A reader struggles with the sinking suspicion that her husband has fallen out of love with her.
I need your help. Lately my husband has gotten really distant. He doesn’t come home right after work, he barely touches me, he doesn’t want sex. I keep trying to talk to him about our relationship but he doesn’t say anything that really makes any sense. He either doesn’t say anything or gives me one word answers. I get so frustrated and it really hurts. We’ve been really busy and I thought that might be the problem, so I tried to find out if he wants to schedule a weekend away together, just us— but he seemed like he didn’t care one way or another.
I guess, what I’m really asking you is, what are the signs my husband doesn’t love me anymore? I don’t feel right asking him directly, because if he still does love me, I don’t want to rock the boat. If he doesn’t love me, I don’t know what I’m going to do— but either way I don’t want to live like this anymore. What should I do?
First, I need to say, I’m so sorry you’re going through this.
Having your partner fall out of love with you is one of the most painful relationship experiences available, right next to hearing that your beloved wants a divorce or that they’re running off with your sister.
Before I get into the signs your husband has fallen out of love, I want to say that as long as you’re both still breathing, there is hope to save your marriage. Just because his love has gone dormant doesn’t mean it has to be gone for good.
Here are 10 depressing signs your husband doesn’t love you anymore:
- He doesn’t want to spend time with you or regularly chooses activities voluntarily that take him away from the home and your relationship.
- Your husband makes disrespectful comments that might seem little on the surface but really aren’t.
- He stops doing things for you or says he will but doesn’t follow through.
- Your partner discusses your relationship with other people negatively.
- He needs to “blow off a lot of steam” which doesn’t include coming home or seeing you.
- Your husband feels distant and your communication has gotten more and more limited.
- He no longer cares to fight with you.
- Your husband picks fights and then uses them as an excuse to storm out of the house, giving himself the opportunity to have more time alone.
- He’s gone “missing” for hours or even days at a time.
- He doesn’t want sex or intimacy.
If you’re seeing these signs your husband doesn’t love you, it doesn’t have to mean that your marriage is over or that your husband is permanently checked out.
That’s because romantic love waxes and wanes.
We’re brought up to believe that romantic love is a constant, and we nail it down with marriage.
Romantic love needs oxygen. It requires space and distance and a certain level of mystery and attraction to really thrive.
Marriage is decidedly NOT space, distance and mystery. It just isn’t set up that way.
By getting married, we put shackles on love. We change something that we did— love— because we wanted to, it was fun, into something that is a requirement.
Then we wonder why we’re sad, disillusioned and obsessed with the concept that our husband doesn’t love us anymore.
Maybe he doesn’t.
But, maybe the fact that you have both settled in and solidified your roles in your life together has simply taken the passion out of things between you.
Now, I’m not saying this to make you feel bad about what’s happening at home and I certainly don’t blame you.
It’s just that you have a choice.
If you’re seeing these signs your husband doesn’t love you, you might feel hopeless and terrified. However, you can create positive changes that transform your relationship and elevate it to a point where you can inspire your husband to fall back in love with you.
If he loved you once, he can love you again. But it’s not easy because if he’s gotten to the point where he’s fallen out of love with you, you’re going to have to approach this from all angles.
Here’s how to start bringing the love back into your marriage.
1. Go out of your way to show your husband more respect.
One of the most basic and common reasons that husbands fall out of love is that they stop feeling like their women respect them.
Respect to a man is relationship OXYGEN.
If you have been disrespecting him—even unintentionally— by mothering him, trying to make all of the decisions, emasculating him, criticizing his ideas or generally not treating him as though his input is valuable, stop.
Often we treat the cashier at Home Depot with more respect than the man we sleep next to every night. This has to stop right now.
2. Stop going on the defensive.
When we’re with someone for a long time, something little they say can ignite a powder keg of pent-up pain and resentment.
Starting right now, resolve to own your part and stop defending yourself from every perceived slight. Yes, even when he means it.
This is your lover. It’s time to put down your shield and suit of armor. Center yourself and choose to let more remarks slide without judgement. If he truly hurts your feelings, take the direct route and say, “that hurt my feelings” and wait for his response. We often assume the other person doesn’t care when they shut down because they are actually responding to the anger that they hear coming from us when we go on the defense. Defense is the first act of war.
When your marriage is already on the rocks, you won’t do either of you any favors by arguing more often. Practice letting more things go.
3. Make yourself happy.
You can’t have a happy relationship with anyone when you are miserable. It’s the old idea that you have to put on your own oxygen mask first before helping another person if the plane is crashing.
And, your ordinary life WILL CRASH if you don’t eventually nurture your own happiness. One of the best ways to do this is to start having fun, first with yourself and then with your husband.
The time and effort you put into making yourself happy pays off in dividends when it comes to your relationship, because the better you feel, the happier you’ll be. And the happier you are, the happier your marriage will become.
If your marriage shows signs your husband doesn’t love you, then you need to see this video presentation by Brad Browning.