Last week I answered a really difficult coaching email from one of my clients.
He asked me, “is my marriage worth saving?” He and his wife were married for six years and they had a child together, but things had been sour in their marriage for over a year and a half.
This client told me that they were on the brink of a divorce.
He said that they tried everything as well already. He said you know we’ve tried stuff like marriage counseling, couples retreats, even team-building exercises.
He had just signed up for my online coaching program and I’ll be working with him closely over the next couple of months.
But at this point, this client is broken and almost ready to give up.
Maybe this situation sounds familiar to you as well.
The question is of course, is your marriage worth saving and should you and your partner just give up?
I’m going to do my very best to answer that difficult question today.
My name is Brad Browning. I’m a marriage expert from Vancouver, Canada.
I’m widely regarded as one of the premier relationship and marriage coaches on the internet. I’ve helped thousands and thousands of people mend their broken relationships and fix their troubled marriages.
Let’s move on to the topic of whether you should save your marriage.
I mean it’s completely true that there are many, many benefits to staying married.
Research has proven that married people are generally happier, they’re more successful and they’re even healthier than non-married people. It’s much easier raising children when two partners are committed to the marriage.
Some marriages are so toxic that the only way to stop the bleeding is just to call it quits.
In some very rare cases I do recommend ending a marriage if things truly seem unsalvageable.
However, in most cases the marriage can be saved. I’m going to go over some of the ways that you can improve your situation.
If you are seriously considering calling it quits on your marriage, then there’s a few questions that you need to answer before moving forward.
As I go along, I recommend you take a piece of paper and just write down a few notes.
It might help you make a list of the pros and cons of whatever decision you make down the road, and it’s going to help you keep track of things that you may need to work on if you do decide that your marriage is worth saving.
Keep in mind that the following issues can be fixed with enough time and effort.
Again, I strongly believe that the vast majority of marriages can be saved with the proper action, so this list is going to encourage you to exhaust all of your possible options before you decide to call it quits and get a divorce.
1. Are you and your spouse still friends?
Being in a marriage is like being on a team.
In all my clients cases one of my main objectives is to help both spouses create a ‘we’ mentality as opposed to a ‘me’ mentality.
One of the best ways to cultivate that mentality is by building an incredibly strong friendship.
Building a strong marriage can be about romance, yes of course, but without the feeling of camaraderie and support, a marriage is doomed.
At the end of the day, you need to ask yourself if you’re willing to support your spouse no matter what.
If they’re having a bad day at work, do you try and cheer your spouse up?
On the flip side, does he or she provide you with the support when things aren’t going your way?
Do you still share laughs together? Do you still have fun from time to time?
Right now these sorts of questions can be really difficult to answer, especially if your marriage is hanging by a thread. Try and think about the last time you and your spouse shared a friendly interaction with one another.
If it’s been months or years since you’ve treated each other well then chances of getting out of that hole might be more trouble than it’s actually worth.
2. Do you still have chemistry?
Of course it’s normal for chemistry to wane over time. It’s unlikely that a couple will be having intimacy every single day for 20 years of marriage, so you do need to set reasonable expectations in this regard.
In some cases, it’s normal that some couples only have sex once a month or even less, and that’s fine as well as long as both parties are happy.
There is no magical number when it comes to how much sex you and your spouse should be having sex because every marriage is different, but you do need to be honest with yourself and ask whether you’re happy with the level of intimacy that your marriage is bringing you.
Do you wish that your spouse cuddled more?
Do you wish that you kissed each other more often?
Do you want sex much, much more often than your spouse or vice versa?
Again, these questions are difficult to answer if your marriage is not going well.
If you and your partner are constantly mismatched when it comes to your sex life and it’s driving you crazy, then you have to consider this fact in addressing your situation.
3. Do you still feel comfortable with your spouse?
Studies about successful marriages have shown that the number one reason and the number two reason why happily married couples stay together is because of two things; kindness and generosity.
These traits are very important when creating a comfortable environment for you and your spouse. Nobody wants to be constantly stressed, angry, frustrated or on the edge all the time when they’re around their spouse.
These sorts of characteristics are often leading indicators of why marriages fall apart. Consider how you feel when you and your spouse are together in the same room.
Do you feel like you’re walking on eggshells all the time? Are you scared of interacting with your spouse out of fear that he or she is going to lash out at you? Do you fear you’ll lash out at your spouse?
If you’re not comfortable with your spouse anymore and if it’s been a while since you’ve felt that sort of comfort, then that could be a strong indicator that you and your spouse just aren’t meant to be.
Again, like I said at the beginning, an issue like this can be fixed.
For example, in my Mend the Marriage online program I share little psychological tips and tricks that you can employ right now to help you and your spouse create a more comfortable, caring marriage.
These little tricks are things that you can do on your own without your spouse’s help right now. So if you’re interested in learning more about some of those tips and tricks, then I encourage you to head over to my website and watch the free video presentation I’ve got up there.
In the free video I’ll share with you the top three psychological strategies that are going to help you rebuild your broken relationship from the ground-up. You’ll be able to do it on your own without your spouse’s help at all. So again, head over there right after you finish reading.
4. Do you have shared interests and hobbies?
The fourth question to ask when you’re wondering “is my marriage worth saving?” is, do you still share hobbies with your spouse?
Of course, people change over time. When two people in a marriage change, it can put a tremendous amount of strain on that relationship.
For example, a few months ago I coached a married couple that was going through what I call a ‘habitual crisis.’
For whatever reason their interests drifted apart further and further until the point where they couldn’t find anything in common. In this particular case she liked to go hiking every weekend but he only wanted to watch sports on TV and watch Netflix.
Neither party was really willing to compromise either which of course only made matters worse.
Thankfully, I was able to help them work through their differences and save the marriage, but if you strongly believe that you can’t find any mutual interests with your partner, then maybe continuing in the marriage isn’t the best option.
5. Have you tried everything to save your marriage?
The final and most important question that you need to answer is, have you tried everything to save your marriage?
Marriage counseling can help. A good marriage counsellor has the ability to fix all the problems I’ve listed above. Marriage counseling is of course, very expensive.
In fact, some marriage counsellors charge hundreds of dollars for just one appointment. This alone makes marriage counseling a difficult option to consider for a lot of people.
Not only that, but you have to convince your spouse to attend the counseling. Some of you out there at this point in your marriage may not be able to do that or you may be beyond that point already.
There is another option. You could invest in my Mend the Marriage program today.
Mend the Marriage is an online course designed to help ailing couples work through their marital issues and build a new marriage that’s infused with more passion, a better connection and more romance then there ever has been in the past.
It’s something that I’ve been working on like a madman for the past few years. I’m proud to say that it’s already helped thousands of couples in situations like yours.
Better yet, you’re not going to have to drop hundreds of dollars to start the program. You can start right now, even if it’s 2:00am and you’re in your pajamas.
For more information on how you can start my Mend the Marriage program, please visit my website. You’ll learn a little bit more on that page about what my Mend the Marriage course has to offer.
Alternatively, you can invest in my personal coaching program where you can work with me one-on-one and I will help walk you through the situation via email.
If you think that you’re in a really tough spot in your marriage then head over to my website and learn a bit more about my coaching program and how you can hire me as your personal marriage expert.
When you sign up it’s like having a marriage counsellor at your fingertips for a fraction of the price.
Now, what I’ve covered so far are some situations and issues that can be fixed.
There are some scenarios where saving your marriage might not be a good idea at all.
The following might sound like it’s common sense to some people, but I can assure you it is not.
The first situation where divorce is necessary is when physical abuse is involved.
I knew a woman, let’s call her Taylor, that suffered domestic abuse for over two years. Every weekend her husband would come home drunk and beat her. Sometimes it was so severe that she had to be rushed to the hospital and lie about how she “hurt herself.”
I told Taylor that she was in one of the worst marriages that I’ve ever seen and told her to immediately file for a divorce and a restraining order and get some help.
It surprisingly took me over a month to convince her to take action but thankfully she was able to escape from her awful husband and that awful life that she had with him.
If Taylor’s situation sounds a lot like your situation then you need to leave your marriage. You need to call it quits right now and leave the abusive situation immediately.
It’s never worth trying to save or salvage such a destructive marriage.
The second situation where divorce is absolutely necessary is when sexual abuse is involved.
This is similar to physical abuse. If you’re in a marriage where sexual abuse is involved it’s a pretty clear indicator that the marriage needs to end now.
No ifs, ands or buts, just end the relationship as soon as you possibly can.
Finally, I strongly believe that situations in which serial infidelity or cheating is an issue are also grounds for immediate divorce.
I’ve seen couples go through marriages in which one partner has cheated over 40 times, and yet somehow they manage to stay together.
If you’re in a marriage where affairs and infidelity are constant, then it’s time to re-examine why you’re in the marriage in the first place and if necessary take the appropriate actions to end the marriage.
I hope I answered at least a few of your questions today, however if you’re still stumped and asking, “is my marriage worth saving,” I’ve developed a free presentation that I mentioned earlier that will help you figure out if your marriage can be saved or not.
Head over to my website and watch the video presentation now.
