This is Helena Hart. Today I want to talk about what to do you if you’re feeling attached to an emotionally unavailable man who is slightly out of reach.
The might be the kind of man who is doing just enough to keep you there or he’s hanging around and wanting to spend time with you but he’s not really doing what it takes to make you really feel safe and secure in the relationship. Or maybe he’s not even really committing to being in a real relationship with you.
This is something I’ve been hearing so much from women lately. If this is a situation you’re in right now, just know you’re not alone.
Hopefully, what I’m going to share will help you out.
Being attached to an emotionally unavailable man is such a common situation. I’m very familiar with this kind of man in this kind of relationship dynamic where you can get so strongly bonded to and feel so attached to a man who’s slightly out of your reach. He’s always keeping himself at arm’s length.
Maybe he comes on strong for a little while but then when things get too close or when he suspects that you have even a hint of expectation about a potential relationship or moving the relationship to the next level, he might back off, pull away or come up with all these reasons why it would never work out or why he’s not ready for a relationship.
I’ve certainly been there myself. I know how painful and frustrating it can be when you have really strong feelings for a man and you get the sense that he has those same feelings for you but he’s just not taking things to the next level or committing to a real relationship with you.
Our subconscious mind is so committed to homeostasis and survival. It’s concerned with protecting us and keeping us safe.
It doesn’t make decisions about what’s good for us and what’s bad or what’s healthy and unhealthy.
Our prefrontal cortex is what makes those kinds of decisions but our subconscious doesn’t do that.
Our subconscious is what creates the spark of attraction with the type of man who feels familiar to us, fits right into our old relationship patterns or what love felt like to us earlier in life.
So if your caretakers or parents were a little emotionally unavailable or dealing with things that made them not fully available and supportive of you when you were a child— that’s just one example— you might feel attracted to men who make you feel like you have to win their love or work hard to get their approval.
Rather than getting stuck on analyzing a man or trying to figure out what’s going on with him or asking “how do I get him to commit to me or get him to come closer and do what I want?”
It’s really important to take your focus off that man right now and put it on yourself, your own life and your own patterns or blocks to love.
Here’s an example where a man is just slightly out of reach or he just isn’t fully accepting you or committing to a relationship with you.
I used to attract this type of emotionally unavailable man.
There was always something. If it wasn’t this one thing, it was something else. It became so clear to me after uncovering some of my patterns that this type of man was never going to commit to a real relationship with me, at least not for very long.
If you have something similar going on with an emotionally unavailable man your own life right now, ask yourself which parts of yourself are you not accepting, loving or embracing that are causing you to attract or stay connected to men who are not fully accepting you or committing to you exactly as you are?
There’s often an unloved part of yourself that you might not be facing.
Then, on a subconscious level, you’re looking on the outside for that validation or reassurance or love.
It’s almost like on a subconscious level, you might be thinking,
“If I can get this man to choose me or love me or jump over all these obstacles to be with me, then that means that I’ll be lovable or then I’ll feel worthwhile or secure within myself and it’s just the opposite.”
If you’re stuck in that cycle— and I have certainly been there myself— you’re chasing love outside of yourself and it never works out. It’s like a dog chasing its tail, right?
You’re running after that love that you think you want so badly because on some level you think it might heal or fix you and it never does.
What your soul or the larger part of yourself is seeking is to get that love, acceptance, reassurance and security from inside yourself first.
You’re never going to get it from the outside in a way that’s sustainable and so you learn how to give that love and acceptance to yourself first.
That’s what I would do here. Take your focus OFF any man who’s not fully stepping up, accepting, loving and wanting to be with you in the kind of relationship you want.
Take your focus AWAY from any man who’s not doing the job or fully committing to you exactly as you are.
Take a look at yourself and ask yourself:
“What parts of myself am I not accepting or loving that are causing me to stay attached to this kind of emotionally unavailable man?”
Then ask yourself:
“What would the most self-assured, confident, high self-esteem woman do in this situation?”
The answer to this is almost always:
“She would move on. She would NOT waste her time on any man who wasn’t sure about his feelings for her or who is interested in other women or has some kind of issue in his life that prevents him from committing to the kind of relationship she wants.”
Get in touch with that strong, confident part of yourself. I know it’s in there.
Once you uncover some of these patterns that are going on within you, you will lose that desire and pull toward emotionally unavailable men.
That charge of attraction to unavailable men will start to fade and you can move on to a whole different kind of man— an available man who’s interested in having the kind of relationship that you want to be in.
Hopefully, that gave you some clarity.
If this is the situation you’re finding yourself in right now, I’ve been there myself. I know how painful this can be. It’s my mission to help you turn this around if this is something you’re going through right now.
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