Usually women don’t even realize they’re doing it, but as a once-great relationship wears on, it becomes painfully obvious that the woman has gone from sexy love magnet to treating her partner like he’s 5.
To men, mothering by a romantic partner is emasculating and represents a loss of respect.
When you’re treating a man like a child, this doesn’t demonstrate that you value his contributions or have respect for him.
Unfortunately falling into this trap is all too common. I mothered my ex husband right out of our marriage.
That’s why, if you see yourself in what I’m going to share, I know how icky it feels and that it’s possible to break this habit.
Here are signs you are mothering a man and how to stop before you either burn out or drive him away.
1. You assume he won’t “get it right.”
Before he even starts handling something, you’re already thinking of ways that he won’t do it right.
Since you have seen him struggle and make mistakes in the past, you think it’s easier if you just step in before he gets involved to avoid problems.
2. You make decisions for him.
You frequently try to make decisions for him, from what he eats to the clothes he wears each day.
You worry that without your guidance he might not make the best choices. You think that if you don’t step in, he might overlook important details or make choices that will lead to bigger problems down the line.
Your intentions are good since this comes from a place of love and concern, but you also feel anxious and responsible for his every move.
3. You manage his responsibilities.
You take over tasks that he is perfectly capable of handling himself, such as managing his money, appointments, laundry, cooking and even communicating for him in social situations.
Maybe it started with a few things like scheduling a few appointments and making sure his bills were paid, but over time it’s spread to most areas of his life.
He seems fine with letting you look after him. He’s stopped picking up after himself and seems to expect that certain things will be done for him.
You try to manage his responsibilities because you think it’s the only way to make sure everything gets done right and on time. You’re afraid that if you don’t handle these things, something will go wrong and it will affect your lives in a bad way.
You might even have evidence that things don’t always go well when he handles things, which has made you do even more.
4. You treat him like a child.
You have a tendency to guide him on basic tasks and speak to him in ways that would be more normal for a child. You doubt his ability to handle difficult situations and step in to help.
You do this because you think it will stop him from making mistakes that could be avoided if he just paid more attention or thought things through like you do.
5. You correct or direct his behavior regularly.
You correct the way he speaks, behaves, dresses or interacts with others, as if you are guiding a child on how to act in social settings.
You often find yourself explaining right way to do basic things.
You think that these changes will help him make a better impression with people so he can succeed at work and in your social life. You worry how others perceive him– and by extension, both of you as a couple.
6. You provide lots of unsolicited advice.
Providing unsolicited advice about anything that he hasn’t specifically asked your opinion on comes off as disrespectful and intrusive.
When you give him unsolicited advice, you’re giving him the underlying message that you think he can’t handle it without your help.
This is emasculating. Just like when his Mom second-guessed his decisions.
That’s why, unless he specifically asks or it’s an urgent personal safety matter, keep your opinions and advice to yourself unless he asks.
Even if really do you KNOW you’re smarter and are convinced you could make it easier or do it better.
7. You nag and remind him often.
Nagging demonstrates clearly that you don’t expect him to remember or follow through on his word.
Being “nagged to death” is a common reason for breakups because of the issue with respect underneath.
If you feel like you can’t get anything done if you don’t constantly nag him, it’s time to sit down together and have a discussion about your feelings regarding shared responsibilities.
8. You lack boundaries.
You consistently overstep healthy adult boundaries in your relationship. You try to take on his responsibilities and solve problems he is capable of handling himself.
You have trouble allowing him to face natural consequences of his actions. You often step in too quickly to protect him from making mistakes.
9. You are controlling.
Since you think you know the best way to handle most things and he will make a mistake, you have become very particular about the way things are done.
As a side effect, when you have become controlling in how you manage your daily lives, this is a sign you are mothering a man.
MORE: How To Stop Being A Control Freak In Your Relationship
10. You get in the way of his friends and hobbies.
You interfere with his friends and hobbies because you see it as your duty to manage how he spends his time to ensure it’s beneficial and productive.
You worry that his time off might distract him from more important things or that some of his friendships might not be good for him or your relationship.
11. You feel indispensable.
Believing that he can’t manage his life without your input or help is a sign you are mothering a man.
You handle so many of his daily activities, tasks and decisions that you wonder how he would even function without you.
Because you have taken over so many responsibilities, he has started to lose track of the basic parts of his schedule so this plays into the idea that he can’t manage without you.
You feel so essential that you doubt you would be unable to step back without his life completely falling apart. Over time, he has started to expect you to take care of everything so he seems more and more helpless.
12. You sacrifice your self-care.
You consistently put his needs before your own, to the detriment of your own well-being.
Whether it’s skipping your morning workout to make him breakfast or canceling your night out to help him with his projects, you put his life above your own.
Since you have been taking on a caretaking role, it is rare that you simply feel like a romantic partner. You have lost yourself in the relationship and it’s taking a toll on you.
MORE: 26 Painful Signs You Have Lost Yourself In Your Relationship And What To Do Now
13. He seems very indecisive.
In the past, maybe he used to make plans for you both and assert himself in your relationship more often.
Now, it seems like he asks for your opinion on everything and you feel like you’re holding the controls to the relationship.
This dynamic usually occurs over time when one partner regularly second guesses the other person’s decisions.
It’s not that he has suddenly become unable to make a decision, it’s that he has learned that you are unlikely to be happy with what he chooses on his own.
So instead of risking an argument, he asks your opinion before doing anything.
14. He no longer bothers to challenge or negotiate with you.
If he disagrees with something you said, he has stopped telling you about it.
He “goes along to get along” because he has started to feel like the consequences of disagreeing just aren’t worth it.
He pays lip service to “agreeing” with you while emotionally checking out.
15. He has started working much longer hours.
This is a sign you are mothering him because usually people will gravitate toward places they feel good.
If he gets respect and ego satisfaction from work and not at home, he’ll spend more time there and not as much with you.
If he’s in a job that simply demands long hours, remember that it’s more important to pay attention to changes in his routine rather than assuming there is a problem when nothing has changed.
16. The spark has gone out in the bedroom.
Since you have taken on a mothering role in your relationship, you have been having trouble feeling as passionate and engaged with each other.
Managing every move has changed how you see him. He looks at you more as a caretaker, so he doesn’t initiate as much as he used to.
To get the spark back, you may have to pull back from managing his life in other ways.
17. He has stopped doing romantic things for you.
When he has gotten the idea that you don’t respect his efforts because you’re usually swooping in to do everything, he will stop doing romantic things for you.
Often, men who are being mothered stop doing surprise things that delight the woman in their life out of sheer laziness or because they are afraid it will somehow be wrong or go unappreciated.
It feels pointless to do the little things because of negative reinforcement in the past.
18. You make jokes about having an extra kid.
I cringe whenever someone makes a joke like this at their partner’s expense.
Unfortunately, it’s popular to hold really negative views about men as a group and make these kinds of jokes.
The fact remains that making disrespectful jokes about a man being incompetent is highly emasculating.
Even if when you’re genuinely just kidding, love him and mean well.
On the surface it is light-hearted, but the underlying message is that you don’t respect his ability to take care of himself.
If you have truly partnered with a man who is so irresponsible that being with him is actually like having another child, then making snarky jokes at his expense isn’t going to change it.
If you see yourself in this, I offer one on one coaching to help you get the relationship and life you have always wanted.
Check out your coaching options here.
MORE: 17 Ways Women Emasculate Men Without Even Realizing It
