Does every guy you date seem to disappear in the first month or two?
Do you get a speech about how “you’re great” but he just doesn’t want to keep dating you?
Or maybe you keep getting friend zoned.
Over the decade that I’ve worked as a dating and relationship coach, I’ve noticed some really common things that turn men off and drive them away.
And, if this is happening to you, I know how first hand how frustrating and painful it can be.
This happened to me too until I took a hard look at my own behavior and realized (to my horror) that I was doing some of the turn offs I’m about to share with you today.
Here are12 turn offs that drive men away and destroy any hope of building a good relationship.
1. Committing and/or declaring your love too quickly.
Even if you can truly see a future with him, you look like a creeper when you share this with him in the first few dates.
Keep dating other people if you have to. But no matter what you do, always avoid dramatic statements of love and commitment too early in the relationship.
Going too fast can be overwhelming and tends to scare people off even when they seem to be the one initiating it.
He might really like you, but moving too fast can come off like you are either not emotionally balanced or you want a relationship to fill a void in your life.
Plus, you don’t really know anyone after only knowing them a short time. Everyone is still on their best behavior in the beginning of a new relationship.
Even if might be falling in love and want to build a future with someone, I’ve never heard about anyone regretting taking the time to really get to know them before making a commitment.
Feel all those happy, excited feelings and then wait and see how it goes.
2. Clinging to him like static electricity.
While spending every waking moment together is fun at first, it will get old.
All good, healthy relationships have at least a some space in them.
Otherwise people lose themselves in the relationship and that really puts a strain on things.
You should be able to miss each other and take turns being the one to initiate contact because you both want to.
When you act clingy, it makes spending time together seem more like an obligation than a fun, exciting bonding activity.
That’s why, even if you are falling in love with him, make sure you keep your friends, hobbies and interests alive.
3. Over-communicating with him.
“Hihihihihi”
“What are you doing?”
“How about now?”
“And now? I just thought I would share what I’m having for lunch.”
“I sneezed and thought of you!”
I’m exaggerating, but nowadays the world is way more connected than ever before.
People have gone from being willing to wait a few days for a response to getting upset if they don’t hear back from someone within minutes.
And, sometimes we blow past all reasonable boundaries when we’re excited about a new relationship.
While it may initially seem cute to him that you’re contacting him a lot, it won’t be long before he’ll begin to start seeing you as insecure and clingy.
This is why it’s really important to sure you take turns initiating contact. If you don’t hear back after reaching out, give him the time to respond on his own.
If he has the potential to be in your life for a long time, you want him to make an effort to do his part in your relationship.
This can’t happen if you are the one who is always reaching out.
4. Nagging.
It’s pretty much never a good time to start reminding him about all the things he either has not done yet or is doing wrong. It doesn’t really matter what they are.
He might change what he’s doing in the short term, but over time this is incredibly damaging to your relationship.
The hardest part about changing nagging behavior is that for you to nag in the first place, you have to think you are right about whatever you are reminding him about.
And since you are the one pointing it out, this puts him in the wrong. Whether you intend this or not, that is the message nagging delivers.
You will not get a closer, more connected relationship by reminding someone of how they are failing or not doing enough, so make your conversations count and learn to let things go.
5. Frequent emotional outbursts.
I’ve never heard of anyone who has never lost their composure and flipped out.
It happens to everyone.
However, freaking out (and acting it out on him) is never good for your relationship.
There is always a better way to handle a situation than venting your negative emotions in someone else’s direction.
If you’re prone to reacting emotionally, it might be time to seek counseling, work with a professional coach and/or do whatever you can to figure out how to display your feelings more calmly.
Doing this work on yourself will pay off in the long run. Outbursts tend to drive people away, so you will get the benefit of closer, more connected relationships.
6. Expecting him to pay for everything.
I’m definitely a fan of courtship.
However, it’s important to remember that even if you can’t afford to treat him all the time, reciprocating shows you care about him.
Expecting him to cover everything, all the time is more than a little one-sided and mean.
It can also make him think you’re just hanging out with him for free dinner.
There are other ways to reciprocate his generosity if you can’t afford to pay the check— for example, you might make him a home-cooked meal, arrange a date or create little thoughtful surprises for him.
A high value man will want a relationship where you both make an effort and give, not one where he’s basically paying for your company.
7. Acting entitled to the majority of his time and energy.
Don’t act like you automatically own his weekends, access to his wallet or anything else.
Good men usually love to give to their partners and your happiness is really high on their priority list.
However, it is a giant turnoff when you expect that you will automatically be his highest priority.
It is healthy for both of you to have time and space to pursue your individual hobbies and interests separately.
When both of you have a life outside the relationship, you stay interesting because there is something to talk about when you do come together.
When you expect him to spend all of his time and energy on you, he will want space eventually. If not now, then at some point.
And, it will strain your relationship if you don’t back off and give him some time to recharge.
8. Habitually being rude to others.
Have you ever heard that phrase, “anyone who is nice to you, but not nice to their server is not a nice person?” So has he.
I realize that telling you NOT to be a jerk if you’re really a jerk probably isn’t going to create meaningful change in the world.
But if you know you have an edge, I want to bring awareness that it might be a reason why you’re having trouble maintaining a relationship.
Usually people who are habitually rude are unhappy. If you’re unhappy, then maybe it’s time to look into solving that for yourself.
9. Expecting him to automatically accommodate your high maintenance behavior.
Deep down, being truly high maintenance is not about how much time and effort you put into your appearance, but that can definitely play into it.
It can be not leaving the house without looking perfect. It can be wanting that perfect, specific food item every single time.
Being high maintenance is a sneaky way entitlement and expectations play themself out in the wild.
He shouldn’t be required to suffer because you have to have the right brand of coffee otherwise your day starts off rotten.
This is not about dulling your shine or putting you down. It’s about how much time and effort the relationship requires from him.
No one wants to feel like their time is disrespected or you can’t go for a spontaneous walk because you wore “the shoes.”
It’s okay to have your preferences. It’s a turnoff when you expect him to fund and work to accommodate them.
10. Regularly disrespecting him.
When I have worked with men one-on-one in coaching, I have come to realize that continually disrespecting a man is the quickest way to make him fall out of love with you.
Men are incredibly sensitive to disrespect. In fact, respect can be more important than love to a man.
When the person they are with trusts they will follow through and treats them with respect, it makes it easier for them to relax and put in effort in the relationship.
Men want relationships where they are on the same team as their partner.
When you make rude comments at his expense, expect he will screw up and emasculate him, you will eventually turn him off and risk losing him.
Remember that you don’t have to compete with the men in your life– especially ones you love.
11. Making negative assumptions about him.
There are a ton of things to make assumptions about when you meet someone new, and the vast majority are a bad idea.
Assuming that he’s on the same page as you, automatically thinking he’s “up to something” or wondering if he’s already pulling away are all problematic.
When in doubt, wait and see or have a gentle conversation about it.
12. Predicting that “it’s over” which then creates a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Maybe he doesn’t call at the exact time he says he will.
Maybe things seem “off” between you somehow.
Maybe you had an argument and things are still a little tense.
One of the quickest ways to drive a man further away is to get in your head about a man’s distance and start worrying he’s going to leave you.
And, I get it. When a man pulls away from you, it does not feel good when you start worrying about it.
That’s why he can seem fine when you are freaking out. He might not think there is a problem, or he might be trying to give you time to cool off.
That’s why time, space and perspective are really helpful.
There is a difference between feeling your emotions about having a problem in your relationship and expecting him to fix your feelings by coming closer to you.
Expecting him to fix your emotions through his behavior will drive him away because no one can actually fix your feelings.
