“When I give empathy to any subject my ex shares with me, she ignores me unless it is about her 6-year-old son, whom I’ve helped raise for three years. She now only lets us connect solely on him.”
It really depends on a couple of different things.
The first factor you may want to explore is how exactly are you talking to her?
If you put yourself in her position and start to hear the words that are coming out of your mouth through her ears from what you know of her life experience, from what you know of her emotional personality, it could be that you start to discover what you’re saying is not really as empathetic as you might hope and that you can actually come across as having a hidden agenda.
Maybe you’re trying to use her as a means to an end or something along those lines.
The other possibility, assuming that you run through that scenario and you’re like, “Hey, I’m squeaky clean in how I’m talking to her.” OK, great.
The other possibility is that she is still holding on to some degree of emotional resistance for one reason or another and she is not emotionally ready to open up to you.
You know maybe your ex is still hurt over something that happened around the breakup or she is not certain about what your intentions are.
Maybe she thinks that you might be trying to line things up in order to get back together, whereas you haven’t really shown her that you actually care about what her experience is and she might be afraid you’re more interested in just trying to get back together, just trying to get back to where things used to be with her rather than actually hearing her out and seeing where she’s at emotionally and connecting with her there. That’s one possibility as well too.
Another possibility is that she might just have her hands full and she really only has the capacity to connect on the subject of her son.
A 6-year-old is probably very different from a 9-month-old. But my wife and I, we are running on limited amounts of energy bandwidth and all of that stuff with our 9-month-old daughter. Especially since just the past day or two, she started to have separation anxiety. She’s really terrified when we put her down to sleep at night. She thinks that we have disappeared and that she’s all alone and so she starts crying and it’s an experience. Let me just put it that way.
But I definitely recommend exploring those possibilities when it comes to your ex and her emotional availability and her willingness or unwillingness to connect on subjects that do not revolve around her 6-year-old son.
Anyway, this has been Clay Andrews. If you like what we’re doing here and want to learn more about how you can emotionally connect with your ex, fill out your free quiz here and I’ll send you customized tips, strategies and advice for creating an amazing relationship.