Have you ever been with a guy who seems to have a fear of commitment?
Maybe you’ve dated a guy for years and he just never seems to want to take things to the next level.
Or perhaps you’re married, and while he wears the ring on his finger … You sense that his heart just hasn’t made that deeper commitment yet and you feel anxious and worried that your marriage isn’t resting on solid ground.
I’m going to try my best to shed some light on how the male mind works and why some men are not ready for commitment.
There are 9 of the most common reasons why your man may have a fear of commitment.
Some of these reasons why men won’t commit have nothing to do with you, it’s just where he is at in his life. Others are things that you are doing wrong in your relationship, so make sure you pay close attention.
1. Being nagged about a commitment.
Men need to feel like commitment is their idea, even if pressuring them into committing to you works sometimes. After all, some women hint very aggressively until they get engaged. This kind of pressure may lead to resentment and lack of REAL commitment and faithfulness long term.
I’ve seen some guys date one woman for years, only to get engaged to the next one who came along even though they’ve only been dating her for 6 months. There are few things more confusing for women than watching their ex jump into a new relationship and get engaged in what seems like record time, when she dated him for 8.93 years before she got frustrated about his not wanting to get married and dumped him.
Often the next one who comes along is seen as less ‘suffocating’ due to less commitment pressure. Or it’s simply due to the fact that they are now ready for commitment when in the past they were not.
Talking about commitment in a well-reasoned way isn’t a bad thing, but if you find yourself doing it week in, week out, it’s likely to be doing more harm than good.
You may simply be with the wrong person if you feel a need for more commitment right now and that person is somehow withholding it. Examine whether you want a commitment from THEM or you want to be married to SOMEONE. Be honest with yourself. If he is the one for you, it’s time to talk about what you want your future to look like.
When you tell him what you want, you must be authentic.
Say you want to be married to him in the worst way. Doing what most women think is “hinting” comes off to him like “bitching about wanting to get married.” It’s important to make your guy know what you want in your life without making him feel like it’s up to him to make big changes. Men are sensitive to what their woman wants and really want to make you happy. If he doesn’t want to be married to you, say… ever, then it’s time move on and find another man who sees marriage in his future.
If he wants to commit to you, then allow him to get to that stage on his own.
2. He feels unappreciated and/or emotionally unsupported.
Men need their egos stroked, and for him to feel like you are ‘the one’ it will help a lot if you can notice all the good things he does (and his body if you like it, etc).
It is also incredibly important that you accept and support him in his dreams, whatever they may be (starting his own company, traveling the world, etc).
Women make a huge mistake when they try to mold and shape their guy into the man they wish he was, rather than supporting him in creating the best version of himself.
Examine your expectations. Men usually show up to relationships wanting the woman to be exactly how she is now… forever. Women often show up expecting a man to conform to what she wants. Take careful stock of your mindset and try to figure out if you’re trying to force your guy to be someone else.
If you’re trying to change him, think about how sad and demoralizing that would feel if the situation was reversed. Fear of commitment in that situation seems justified, right?
3. He’s like Peter Pan.
Men can take a little longer to grow up than women.
It takes a certain amount of maturity to get to the point of commitment, and he may not be quite there yet. An immature man can rarely consider the wants and needs of others above his own.
There’s a difference between accomplishing everything that one wants in life before they settle down, and deep-seated immaturity. Think about your guy. Does he seem like he falls into the first category or the second one?
4. He isn’t satisfied in the bedroom.
If he has had a partner before with whom with the sex was more frequent or better this can make him nervous about committing to you forever.
If you feel that sex isn’t important, then that attitude could well be a reason for lack of long term commitment. I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again. My mother always said that problems in a relationship start in the bedroom and travel outward. Not the other way around.
If the sex is “meh” so will his attitude be toward your relationship. I would argue also that you feel the same way.
5. His priorities are different than yours.
He balances everything out- work, family, and friends.
If he feels he’s got other areas in his life that require more attention, then that will come first and he will think of you later. For example, say he’s a student. Men often prioritize their lives based on the stage that they’re in. He’s not going to always feel comfortable making a commitment if he hasn’t reached the time where he feels like it’s important to begin a marriage.
Even though it sounds like an outdated idea, the pressure is on men to support and grow a family when it comes to commitment. When a man gets married, he takes on responsibility. If he’s not in a place when he’s ready for that deeper responsibility, he won’t be ready to marry you.
Often, if he isn’t feeling the level of career or life success that he wants to reach when you’re dating, he might not want to make a commitment- especially marriage because he views his future in more of a linear fashion. I.e., graduate, have single time, get a real job, meet correct woman, get married, in that order.
6. His friends haven’t committed yet.
The majority of men will want to commit eventually. But he may not have wanted to be the first one out of his group of friends, feeling like he misses out on anything with his single friends. If everyone he knows is single, he might be reluctant to take on the responsibility of building a family or a life with you.
7. He’s mourning the loss of his free time.
He likes time to himself and to do his own thing. Serious relationships take up an enormous amount of time and energy and he could not be ready for that type of time commitment.
8. His past history.
When you learn about his past relationships, and his childhood ones, then you may understand why a man won’t commit to you.
He could be swearing off new relationships because of pain that was caused by a previous breakup. He may need a little extra time until he feels safe in his new relationship with you.
9. There’s actually someone else.
Hopefully this isn’t the case, but it is possible he has someone else on his mind, leaving him confused about what kind of future he wants for you and him.
It is also possible he is not over his ex partner, or doesn’t see you as better than her (men want to commit to the best they’ve ever had).
Warning: Do not start accusing him of cheating. This final point is for you ladies who have that sinking feeling that something might be wrong. This is a select group. Please don’t over-react and start questioning an innocent partner.
Suspicion and doubt is not the fast (or even slow, probably) road to making him commit to marriage.