(Go back to part 4 here.)
Our next question is from Rae who has some questions about whether the Ex Solutions Program works for casual and rebound relationships. Rae writes in and says,
My ex and I were intimately dating casually and broke up over his ex three times over a period of a year. The last breakup exploded into a huge fight between his ex, him and me.
I realized after a couple of months and settling down emotionally that he was telling the truth. His ex had fabricated stories about the two of them. I realized this when she attacked both of us publicly and privately in her storylines were filled with inconsistencies in midst of all the conflict he started seeing someone else.
We continue to talk on the phone, mostly trying to work out all of the hurt feelings between the two of us. I’ve tried to stand by him in the gossip is ex started and have told him I’m sorry for not trusting him and pulling away.
Looking back We were probably at the crisis point (stage) in getting back together because he was calling and texting again, but then he told me that he was in love with the girl that he was seeing and I blew it with tears in desperation.
He felt really bad and has apologized to me since. I think he is keeping me away because he doesn’t want to hurt me further. He still communicates with me only if I call him.
I would like to put all of this drama behind us and create positive interactions together, but he will not see me or spend time with me because he has told me he was afraid that we will become intimate and he is in a relationship now, previously to break up.
We were growing close, got along great, and we’re very attached to each other. We shared mutual interests, goals and values. I love him, he’s an amazing man and I want to spend the rest of my life with him.
My question is:
1. Does the program apply to casual relationships and is his new girlfriend a rebound?
Because technically I was his rebound and because of the strain caused by his ex, our relationship never had the chance to develop?
So your first question, does the Ex Solutions Program apply to casual relationships?
It absolutely can provided there is an emotional connection to work with between you and your ex boyfriend.
If it’s just a one night stand or something where there’s no real emotional connection, we don’t really have anything to build off of.
But if you do have the ability to connect with this person emotionally and have some sort of history with them on an emotional level, then yeah, there is the chance that the two of you can rebuild that emotional connection and it can be strong enough to bring the two of you back together again.
So don’t try looking for some sort of loophole about why getting your ex boyfriend back won’t work, but instead try to find a way about why this can work for you, why you can have benefit from learning how to connect with other people on an emotional level and to develop high levels of emotional intimacy.
When it comes to your second question— is his new girlfriend a rebound?
I don’t know because you honestly haven’t really told us too much about their relationship.
You spent most of your time here talking about the drama that happened between you and his prior girlfriend.
And that’s understandable given everything that happened, but I don’t really know exactly what’s going on between him and this third girl in the picture.
You say technically you were his rebound because of the strain caused by his ex and so your relationship never really had the chance to develop.
Well, that that could very well be true. I don’t know. I wasn’t really there, but with rebound relationships it’s not really a matter of,
“X number of months have happened” or “It’s been two months since you broke up with so and so, therefore, anybody that you date right now is going to be a rebound relationship.”
Rebound relationships are really a matter of how people deal with their emotions from a breakup, right?
It is possible to overcome the emotional experience of a breakup very quickly— sometimes in a matter of days or weeks— but that is not how most people generally deal with their emotions after a breakup because most people are not trained or experienced to really deal with their emotions in that sort of way.
Most people tend to numb out by focusing on things like going out to clubs and bars, drinking, rebound relationships, video games.
If you do that, you’re not really avoiding the pain of the breakup. You’re just kind of delaying it. You’re not shortcutting your way out of experiencing it. You’re just delaying the experience.
This includes even getting into a rebound relationship because that will come back and you will have to experience those feelings.
You might do it in a different context of being in a relationship with someone else and you’re projecting a lots of feelings, regrets and hurt emotions onto this other person and rebound relationship— in which case— that’s not very nice and not very cool to do, but it’s definitely something that could happen.
If you were your ex boyfriend’s rebound relationship then it is possible to get back together with him, but the two of you are both going to have to deal with your emotions in a healthy way because people entering into a rebound relationship are— by definition— emotionally unavailable.
That means he was probably emotionally unavailable to some degree coming out of his relationship with his ex girlfriend that caused all the drama.
And there was probably a part of you that was emotionally unavailable too. If you look hard enough to find it, you could see that, there was maybe some part of you that was trying to get validation from him or something like that.
Even though, maybe on some unconscious level you knew that he was emotionally unavailable and unable or unwilling to give you what you wanted, right?
If you look closer at that, then you might find that there is some emotionally unavailable aspect to you as well too.
So if both of you are able to work through that emotional unavailability and come together in a place of emotional availability and create a strong emotional connection from that, then yes, the two of you can get things to work out in a successful relationship.
So Rae, I hope this helps you out and please keep us updated on how things go moving forward from here.
Continue to part 6 here.
Want another chance?
You want to focus on clearing away the negative emotions between you and your ex. To learn exactly how to do that, please head on over to my website and take the short quiz.
Next I’ll send you my free report, 5 Unconscious Signs Your Ex Wants You (HINT: C.A.P.E.T) which goes into more detail about exactly how to get your ex back. Along the way, I’ll be in touch over email with specific advice and strategies to help you get your ex back.