Is Your Addiction To Dating Drama Preventing You From Finding Real Love?


dating drama, man ignoring me, hot and cold man

Do you continually attract the same person again and again?

I went through a good, solid three year period where I seemed to attract the same guy, let’s call him Mr. Hot or Mr. H for short.

Mr. H was always charming, rakish, sometimes he called, sometimes he didn’t. The big similarity was always an exciting, short term relationship where he became unreliable in equal measure to how high I got my hopes up. I was always confused about why this pattern happened, so after each failed romance, I would try to look for widely different types of guys to date.

I met Mr. Hs who were artists, military men, members of academia, engineers, lawyers, guys who worked at the local coffeehouse. I was trying and seriously failing to get a different dating pattern into my life, but time and again these mini relationships would follow a predictable pattern even though the men varied.

Like clockwork, the newest Mr. H would arrive on the scene, say and do a lot of flattering things which got get me hooked right before he became maddeningly unreliable. Mr. H should have had hot and cold tattooed on his forehead. Our pairings were super exciting, filled with lots of roller coaster peaks and depressing calls to girlfriends where I rambled on and on, trying to get to the bottom of why yet another guy had pulled away.

This pattern continued like clockwork until one day I realized something that hit me like a ton of bricks.

I was addicted to the drama. I was allowing Mr. H to wreak havoc because I had bought into Hollywood’s concept of relationships where romance involves a lot of pain right there alongside the pleasure.

No one would show up to the theater to watch the happy couple be happy, day in and day out. Thus, the introduction of on-and-off relationship conflict. For example, our hero is “conflicted” and finally realizes that the heroine REALLY IS the one for him while she goes through a lot of drama. Once the realization that she was “the one” all along hits our hero like a lightning bolt, they ride off into the sunset together. But not before a heap of conflict.

This pattern looks romantic on the surface but it actually involves a lot of hot and cold, unreliable behavior that is allowed to continue. This is how I thought that relationships were supposed to work. Hence, this pattern was not only acceptable but a normal part of my dating life. I figured that eventually the right Mr. H would arrive, do his conflicted back and forth dance and finally realize I was the one. This is not how one fosters a healthy relationship.

Since this pattern is actually painful, why do people continue to allow it?

There is a term in psychology called intermittent reinforcement that helps explain why the hot and cold pattern is like catnip.

Intermittent reinforcement comes from B.F. Skinner’s work on conditioning. Skinner found that when he provided reinforcement to animals only some of the time, with no recognizable schedule, this was the best way to get them to continue the behavior.

To explain it in more real world terms, intermittent reinforcement is why people play the slots at the casino. They are rewarded for playing only some of the time, but they continue to play in HOPES that they will be rewarded. Rewards come randomly, but they come often enough to keep us sitting there, feeding the slot machine in hopes of a big payoff.

In a relationship with Mr. H, when he’s great, he’s really great. So much so that we think, “well, maybe next time” and hope that things improve. If he pulled out all of the romantic stops and everything was absolutely amazing last night, the next morning we are a lot more forgiving if he’s hard to get ahold of or if we sense something is off. When there is no discernible pattern of good behavior, we both continue to give him the benefit of the doubt AND want to see where the path leads.

Before we know it, we’re totally hooked. Then we call our girlfriends wondering what it was that we did to make him disappear, without considering that our real part is being hooked on excitement and addicted to crumbs.

In order to break this pattern it is then 100% necessary to reprogram ourselves to respond to consistent love and attention. Especially if you’ve heard yourself say “I only attract jerks” and feel like you always end up in these dramatic, go-nowhere relationships.

It’s time to detox from the drama and embrace a healthy experience of love. Only then we can finally say goodbye to Mr. H for good.

Do you keep getting excited about new relationships only to have guys pull away from you?

Do you wish he was more attentive, loving and caring?

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Elizabeth Stone

About Elizabeth Stone

Elizabeth Stone is a bestselling author, head love coach and founder of Attract The One and Luxe Self.

Through her coaching, writing and online programs she has helped thousands of women reunite with their men and create amazing, soul-level connections. She is thrilled to have helped so many couples reignite the spark in their relationships.

Tirelessly focused on helping people improve their love lives, her work has gone viral on Your Tango and Thought Catalog as well as been featured on EHarmony, Zoosk, Popsugar, The Good Men Project, Tiny Buddha, Bustle, Fox News Magazine, Ravishly, She Knows, Mind’s Journal, Read Unwritten, Madame Noire, Digital Romance Inc. and many more.

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