Do you go from happy to sad at the drop of a hat?
Have you stayed up late analyzing and picking your friends brains about your partner’s behavior?
Do your moods seem to hinge on whether or not they have finally bothered to respond to you?
Do you wonder if you are imagining things since they aren’t abusive but things still don’t seem to go very well for long?
If you have found yourself nodding to along to some of these questions, it’s time to consider the strong possibility that you might be in a relationship with a toxic jerk.
We all think we should be able to tell if someone is bad for us right away, but sometimes you find yourself in a full blown relationship before you realize what happened.
That’s why, if you found yourself here, wondering what is going on, let’s talk about the signs you are in a relationship with a massively toxic life-draining jerk.
1. They regularly flake on you
You’ve come to realize that all plans with them are nearly always “tentative” since they only come through for you some of the time.
At first, you brushed off the missed dates and forgotten promises, but the pattern has become too consistent for you to ignore.
While you might have been excited about them before, it’s disappointing to realize that they are not as reliable or invested in getting to know you as hoped they would be.
2. They are disrespectful
A toxic person will lack respect for your time, feelings, opinions and boundaries. They might interrupt you mid-sentence and casually dismiss your opinions like they don’t matter.
You feel undervalued and frustrated, which overshadows any potentially good moments you have spent together.
You’re torn between not wanting to rock the boat and standing up for yourself to gain the respect you aren’t getting.
3. They are selfish and self-centered
It feels like you’re constantly dancing to the beat of their drum. Their priorities are totally centered around their own desires and requirements, without taking your feelings into account.
You feel like an accessory in their life instead of a partner or exciting new person to get to know.
Because there is such a big problem with give and take in the relationship, you are starting to feel lonely and resentful.
You wonder if this self-centeredness is a temporary problem or who they really are.
When given the choice between doing something nice for you or themselves, you suspect the’d choose themselves every time.
4. They lack empathy
They seem unwilling or unable to understand or care about other people’s thoughts and feelings.
When you share details about yourself, they usually respond with indifference or dismiss you, which makes you feel lonely and isolated.
This emotional disconnect has made you question whether you have a true connection. You aren’t exactly sure whether they truly care about you or not.
5. They don’t pay very much attention to you
They don’t really seem to want to know much about you. They seem to prefer launching into monologues about themself.
You might have had a few deep, good conversations, but over time it has become clear they just don’t seem very interested in you.
6. They are critical, fault-finding and may use “humor” to insult you
A jerk might also make mean jokes at your expense. They might call you mean-spirited names.
They find fault and express their criticisms in a demeaning and unnecessarily rude way.
When you get offended and speak up about their disrespect, they might try to claim that it was all a joke. Or worse, they might accuse you of being too sensitive.
They may tame it down for awhile but over time their disrespect and nit-picky, fault-finding comments creep back into your interactions.
7. They are manipulative
Whether or not they have done anything to you, they brag about or tell stories about using other people for their own gain.
This might include lying, cheating, and influencing situations to get their way.
A jerk might nudge you toward choices that benefit them.
They often have a subtle way of twisting situations to their advantage which can make you second-guess yourself.
You feel distrusting and closed-off, even if you don’t exactly know why.
8. They are a bully
A jerk might resort to intimidation, threats or hostility to get their way.
Usually bullying doesn’t happen right at the beginning of a new relationship, this toxic behavior is more likely to come out after you get to know them for a bit.
You may also feel more anxious around them. You feel like you have to walk on eggshells.
9. They are controlling
Over time you have noticed how controlling they can be.
You might not even know what their standards ARE, but it feels like whatever you do is wrong. They are critical of efforts you make even in good faith. The relationship feels difficult and tiresome.
It might have started off subtly, with suggestions about what you should wear or how to spend your time, but it seems to be getting worse. You feel trapped and suffocated.
10. They toss you crumbs
One night they may stand you up completely and then text you the next day like nothing happened.
You might have no luck getting a response one day, but the next they are completely on top of the communication.
They have a hard time making time for you. You think you’re dead last on their priority list, until they suddenly plan a romantic date that gives you hope.
A jerk will toss you just enough crumbs to keep you interested in the relationship but never enough to feel truly satisfied with the way things are going.
11. They use how “damaged” they are as an excuse when you call them out for their poor behavior
As a fun, zany hybrid of excuse-making, they blame their shabby relationship behavior on “being damaged,” “previous bad relationships,” “not being sure how to love again” and/or “having trust issues.”
If they’re particularly awful, they will resort to sob stories and let you feel sorry for them while they keep lowering the bar.
This might be the case if you find yourself thinking, “all I have to do is be nice to them, they’ve been through so much.”
This puts you in the position of empathetically wanting to help heal their emotional damage by being particularly forgiving.
While you’re “being understanding,” they’re learning how much they can get away with.
12. You consistently have to chase them to get their attention
Because they don’t really have your best interests at heart (or even vaguely on their minds), getting appreciation, encouragement or even acknowledgement is an uphill battle.
If you speak up, they might make vague promises about doing better that they don’t keep for very long.
13. When you need them, they are too busy
Need a favor? Need help moving? Had a terrible day at work and want someone to listen?
They are nowhere to be found, or have a lame excuse for why they can’t be there for you.
14. Their attention feels like a drug
When they show you attention, you feel happy.
When they let you down for the 23rd time this month, their withdrawal hits you right in the gut.
If they’re running hot, you can relax a little, but watch out when they go cold. Your emotions, thoughts and feelings hinge on their actions in an unhealthy way.
When the other person goes from hot to cold and back, your emotions cycle from bliss to depression. You feel more than a little crazy and unhinged.
The crumbs of their attention combined with excuses for their poor behavior are enough to make you wonder if it’s all in your head.
While you used to see yourself as a level-headed person, you have started worrying about losing your mind.
15. You make excuses for their behavior
When they let you down, you tell yourself (or worse, your friends and family) the most seemingly logical reasons why they let you down (they were tired or busy at work) but deep down you know better.
Their behavior sucks, and you’re doing your best to rationalize and explain it away.
If you’re seeing these things in your situation, it’s not too late to get out.
You aren’t imagining things.
