Today I want to talk about how you can make sure that you are only really spending your time in the dating and relationship world with people that are the right fit for you who are likely to give you the kind of relationship that you want.
In other words, how do you stop wasting your time dating losers?
First of all, the term “loser” is an evaluation. Obviously, everybody has their own opinion about what constitutes having a useful purpose in their life.
But, most people want to be with somebody who is going somewhere in life and has goals and vision. If your partner or date’s vision of how they should be spending their time is endlessly playing video games, it may not necessarily line up with your vision of advancing in your career and buying a home or whatever your life goals are, right?
How do you make sure that you are not dating losers and spending time with the right type of people?
This is really a matter of self-esteem.
I know self-esteem is not a sexy topic that people like to talk about. It’s not about sending the right text message or how to play weird mind games. But self-esteem is an important aspect of dating and relationships because how you view yourself and how you view what you are worthy of will ultimately determine what you’re willing to welcome into your love life and your dating experience, right?
If you believe you are not lovable then you will be willing to put up with people who don’t love you or treat you the way they would if you believed you were loveable, right?
You might have these people who treat you poorly, are unwilling to commit to a real relationship with you, who are willing to blip in and out of your life. They’re willing to leave you hanging, disappoint you, break promises and do all of these things that you probably don’t want.
If you held yourself in high regard and believed you were worthy of high quality love, there would be a part of you that said, “This is not really what I want. I’m going to head over here and meet somebody who is going to treat me with the level of respect and love that I believe that I’m worthy of” right?
A person with a high level of self-esteem would remove themselves from that situation, so that they didn’t have to experience all that disappointment and frustration.
Somebody with a lower level of self-esteem would be the recipient of events like betrayal, disappointment, and date losers with ambiguous values or motives.
They essentially say to themselves, “This is not so bad. At least he’s not a serial killer. It’s not Prince Charming from Disney but this is OK. I’m going to put up with this.”
They’re saying “Give me more of this.” If dating losers is not what you want, then you have to understand what you are welcoming it into your life and make the conscious choice to say, “No, this isn’t what I want” and remove yourself from that situation.
A lot of people have this belief that once they’re in a relationship, they have to make it work at all costs but that’s absolutely not true.
If you are in a relationship with the wrong person, the more time you spend in that relationship, the less time you’re exposing yourself to people who have the ability, willingness or desire to give you the kind of relationship that you actually want.
You are spending a lot of time and energy trying to make things work with somebody who it won’t work with for any number of reasons.
Maybe they’re a good person but they’re not emotionally at the same level as you are. They just don’t have the ability to give you what you want.
The more time you spend with somebody who does not have the ability to give you what you want, the more time you are pouring into a— for lack of a better word— “a lost cause,” right?
Even if you win, you still end up losing. You have less time to devote to welcoming people into your life who do have the ability to help you get the kind of relationship that you do want.
That is how you make sure that you are spending the right time in your dating and relationship life with the right people.
This also involves being a good “ender.”
You have to be good at breaking up with people.
You have to be good at ending dating relationships once you realize that it’s not going to take you where you want to go.
To learn more about how to meet, date, and attract the kinds of people that you really want, please head on over to my website and fill out the quiz. I’ll follow up with customized relationship advice, tips and information about how to have an amazing relationship.
Let’s get to today’s question from a viewer. We have Adam, who says:
“Hi, Clay! I have noticed that over the last year or so, I have really sort of let my relational skills plateau and fall to the wayside. How do you personally keep a constant check on perfecting and developing your own advanced relational skills? Any tips?
P.S. I love these videos in addition to the modern love podcast so thank you for being so giving of yourself and your time!”
Thank you very much, Adam.
In terms of how to continue to develop and practice advanced relational skills—obviously, things like dating and relationships will present an opportunity for us to grow as people, right?
Nothing is more vulnerability inducing than dating.
Going up to somebody who you don’t really know but think is attractive and thinking, “Hey, you know this is me. I’m not perfect. There’s a lot of things wrong with me, I might have issues with parents. I have insecurities about my body, etc.” then essentially saying, “Hey, do you like me anyway?”
That takes a lot of courage and vulnerability.
If you use overcoming these vulnerabilities as a tool for self development, you will continue to deepen your advanced relational skills.
You can become more aware of areas that you are feeling insecure.
You can find ways of being more accepting and appreciating yourself.
You can work on having more transparency and vulnerability.
Even as you come out of the dating and relationship improvement world because you’re in a committed relationship with somebody and things are going really well— there are probably going to be other things in your life that you want to focus on whether that’s your career, health, whatever it might be, right?
Other parts of your life are equally important vehicles to cultivate your advanced relational skills.
You can look at your career as a way to learn better communication between you and your co-workers. You can look at your health as a way to be more mindful of the choices that you’re making when it comes to food or exercise.
You can bring these advanced relational skills into other areas of your life. I think it’s just normal human nature to have something you are focusing your attention on whether that’s love and relationships or that’s health and fitness, your career investments or even your hobbies.
There’s always something that’s going to pull your attention and that thing is most likely something that you can use as a vehicle to help you cultivate the advanced relational skills I teach.
If you want, I’ll show you exactly how to start working on your Advanced Relational Skills so that you can leverage them immediately.
Next, I’ll send your customized advice, tips and strategies for exactly how you can get the kind of amazing relationship you’ve always wanted.
Again, thanks so much for your question, Adam. I hope this has helped you out. And this has been Clay. Take care.