Today I want to talk about how to make him miss you after a breakup.
Before we jump in, there are two important things to keep in mind about this whole process.
First, you don’t miss people who are still around, you miss them because they’re gone, right?
That is incredibly simple, but it’s really worth mentioning since people overlook it all the time.
Your first instinct may be to try and keep the communication going so he doesn’t forget about you. This usually backfires. Badly.
Obsessively keeping in touch is not how to make him miss you after a break up.
He can’t miss you and realize the breakup was a mistake with you lurking around, trying to tell him verbally how WRONG he is to break up with you.
You don’t get closer to anyone by telling them they are wrong.
The second important thing I want you to realize is that you can’t make anyone feel anything.
This is important because if you’re going around thinking that other people have the power to make you feel things, you are going to struggle and probably cause yourself a ton of unnecessary pain.
Our thoughts create our feelings. Feelings are THOUGHT.
What you really want when you want a man to miss you is for him to want to spend time with and talk to you.
You might be angry with him or sad or disappointed (or a combo), but what you’re really seeking is more closeness with him.
And if that’s NOT what you actually want, why bother?
If you don’t recognize this when you do get the chance to interact with him, you will act in ways that will push him even further away.
You probably don’t enjoy spending time with people who are into berating and criticizing you, right?
Neither does he.
This is not a gendered thing either, no one really wants to be criticized or taken to task for what they are doing.
They want to be treated softly, even when you are disappointed, angry and upset with them.
Whether or not someone “deserves” for you to be kind is a whole other discussion and a waste of time when you’re trying to figure out what actually works in this situation.
That brings me to exactly how to make your ex miss you and how to get your ex back. Let’s get started:
1. Give him all the time and space he wants
Go no contact. Cut all ties with your ex. Right now, your silence is golden.
Right after a breakup, there is a lot of confusion and turbulence.
One or both of you might have said and done things that you did not mean.
You might not have been emotionally centered and reasonable.
You might have acted in ways that would make your usual self cringe.
Those are the most recent memories your ex has about you.
But if there was love, there was SOMETHING about the relationship that made it good enough for you both to do it.
That gets forgotten during both the breakup and the time leading up to it.
The bad things about the relationship had to get so bad that leaving was a better choice than staying.
That’s it’s a good idea to leave your ex alone for a while to get past the hurt, pain and whatever else went on during the breakup.
Even though it sounds simple, in practice, not contacting someone you’ve been close to for months or even years can be hard as hell (here are some things to do instead).
His own thoughts and imagination are your secret weapon in getting him back.
You need to give him time to forget the bad things that happen at the end of relationships and put the rose colored glasses on.
Also, going no contact gives you the time to think about the breakup— and this perspective is invaluable.
Even though I usually say to cut ties on social media after a breakup, don’t— if you have an eye on getting him back.
If you are truly interested in shutting the door and moving on completely, that’s the time to hit the delete button.
For now, just hit “unfollow” not “unfriend” so you’re not tormented by his social media updates.
The idea is that you want to create an “out of sight, out of mind” situation so you can get out of the super reactive place that everyone goes emotionally right after a breakup.
You might be tempted to write him messages online, or post public messages that are vaguely, kinda-sorta about him.
Also avoid posting those weepy, angry, photo memes. Don’t. Just don’t do anything.
Trust me, you’re going to regret it later.
In order to make this work, you must not call, text, Facebook message, Tweet, pass notes or send missives by carrier pigeon.
More than anything else on this list, you must GO NO CONTACT for a while— at least a month, if not more.
Cutting him off makes him miss you and wonder what you’re up to.
2. Be flawlessly polite and kind with all contact, but NEVER argue with the decision to break up
Do not try to negotiate, beg, plead or otherwise change your exe’s mind with your words. This is not how you make him miss you.
I used to say not to return your exe’s messages after a breakup unless it involved shared business responsibilities or kids.
I was wrong about that piece of breakup advice and I want to make amends.
Based on feedback from my popular breakup coaching program, anyone who breaks up with you could think that you secretly hate them.
This is made worse by the fact that people say a lot of awful things when they break up.
The person who initiated the breakup is usually terrified of more hurtful talk and negativity.
Men especially are more sensitive than they let on.
If you’re rude to a man after a breakup, they usually think they have no chance of getting back together, even if they miss you and truly regret their decision to break up with you.
People do tend to break up and then get back together, but they can’t safely love you when they are afraid of you.
Don’t be rude to your ex, just don’t initiate any contact with them right now unless it’s essential.
3. Allow yourself to release the pain
I’ve described my method for getting over an ex here, and here’s how to stop thinking about him.
By clinging to his memory, you aren’t getting any closer to getting him back– keeping the pain of the breakup alive just hurts you.
Focus on remembering the good times that you both shared while letting go of your pain surrounding the breakup.
Often people prolong the time it takes to feel happy again because they think that being miserable means they care.
This is hogwash.
Allowing yourself to get past the pain makes you a happier, more productive person and is much more magnetic and attractive than despair.
I promise you that no one EVER got anyone else back and had a healthy relationship in the long term by showing how devastated, depressed and heartbroken they were after the breakup.
That “hurt” energy is repellent– and it will not make your ex miss you.
Don’t torture yourself with pain to show anyone else anything. It only hurts you and makes the whole situation worse.
4. Don’t mope around
I know that breakups can hurt like hell.
If you’re sad, you’re sad. Feel all your feelings.
However, strive to A), not mope in public and B), fake it until you make it when you’re anywhere your ex or their people.
In public (this includes your social media), do your best to put on a happy face.
Not overtly cheery or “look at me, I’m doing sooooo wonderful,” just overall positive.
Like I said– which bears repeating, do NOT post about the gory details of your breakup on social media.
Don’t post or share dramatic memes about heartbreak, being screwed over or the way love supposedly “works.”
You know the ones– that sound like they’re peak pain and drama.
No one wants to look at your social media page and see you sharing dark memes about breakups and how love only hurts in the end.
This is a dead giveaway you’re in a bad emotional place and will NOT make him miss you.
Only vent about the breakup to people that you are certain won’t tell your ex. People like your best friend forever and not your mutual friends. If in doubt, just keep quiet about it.
Yes, you’re crafting an illusion that you aren’t phased by the breakup, but this is important.
Let whatever happened during your breakup stay in the past.
Trying to prove how devastated you are from losing the relationship is NOT how to make him miss you and want you back.
5. Don’t stalk him
This goes along with no contact listed above, but it’s worth it’s own bullet point since it’s so common and since you aren’t directly contacting him with the stalking, it still can feel like you’re not exactly IN contact.
Don’t cyberstalk, drive by his house, accidentally “show up” at places that you both frequent or anything else.
The point right now is to break your chemical addiction to your ex even if you ultimately want to make him miss you and get your ex back.
If you’ve already been doing these things, I get it, I truly do.
Right now it’s time to place your loving focus right back where it belongs– on your shiny new beginning.
6. Live your own life and remodel it
This means going out with friends, making new ones, revamping your hobbies and moving on with your life right now.
You’ve got to get new routines that don’t involve your ex.
Now is the time to revamp your look by getting in shape, changing your hair and/or experimenting with new clothes.
This is an excellent time to take up a hobby or reignite your interest in your passions.
And if you don’t quite feel like it right now, I get it. Try to do it anyway.
That way, once he misses you and gets in touch, you’ll have happy news to share about all the things you’ve been doing.
This makes you more attractive and shows him that you are in demand, have interesting and positive new things happening in your life.
THIS is when exes start to come around and miss you. It’s never when you have been putting your life on hold while you try to “heal” or “get closure” or whatever.
7. Avoid overt plays for his attention
Don’t actively TRY to make your ex jealous by posting pics of yourself on social media with other people.
This comes off as fake and desperate to get his attention.
Don’t drop hints to mutual friends about how great you’re doing, hoping that the information will get back to him.
Get and remain centered on you.
If your ex cared about you at all, right now he will be thinking about you and he WILL miss you if you’re doing the rest of the suggestions here about how to make him miss you.
(You are at least considering it right? GOOD! I’m proud of you.)
Trying to put on an obvious show will come off like you’re still all his, which will not inspire him to reach out to you and start the slow process of getting back together with you.
8. If you feel like doing something specific to make him miss you, just wait
Most women whose relationships I help save are terrified their ex will forget them.
As if they were not the amazing, magnetic, wonderful women they truly are… deep down.
It’s this fear that causes people to make the vast majority of the mistakes people make when they really want to save their relationship.
I don’t know about you, but anytime I’ve gotten my heart broken, I haven’t been thinking 100% clearly.
And because of this lack of clear thinking, it can seem really logical and even super important to reach out to your ex in a knee-jerk reaction to the feelings swirling around inside of you.
When it comes to breakups, the knee jerk reaction is 99.9% of the time, completely unhelpful.
It’s really common for you to want to do something, ANYTHING to get his attention– like your life depends on it.
That’s your body’s chemical bonding to the man crying out in protest to being away from him. It’s NOT who you really are.
If you’re feeling bad in ANY way, that is your sign to NOT reach out to your ex
For right now– or if you’re in doubt, don’t do anything at all. Just be.
By taking a hands off approach, you’re giving him the opportunity to think about his decision and decide whether he wants to come back to you.
That’s what you want in the first place, right?
So give him time and space.
To get my help saving your relationship, get coaching with me here.
