Toxic relationships come in various shapes and sizes, but the end result is that they drag you down instead of building you up.
Toxic doesn’t always mean evil or abusive, but lots of things I’m going to share are indeed evil and abusive.
It could be that you get along like oil and water or that the other person is truly not a nice person.
Either way, here are 18 signs your relationship is toxic and changes need to be made immediately.
1. There is physical abuse
Physical abuse is any intentional act of force that harm’s another person’s body.
It doesn’t matter who in the relationship is doing the intentional acts of force.
It doesn’t matter if it has only happened once.
It is still physical abuse.
2. They don’t respect your sexual boundaries
You have a right to say no to any intimate contact you don’t want.
Your sexual boundaries are yours whether or not you are in a committed relationship with the other person.
Relationships can bring up a lot of people’s hidden ideas about what is expected and required from a partner in an intimate relationship.
Sexual abuse is defined as sexual contact obtained by force, threats or when a victim is unable to consent.
One of the most damaging and abusive is the idea that you are required to have intimacy if you are committed. Sometimes people will use this to justify sexually abusing their partner.
If there is not consent, it is sexual abuse.
3. Your partner controls your finances
Disagreeing from time to time about money is pretty normal. One person taking complete control over the money is a sign of a toxic relationship.
According to The U.S. Department of Health & Human Services, financial abuse is when one partner “takes control of the finances to prevent the other person from leaving and to maintain power in a relationship.”
4. They are critical, belittling or fault-finding with you. This includes mean “jokes” made at your expense
Nearly everyone says something stupid from time to time.
But if your partner makes a habit of criticizing or finding fault with you, this might be moving into emotional abuse territory.
Contempt, ridicule, mean jokes, and threats all fall under the umbrella of emotional abuse.
5. You are isolated from your friends and family
If your partner isolates you from your friends and family, this another form of emotional abuse.
Also, if your partner has to always be with you when you meet with your friends and family, this can be a more covert way of isolating you.
A good relationship will allow time for you to strengthen your relationships with friends and family, not exclude them.
6. Your partner is controlling
When someone is controlling, they want to have a say in what you do, where you go and who you spend your time with.
They might even try to get you to wear different clothing or change jobs. This is a red flag of abuse.
If things aren’t done their way, it creates a serious problem for you.
7. The silent treatment is used regularly
According to research by Dr. Gottman, turning away from bids for connection is one of the most damaging things you can do in a relationship.
When we combine turning away from a partner’s bids for connection with conflict, we get the silent treatment.
The silent treatment is abusive.
According to Lisa Aronson Fontes Ph.D. at Psychology Today, “many abuse survivors say they hated the silent treatment more than the insults or yelling.”
8. You feel defensive, like you’re walking on eggshells to prevent a blowup
You have stopped expressing yourself authentically so you don’t set them off.
Avoiding a fight has taken priority over being yourself. You are afraid to be who you truly are because it might cause a problem, so instead you shrink to try to please them.
9. You think that if you were different somehow that things would improve
You suspect that if you could magically change into what your partner really wanted, then you could finally have a good relationship.
The problem is you aren’t exactly sure how you should be different because your partner moves the goal posts.
One day they seem satisfied with you and the next they are not.
You aren’t sure how to consistently satisfy or please them for very long.
10. Your friends and family have tried to talk you out of continuing the relationship
Sometimes things just happen with our friends and family.
Someone gets a bad impression of our mate or they get off on the wrong foot. While frustrating, this is relatively normal.
However, this is different than having your friends and family try to sit you down and talk you out of being in the relationship because they are concerned about you.
11. The relationship has hijacked you instead of adding to your life
One big sign your relationship is toxic is that you don’t like the person who you are becoming with them.
Our partners are the single most powerful influence on us.
When you are in a good relationship, this is a wonderful thing. You grow together, challenge each other to meet goals and generally provide a ton of support. You are a team.
If this is not happening for you or your partner is discouraging and negative about you, it’s time to look at where the problem lies.
Have you lost your mojo lately? Or are you struggling to fulfill your goals and create the life you want with this person?
12. Even though you agreed to be monogamous, one or both of you are consistently unfaithful
Cheating is betrayal. It is a violation of the agreement a couple sets as a feature of a monogamous relationship.
If this is happening regularly without some sort of resolution or agreement to open the relationship, it is toxic.
13. One or both of you is having an emotional affair
Emotional affairs can be slippery and hard to define.
According to Robert Taibbi L.C.S.W. at Psychology Today, red flags for an emotional affair include secrecy, anticipation, sharing intimate information that you wouldn’t share with your partner, getting an intimate response back, and doing it even though you know it would bother your partner if they knew.
Another way I define emotional infidelity is sharing intimate details about your relationship with a third party that you know they would prefer you not share.
14. You spend more time having arguments and problems than enjoying each other’s company
It’s normal for couples to disagree and argue every so often. You aren’t always going to agree with everything your partner does.
However, if you are spending more time arguing than you are enjoying each other’s company, it’s unlikely to stay stable in the long run.
Research by Dr. John Gottman suggests that a relationship is destabilized by any more than 1 negative interaction per 5 positive interactions.
15. Household tasks are divided up very unfairly
Modern life involves lots of things we’d probably prefer not to do, like chores, childcare and home maintenance.
How you divide up shared tasks in your life together is highly individual. No one teaches a ‘how to negotiate with your spouse about the 2,342 chores to be done’ course in school.
There is no “right” way to divide up household labor.
That’s why if one of you is doing the vast majority of labor around your home and the other person isn’t taking responsibility, it’s a serious problem.
16. Your partner acts like the main character in the relationship
Putting someone else first from time to time is part of being in a good relationship.
If your partner always has to be the center of attention, this means you will have to take a backseat.
This can also look like them consistently framing themself as the victim and blaming you in all of your disagreements.
17. You are only staying for the kids or another reason besides wanting to be with your partner
You aren’t doing your kids any favors by staying only for them. Kids notice everything.
Do you really want your kids to spend their childhood knowing their parents are miserable?
Settling in a relationship like this is a waste of your precious life. None of us know how much time we have left.
There are lots of potential partners out there who might be a good fit for you.
18. You’ve checked out and ignore problems to cope
The term walkaway wife syndrome was coined by Michelle Weiner-Davis, MSW to describe a wife who knows she’s done but bides her time until her kids are grown before leaving.
Her decision to leave was made years earlier, so she checks out and does what she needs to do to get through the time. She stops nagging, arguing and trying to create meaningful change in the relationship.
To her partner, this time is peaceful and seems like things are going just fine. This doesn’t just apply to wives– a husband can do the same thing.
So, if you’re seeing these signs your relationship is toxic, what should you do?
What to do when you think your relationship is toxic
If your relationship is abusive, I strongly urge you to leave.
Abusive relationships don’t tend to improve without a ton of work and professional help. There is an element of control that just does not get better on it’s own.
That leaves the remaining problems, most of which center around “losing oneself” in a relationship.
Also, it’s possible that over time the relationship has become centered around solving problems instead of enjoying life together.
These problems are still serious, but there is hope to save things between you, if you want that.
Here are five things you can do to make things better.
Decide whether it’s worth it
Only you can say for sure whether it’s worth it to try and save your relationship or break up and call it a day.
In the case of physical, emotional, financial or sexual abuse, it is rare that this will change significantly over time if you choose to stay in an abusive relationship. Your life is at risk.
Speak up
If you haven’t told them the extent of what’s going on with you, now is the time to sit them down and have a compassionate conversation about your shared future.
Lots of people try to bring up other issues while they are arguing but this usually just escalates the argument.
Instead, try to have a candid, honest conversation about your relationship when everyone is calm. Especially if you are considering leaving.
If this is impossible, this leads me to my next point.
Get counseling.
A professional can help you handle disagreements better and smooth out your communication. They can also get you and your partner talking to each other again.
If your partner refuses to go to counseling, then go yourself.
A professional can provide you with impartial insight into your situation. They can also help you regain your voice, if you’ve checked out or feel hopeless about making changes.
Try to put yourself in their shoes
One big reason for misunderstandings is that one or both people in the relationship don’t make an effort to truly see things the way the other person does.
Without empathy, disagreements can quickly turn into extended exercises in the blame game.
Try to see their side of things and empathize with them. Look for your part in disagreements.
Do something regularly that lights you up
This tip is good if you feel lost in your relationship.
Creative pursuits, seeing your friends and family, sports and hobbies are all ways to get your mojo back.
Sacrifice is so common that often we wake up and realize that we feel like shadows of our former selves.
The upside is that you can change this problem by making sure that you’re doing things to nurture yourself.
