I’d love to get your advice on my situation.
I was with my girlfriend for a little over a year. I started pulling away emotionally around the year mark. I had the upper hand the whole relationship (as bad as that is to say).
In any case I became increasingly emotionally unavailable and she broke up with me. I walked away.
I was free and easy for 6 weeks post breakup. I was loving life, going out, dating, partying. It was great. But as is my way, I had really just buried it all inside and it all surfaced 6 weeks after breaking up. I then realized I made a mistake and I wanted her back.
So I texted asking if we could get together and talk so that I could tell her what’s in my heart since I was so shellshocked when we broke up and didn’t say much. Neither of us had communicated for that 6 week period. However, she said she had moved on and was over it and didn’t want to talk in person and relive it.
I should say that our relationship was great. I showered her with gifts and great dinners, we never fought, I never cheated, we had a blast together and she truly loved me. I hung out with her family a lot.
When she refused to meet up, I panicked and vomited love all over her via text. Then an hour later she responded that she doesn’t want to meet and that she’s moved on. I kept trying and she said she would talk to me the next day.
The next day she called me at the worst time. I was forced to have that tough conversation in the open. I failed. She told me that it was over and to leave her alone.
So we hung up and the next day I sent her an email saying everything I should have said before, but that I want to respect her decision and request that I leave her alone. So I will.
I sent one more email addressing the issues that she had. She never responded.
I haven’t contacted my ex since then. Where do I go from here?
Any advice on my chances of winning her back would be greatly appreciated.
Wow. Thanks for sharing that. You’ve gone through a lot and I can see why you’re at the end of your rope with this one.
Unfortunately this is going to be harsh.
For now you’ve done the absolute most that you can do when it comes to getting your ex to notice that you want her back. The ball is absolutely in her court. She knows where to find you— and you’ve made your intentions abundantly clear.
The problem is, you’ve done f*cked this up, son. My point is not to shame you, it’s to explain that the critical point to STOP what you were doing was right after she turned down your invitation to meet up. But I know you don’t have a time machine– so I imagine you are already beating yourself up enough. This is one of those weird paradox situations when it comes to exes.
While you’re hanging around making grand gestures, humiliating yourself, it’s like your ex can smell the sweet scent of your tears and think “CONQUERED! I DID IT.” It takes away whatever attraction they have left for you.
Then they can go on their merry way thinking that “they won” until the moment that you either a.) are truly over them b.) at least present them with a convincing facsimile. This is understandably frustrating, I know.
Usually, the way around this is to avoid putting all of your cards on the table.
Unfortunately, yours are all out there, exposed, in the open for her to see. You’ve played your hand.
Exes, like mystical unicorns or felines do NOT respond to grand gestures. Now, they THINK they want a grand gesture. Sometimes they THINK they want you to “win them back,” or for you to change, but unfortunately this is the opposite of what actually works to get them back.
Like I discuss in my coaching programs and 1:1 work, when you push, the other person usually pulls in the opposite direction.
Your ex sounds knows what she wants. If she SHOULD decide to change her mind about that being you, at this point she will have to decide that on her own. And if she’s going to, it will probably take months of you leaving her and her friends COMPLETELY alone (no texting, no emails, completely alone).
Think about it like this:
It’s like while you were in the relationship, when you felt like you could do whatever you wanted because as you said, “I had the upper hand the whole relationship.” When YOU had the upper hand, you pulled away and got real scared and distant like. So she responded by kicking you to the curb, and can now feel smug about you crawling back, promising her the sun, moon and stars. Unfortunately she sounds pretty certain about her decision to move on now to me.
Now, you potentially have a chance IF (and this is a big IF)
She truly misses you, and you’ve left her alone long enough to think about how much you wanted her back. She has to put on her rose colored glasses and think about the good ‘ole days. Then she has to change her mind— just like you did.
Exes respond to their ex being over them after they feel like they lost upper hand. This isn’t conscious at all, it’s just the way the dynamic works. It’s the reason why so many people return, get rejected, then months (or years) later, their ex wants to revisit things, only to find that the person who previously wanted them back has completely moved on.
So where does this leave you?
Continue to not do anything. The two weeks you’ve already gone is a good start. Distractions. Get really buff. Do a hobby you’ve never tried before. Throw yourself into your work. Do not wait around for her.
If you get her back at this point, it will be because she puts out a very small feeler to talk to you and you play it cool. This feeler will probably not look dramatic in any way. It will most likely look like she reaches out about something mundane.
When/IF she appears, you must be calm, cool and collected. You must NOT tell her all about your feelings. You must not spill everything again and talk about how much you screwed up. You must remind her of what it was like to date you when things were great. No more emotional displays, no hurt, no “oh my God, I thought you would never call.” To get to the point where this is possible, it’s time to move on.
Here are a few resources to start the moving on process:
Best of luck NotSureWhatToDoNow. I’m sorry you’re going through this.