A reader asks, “can I still manifest my ex back even if I don’t love myself?”
I’m trying to manifest my ex back after 14 months of no contact. Everywhere I go talks about self love and whatnot and that you must learn to be happy and enjoy life without your ex if you are to manifest her/him.
But I just don’t see it as being possible. Without my ex, my life is meaningless and everything is pointless. I’m not happy at all and I simply can’t be happy without her.
Nothing in my life is interesting to me anymore.
I don’t hate myself like I used to do in the past but I just don’t care about myself and I certainly don’t love myself. I know for sure that if she was back, I’d be happy and life would have meaning again and therefore I’d have self love.
But I can’t find a way to do it until then, I can only distract myself with video games, for example. Which makes me think about her less.
So my question is, can I still manifest my ex back or no?
Let’s talk a little bit about manifesting love with your ex girlfriend or anyone.
Your question points to some tricky underlying beliefs that might be tripping you up on your quest to manifest love with your ex or anyone else.
The reason why people bang on about self love and talk about how important it is to love yourself first is because in order to manifest and maintain love on the outside, you require the ability to receive someone’s love on the inside.
To manifest anything, you have to be in the beliefs and state of what you want.
If you don’t love yourself, you can’t feel or accept someone’s love for you for very long— even if they truly do love you.
If you make someone else into your tin God when you’re the real rule maker and decision maker in your own reality, what does that do?
It puts you at their mercy.
It makes you dependent on them.
You become helpless without their approval.
Your happiness is no longer safe without them.
Now, let’s turn around what those beliefs and mindsets manifest when you apply them to a romantic relationship and depersonalize it a little to demonstrate my point.
Say you and I fall deeply, madly and completely in love.
I happen to have the mindset you described. I love you first, and myself a very distant second or not at all.
Remember, when I position you as number one, it makes my happiness in life completely dependent upon whatever you’re doing at any given moment.
Say one day I notice something and decide it might be a threat to our relationship.
Maybe I had a bad dream where you died. Maybe your flirty co-worker makes eyes at you during the company picnic. Whatever.
Like an oyster with a grain of sand, I start looking for signs you don’t love me anymore.
From my fear based perspective this is REALLY bad news since you’re my everything. The sun rises and sets with you. If you go, I’m going to be doomed to a life of perpetual unhappiness and displeasure.
In my infinite wisdom, I hatch a fear-based action plan to keep you around.
I start by telling you how much I love you… constantly.
I stop by your house and work to see you (not at all to *check on what you’re doing without me*).
I bake you MANY things. Some of them are even delicious.
I say a lot of nice things but do more insecure, clingy actions that make you worry you’ll never get another free moment to yourself.
At first, this strokes your ego and feels kinda cool. You think, “awesome, wow, this person is totally into me.”
Because I’m so focused on this new fear you’re going to leave, I keep checking you for signs you are leaving.
Remember, my deeply seated belief says that if I lose you, my happiness is in big trouble. I’m protecting myself by doing all this checking on you since fear lies and tells me that now my emotional life is at stake.
I start asking you for verbal reassurance that you love me and still care.
I make a Google docs spreadsheet of how often you’re affectionate.
Then, if you aren’t AS affectionate on any given day, panic leads me to directly confront you.
At first you’re fine with a few “yes love muffin, you’re amazing” reassurance statements, but after little while, you just don’t get it.
You start wondering why I’m acting so clingy and weird.
Before, things were so cool and easy between us. We had so much fun. There wasn’t anything to worry about. You liked saying “I love you” but it really came from that soft, warm place inside you instead of being ripped from your body through my panicky attempts at coercion.
Now that I’m checking our relationship temperature all the time, you start to think something is seriously wrong with me. You stop wanting to see me as often so we won’t have more anxious conversations (ARGUMENTS) about your feelings for me.
Sadly, before this and even now, you love me more than anything on the planet. I can’t see that because I’m blinded by fear and obsessively trying to prevent loss.
You figure it’s best to let me work this out so you try to give me some hands-off time to center myself (or something).
You wait and maybe even half-heartedly Google “how to get your girlfriend to stop being needy” while sincerely hoping this will blow over. Maybe you gently try to tell me you need some space.
All this does is make me panic about this increased distance and redouble my efforts to solidify our relationship.
In a lightning bolt of inspiration, I realize, “OH YES! IF WE GET MARRIED, THEN SNOOKIEWOOKUMS WILL HAVE TO STAY FOREVER.”
I suddenly start showing you wedding blogs and trying to demonstrate how special our special day could be.
When you seem annoyed, afraid or worried (or all of the above) about how this frenzy of need and anxiety has taken over our relationship, it convinces me all my biggest fears are coming true.
You DON’T really love me. This is BAD NEWS. The fear blinders grow.
After a lot more drama, I abruptly announce my mistaken belief that you don’t really love me and that I’m leaving you.
I’m not even consciously aware that my real, sneaky intention for this breakup is really for you to PROVE YOUR LOVE by causing a dramatic scene where you chase after me movie-style and proclaim your love to me.
I’m convinced that somehow this drama will finally make it clear that you REALLY, REALLY DO LOVE ME (this time) because you’re conceding to my demands.
That false sense of security is only temporary but I don’t know this. My hunger for your love and approval continues day and night.
Maybe the first or second time I cause so much drama that we break up, you actually do chase me down and proclaim your love.
You think to yourself, “maybe all my effort will FINALLY convince them, plus I miss them.” So you do it. You try to give me reassurance, correctly diagnosing the problem as fear but not having any idea how to actually solve anything.
Things are okay for a while… until.
Eventually, you finally give up or become so exhausted, beat-down and complacent that you start daring me to genuinely leave you for good. You play dead. You stop showering and start trying to actively make me go away on my own.
In the beginning, you DID love me. As time wears on, you realize that no matter how high you jump or how much you give, it’s never enough.
You can’t win.
If you give some, I need more.
If you give less, I freak out because you’re my everything and source of all that’s good. My supply is diminishing fast. The air is getting thin on this plane.
You get the picture.
Let me ask you.
In this scenario, who really left who?
Did you leave me?
Actually no. Since I left myself first, I can’t even see how much you genuinely adore me.
Tragically, our relationship ends. We split up forever and I go on to repeat the same fear-based cycle with anyone I attempt a new relationship with. I become progressively more and more disappointed, thinking that if I could just manifest love once and for all, I would finally be happy.
This example is dramatic on purpose to illustrate my point, but it’s why you can’t read about manifesting your ex back without seeing something about self love.
When people ramble on about why you should love yourself first it sounds like another weird gate you have to go through to get someone back or find a mate.
And, since you know you were genuinely happy the last time you were together it makes sense that you’d try to fix your problem by getting back together with your ex girlfriend.
I get it.
The thing is, getting your ex girlfriend back doesn’t solve the real problem for very long. Only putting yourself first does. That way, you’re bulletproof.
You have options.
No one is your supply of happiness.
And… you can choose who you want in your life instead of making them your only source of love.
Putting yourself first frees you up to see that someone else really DOES love and accept you. You don’t have to worry about what they’re doing and you can simply experience the joy of their company. You stop feeling alone when you’re willing to go home to yourself.
And sure, you could probably manifest your ex back for a short time even if you don’t love yourself.
The problem is, what kind of relationship do you really want to have in the long term? Do you want it to be built on shaky ground or bedrock?
Bedrock is what self love provides and what I want for you.