Let’s go ahead and get into our question and answer for today. Clyde writes in and says,
Two weeks ago, I asked you about rebound relationships and how a common case for women is to seek validation in that kind of relationship.
If I understand correctly, they may chase the man and if they get him, that proves their value.
It got me thinking about what happens when a man like me chases a woman who isn’t completely emotionally available.
I wonder if it could have the opposite effect. That is if she ends up in a relationship with me because I pursued it, from her perspective, it might feel like she achieved it effortlessly. As if she did nothing to deserve that love.
Could this leave her feeling like she has settled too easily?
This has to do with a lot of advice about dating that I have heard.
According to which, women need to feel challenged in order to fall in love with a man.
I’d like to know more about your opinion about all of this. Thank you.
So when it comes to this idea of a challenge— this applies both to men and women.
This is not like specific to one gender because women also have this belief that men need to be the pursuer, that men only like the thrill of the chase and blah blah blah blah.
At the end of the day, it’s not that people don’t like being pursued or don’t want to be pursued or vice versa or want to be pursued or don’t.
All of this has to do with the idea of having something given to you for nothing.
For example, it’s one thing to flirt with somebody and to say:
“Wow, the way that you just talked about your art and what you’re passionate about is really moving to me. I think that that’s incredibly sexy and I would love to get to know you more and to take you out for coffee. Are you free on Thursday?”
It’s one thing to say that.
But it’s another thing to say:
“Hey, you’re beautiful. Do you want to go out on a date with me?”
The second is something unearned, verses somebody expressing themselves and talking about something they’re passionate about or some aspect of their personality.
They’re sharing something of that magnitude and investing something into the interaction and the dynamic between the two of you.
They are an active participant in sculpting the direction that the interaction goes.
That’s why I prefer to flirt with people during relate—reward cycles.
When you do the relate, you are actually encouraging that person to share more about themselves.
You’re actively engaging with them and reflecting back something about them you find attractive that you are fascinated with or really touched, moved or inspired you.
And.. that is something that they had to work to earn even if it’s just a little bit.
Therefore, that is the compliment (reward).
That is the thing that comes with them putting skin in the game as well too.
It’s a mutually created experience, right?
Whereas for a cliché example, women often complain about men catcalling at them as they walk by a construction site.
All these guys yell, “Ooh! Yeah, looking nice, baby. Oh yeah!” and all of that stuff.
That is generally not welcomed by a woman because she has done absolutely nothing to earn that kind of praise.
Sure, maybe she woke up in the morning and put on a nice outfit or whatever. But she actually didn’t choose to engage in that conversation.
It’s not like she was putting on the outfit and thinking to herself, “I’m going to walk by this construction site. All these guys are going to whoop and holler at me because I’m wearing this really provocative, nice outfit.”
She just put it on because that’s what she felt like wearing that day and the path of her day happened to lead her by the construction site where all those people just happened to give her some attention.
That kind of attention was not earned.
She put zero effort into that interaction.
Therefore, she has no perceived value in that interaction.
See the difference?
When it comes to you pursuing a woman, she will take it as being something of value if it is something that she works together WITH you to co-create.
She will value it more when she is able to bring herself to your interactions and she is able to express who she is and her personality.
And, importantly, if you are able to appreciate and acknowledge those real aspects about herself she shares, then your time together will be something that she values.
So if she expresses some interest in art or something she enjoys, you might say “You know, because you’ve expressed such a strong interest in art, I thought we could go out on our next date to this art museum?” or something along those lines.
She is playing an active role in the interaction in how it unfolds. And of course, you are too by planning the date.
But you’re not just asking her out on some sort of bland, typical date.
You’re not just throwing yourself at her.
You’re not bending over backwards to create some sort of relationship with her while she’s just sitting there.
Those types of relationships and dating situations are the kind of thing that people take for granted.
To the recipient of thoughtless praise and advances, it often doesn’t feel good on an emotional level because that person has put no investment into the dynamic.
Therefore, your interaction seems lopsided and it’s not in accordance with what we call “The Investor Strategy” in our courses.
Remember, you want to have a more or less equal amount of investment in the relationship as the person you’re interested in attracting.
It’s not always going to be equal.
Sometimes you’re going to have more invested and sometimes she’s going to have more invested.
But it’s a matter of slowly upping the ante so that the stakes are more or less equal on each side.
That’s why it’s important to actually follow The Investor Strategy I teach.
So, Clyde, I hope this helps you out and please keep us updated on how things go moving forward from here.
All right. So that was the Q&A for this week.
To learn more about The Investor Strategy and how attract people by making them invest in YOU, I welcome you to take the free quiz here.
After you fill that out, I’ll send over customized advice, tips and strategies for attracting great people, dating successfully and building amazing relationships.