Breakups cause a kind of temporary insanity that people don’t usually realize or snap out of until it’s too late.
In over ten years experience coaching people through breakups and saving their relationships, I’ve noticed some key traps people fall into when they reach out to their exes.
And this makes it hard for them to salvage anything about the relationship, even if they are simply hoping to peacefully coparent.
Either they’ve already totally alienated themselves from their ex or they’ve made themselves look so pathetic that they can never come back from it.
That’s why when you text your ex, it’s so important to be careful and what you say is such a tricky minefield.
Whether you actually want to get your ex back or not— here are ten of the worst, most embarrassing messages you should avoid sending your ex.
1. “WHYYYYY??”
You must absolutely never look heartbroken over text message to your ex.
Expect that your messages will not remain private.
Also when you go on a “WHYY??” spiral, realize that it’s awkward for them. How are they supposed to respond?
“Because you’re terrible and I really wanted to date Brad, my tennis instructor?” or “OMG you’re right???” (which never, ever happens by the way).
You have to accept their feelings right now. Do not initiate this conversation like you’re looking for constructive criticism, because are you really?
Or are you trying to express how heartbroken you are?
I’m willing to bet, it’s the second thing.
2. “Hey.”
Hey… what?
Do you want them back?
Are you just wondering what they’re up to?
Are you bored?
What’s your plan here?
When you use this little effort, it’s also hard for your ex to respond with much else. In my experience, this tends to really irritate an ex and is likely to get an angry response.
Whether your ex wants to hear from you or not, just sending out a “hi” with nothing else makes you look weak AND like you’re not sure where you’re going with this.
I get it, most people send the random “hi” because they miss their ex and are fishing for attention, but that doesn’t make it any less confusing or frustrating for the recipient of your message.
3. “I miss you.”
If you truly want them back, “I miss you” is something you need to SHOW THEM with your actions over a period of time.
Just saying “I miss you” is the fleshed out version of “hi.”
If your ex is not in an emotional headspace to deal with the fact that you miss them or they don’t share your sentiment, you’re throwing all of your cards on the table with this one.
If you really want them back, you need to revive the good feelings between the two of you, first!
If you don’t want them back, why are you messing with their emotions? Don’t stir up drama! Either way, I miss you comes off like a cry for help that isn’t usually successful.
4. Showing jealousy over their new relationship.
If you find out they’re dating someone new, you should never, EVER bring it up.
This includes, but is not limited to texting your ex:
“Oh, you’ve moved on pretty darn QUICK.”
“I hope you’re oh, so happy with Tonya.”
“Congratulations.”
“I heard Jeremy is a total player, so good luck with that.”
“Tonya’s a total wierdo by the way.”
“How dare you date my high school history teacher.”
“You’ll never be as happy with them as you were with me.”
“I hope your new human measures up to what we had.”
All of those possible texts to your ex look bitter, unhinged and inappropriate when I type them out, right?
If you find out your ex is dating someone new, do yourself and them a favor and leave it alone.
It might or might not be a rebound relationship, but nothing you say is going to push it in either direction.
5. Trying to make your ex jealous.
There are several ways people try to make their ex jealous after a breakup.
One of them is starting up a conversation that looks normal at first but the real agenda is to make the ex jealous. This is usually backfires since it’s so obvious.
If your ex knows you are trying to make them jealous, that’s a pretty good sign you haven’t moved on, right?
6. “By the way, I’m doing JUST GREAT.”
People who are really doing awesome don’t reach out to their exes to flaunt the fact they are doing awesome. They just go out and enjoy their awesomeness.
That’s why it’s obvious when people reach out with the ulterior motive of showing their ex they are doing well.
Even if you think you’re being super subtle and covert, it usually comes off as the opposite.
If you didn’t care what they were doing, or what they think, you wouldn’t feel the need to tell them about how great you are… right?
7. Anything over a 1:1 ratio of your texts to their responses.
Initiating this kind of exchange with your ex is a very bad idea:
You: “Hi, so how are you?”
You: “What’s up?”
You: “How’ve you been?”
You: “So my grandma’s birthday was yesterday.”
Them: “Um… I was at the gym.”
You: “Oh.”
Make sure that if you DO decide to text your ex, that you let them respond AND never make accusations, no matter whether they’re ignoring your texts or not.
8. Giving them grief about not responding to you.
You: “hi”
*10 minutes later*
You: “Oh.. so ignoring me huh?”
*another 10 minutes*
You: “I GUESS you don’t want to talk to me.”
Whether your ex is currently talking to you or not— texting to give them a hard time about anything around the way they communicate with you WILL NOT make them want to talk to you more often.
They do not owe you anything.
This is true whether they were the one to break up with you or not.
That’s why when you’re communicating with them, you’ve got to think, “positive reinforcement” because if you give them a hard time about anything, they’re going to keep associating you with negative feelings.
Even if your ex has acted super unaffected by your breakup so far, seeing your name pop up on their phone is very likely to trigger some mixed feelings.
Don’t say or do anything to make any negative feelings they might already be experiencing worse. Consider going no contact for awhile before you do anything in your exe’s direction.
9. Trying to get an emotional rise out of them about your breakup.
This includes, but is not limited to, making statements where you’re trying to make them feel jealous, guilty, ashamed, really anything where you’re attempting to make them feel a certain way.
Keep in mind that trying to make them feel worse about your breakup (and by extension, you) doesn’t make them more likely to respond to you next time.
Feelings of guilt and shame are not attractive and won’t bring them back.
10. Anything else you wouldn’t want to see on the cover of the NY Times with your name on it.
If you would look pathetic, unhinged, and irrational in public, don’t give into the urge to text it in private.
Certainly, some things between two people are meant to stay private, but after a breakup, all bets are off.
When in doubt, don’t send it out!
To get my help reconnecting your relationship, find out about my current coaching offerings here.
