“Can you have a successful relationship with an emotionally unavailable man?”
“Why do they do a push-pull?”
It is possible to have a relationship with an emotionally unavailable person. It gets a little bit tricky.
First of all, if you’re going to get an emotionally unavailable man to want to commit to you, they have to see you as the embodiment of their ideal person, their ideal woman.
And this involves you being on your game all the time to be a perfect woman, to be whatever that concept of a perfect woman is to him.
So you have to be like really, really, really on it and you also have to really demonstrate to him that committing to you is more beneficial to him than being single.
This can be done in lots of different ways.
But basically, it should mean that, “Hey, the more time I spend with you, the better your life gets.”
Again, this can take form in many different ways depending on the individual person, depending on their wants and desires and all that stuff.
Typically, this is going to be a lot of work. This may involve you having to pretend to be someone or something other than what you are. For most people, this is probably not worth the effort.
Emotionally unavailable people can also go on to have a relationship with you if they start to work through their own issues of emotional unavailability. If they start to realize that, “OK, the pursuit of perfection, the pursuit of an ideal is not working for me.”
They can start to take a sobering look at their own actions, their own behaviors, their own strategies and start to work through their issues of emotional unavailability.
Now, again, this is not something that you are responsible for. You are responsible for yourself and sure, people do change all the time.
People absolutely can change, but they’re not necessarily going to change unless they want to. And they’re not going to change on your timeframe, right?
So if you hope to get married at some point in the next couple of years, that’s great but that may not be within an emotionally unavailable man’s agenda.
That may not be within his agenda of working through his emotional unavailability, right?
You might end up having to wait 10, 15, 20, 30 years for him to finally say:
“Oh, I got it. I’ve been in love with an ideal. I’ve been too obsessed, too hung up on perfection and I need to actually be with real people, who, of course, are imperfect in their own idiosyncratic ways.”
And if you’re not OK with waiting indefinitely, then you need to accept that he’s an emotionally unavailable person and you are most likely better off letting him go so you can create the space in your life for somebody who is emotionally available to step in and to have a relationship with.
If you’re involved with an emotionally unavailable person, the odds are extremely high that there is some degree of emotional unavailability happening with you as well too.
There a certain point where you’re trying to gain validation from this person, gain reassurance from getting this person to say:
“My issues with my father about being loved (or something like that) are not true.”
Or are you using him as a means to an end to work through your own limiting beliefs, insecurities, childhood issues, things of that nature?
If there is, then that could be some form of emotional unavailability within you too and you’re probably much better off to work through those issues on your own rather than trying to get someone else to fulfill some sort of unconscious need within you.
And I know that that’s not the fun answer to stop dating and to work through your issues so that you can start to automatically draw the right sort of person to you.
In the long run, that’s going to do you a whole lot more good than trying to force somebody to be something or someone other than who they are.
Because again, an emotionally unavailable man can change, especially if they’re just temporarily emotionally unavailable due to circumstances such as a breakup, such as in intense school programs or something like that and those come to an end at some point.
But at the end of the day, you have to accept them as they are. You have to accept that how you found them is how they are likely to stay.
If you do not want to be in a relationship with them as they are right now, then I would recommend that you stop dating them and create the space in your life for somebody that you can accept as they are right now, emotional unavailability or availability and all.
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