t deny or repress his impulses, nor does he indulge them recklessly.
He looks, appropriately and respectfully, but he does not touch.
Above all, he goes out of his way to show you that you are his priority. He shows you he loves you and cares for you.
Out of all the beautiful women he sees every day, you are the one he chooses, the one he wants, and he is yours and yours alone.
And that’s what really matters, isn’t it?
Want a man to be yours for life– no matter what he sees?
Did you know that attracting a man to you forever and making him powerfully drawn to stay with you no matter what has more to do with how you make him feel than how you look?
It’s true.
When you make a man feel a certain way, it won’t matter whether there are other women on the planet, because he’ll only have eyes for you.
To find out exactly how to create this kind of devotion in your man and have an unfair advantage over any woman who crosses his path, watch this right now.
