There’s not much drama, no fighting. You’re married, you’ve been together for years and maybe you’ve even raised children together. The love is still there but the spark just isn’t. As months drift into years, you realize you’re in a sexless marriage.
My name is Brad Browning and I’m a relationship coach and marriage expert. Today I’m going to talk to you about how to revive sex and intimacy so that you and your spouse can finally inject some passion back into your marriage.
Believe or not, it’s common for the frequency of love making to wane over time and there can be many reasons for this.
Maybe the novelty has worn off or you and your spouse are busy with jobs, children and social lives leaving you little time and energy for intimacy.
Perhaps you’re not in the mood because you have poor body image or you’re experiencing other difficulties in your relationship. Your sex life maybe dwindling due to physiological factors, chronic illness, medication, depression or addictions.
The possibilities for why you’re in a sexless marriage really are endless.
Regardless of the reason for your sexless marriage, it’s important to understand that getting intimacy back into your relationship is important because it’s very rare to have a healthy marriage without it.
That said, sex can be a complicated thing. It’s beautiful, fun, special and feels good but it’s also tied up with self-esteem, emotions, intimacy, health and personal history. You might think of sex as a simple act but in reality it could be the sole source of tension in your relationship.
Unless both partners have a very low sex drive, a lack of passion, sex and intimacy can be a downfall for a marriage.
Unfortunately, it’s also quite easy to fall into a vicious cycle when it comes to sex. It’s hard to want to have it when you feel emotionally detached but it’s hard to feel emotionally bonded without physical intimacy.
Basically, the less happy you are, the less sex you want and the less sex you have the less happy you are in your relationship.
But, don’t panic, as much as it may feel impossible to get passion back into your relationship right now, it is possible. I promise. I know how to help you make that happen.
Now, it is important for you to know that it’s not unusual for one person in a couple to have a greater desire for sex than the other.
There can be a lot of reasons for this, a major one of which is testosterone. Generally associated with men, testosterone drives sexual desire, which is why there is the common assumption that men are more interested in sex than women are.
That said, women’s sexual desire can also be linked to fluctuating testosterone levels. As both men and women age, their testosterone levels change which in turn, changes their interest in intimacy along with it.
That is not to say that men and women have the same needs when it comes to sex.
For instance, women tend to need an emotional bond before they’re interested in having sex. They need their husbands to be attentive, thoughtful and loving. They want to share their emotions and spend time together.
If her partner has been distant, disinterested or absent the last thing a woman will want to do is make love.
On the other hand, if a man has been complaining or criticizing his wife for not wanting sex, more often the wife will likely feel turned off and any shred of passion is going to be lost.
Men: if you want to have a more fulfilling sexual relationship, you need to give your wife what she needs. Listen to her, show interest in her, do small thoughtful things and spend time together. Being absent from her life is a turn off and taking her on a date is a turn on.
Unlike women, men usually don’t need as much emotional bonding to desire sex.
Sometimes that has a lot to do with the fact that they have no testosterone. But this means that they think about and desire sex more often and require a lot less bonding and emotional closeness before having sex.
In fact, men tend to be just the opposite of women in the bedroom. The more sexual relations the couple has, the better the husband feels about his wife and their marriage. Since men’s confidence is linked to being a good provider, by satisfying their wives sexually, they get their emotional bonding needs met by having sex.
Oftentimes, men simply can’t understand why their wives don’t think about it and want sex as much as they do. Ladies, if you are even a tiny bit interested in having sex, go ahead and do it. The more intimate bond that you want with your husband will follow and you’ll both be more interested in sexual intimacy in the future.
As you and your spouse identify different problem areas in your relationship and work through them, you’ll both likely start to become more comfortable with being physically and intimate with one another again. Give it time and be willing to move slowly.
One common technique used for couples struggling with sexual intimacy is to hold off on intercourse and learn to appreciate and enjoy the other kinds of connecting first.
If your relationship begins to improve and you find that your sex life is till lagging far behind, don’t be afraid to seek sexless marriage counseling by consulting a sex therapist or a physician.
Alternatively, you can also go to my website and watch the free video presentation there. In that video, I reveal even more techniques on how you can revive the spark that you and you spouse shared when you first met.
Let’s talk about 6 steps to take to fix your sexless marriage.
1. Be Realistic.
First off, you need to be realistic. If you’re looking for the incredibly magical and passionate sex that you and your partner shared on your honeymoon, then that’s probably being a bit unrealistic.
It’s one thing to revive the sex and intimacy in your marriage but it’s another thing to reignite the butterflies that you and your partner shared when you were first getting to know each other.
That said, just because the honeymoon phase is over it doesn’t mean that you can’t explore an entire new stage in your relationship. One of the most important things you can do to reach this new stage is to communicate with your spouse.
2. Communicate your needs.
Many couples fail to talk about sex because they get embarrassed and instead say nothing and hope that things are going to magically change.
It’s important to be open and honest with your spouse and face the fact that beating around the bush won’t help change anything. Instead, try saying something along the lines of, “I’d like to spice up our sex life. We’ve fallen into some bad habits.”
Or you could say, “We need to have sex the same as we do other things that are important to us. I think we should set aside time for it.”
3. Make time for each other outside your bedroom.
Your relationship should be a priority for both of you. Set aside time together at least three times a week, this can include the date night, cuddle time, sharing a hobby whatever it is.
If you’re already doing these things then try something new, take your cooking class together, try a new sport, signup for a sex workshop together, even.
The easiest way to reconnect is to find new interest together. Trying something new requires a lot of focus and that’s good for your sex life.
4. Create shared rituals.
Create your own rituals to share together. A couple ritual is a habit that you and your spouse share that’s unique to your relationship. It could be as simple as brushing your teeth together, kissing before you leave for work, an inside joke or competition to answer a game show questions.
Whatever you decide on, make it something that you both enjoy and then keep the ritual going for years to come.
5. Flirt and play.
Take a second to think back to the beginning of your relationship when you were first falling for your spouse. Remember the way that they would make you laugh or tease you.
Reviving that type of playful flirting is one of the easiest ways to reactivate your sex life. While dating, couples are great at flirting with one another. They share flirty text messages, use sexy innuendos, smile and toss their hair, dress their best and in general, they try to be attractive to their partner.
Flirting is a key component to getting that sexual spark back into your marriage.
As humans, we respond to physical connection. A good place to start when it comes to reviving intimacy is by significantly increasing touching. By doing this, you’ll definitely increase your intimacy and connection with your spouse.
Start by simply touching your partner’s arm in a flirty way when you pass in the hall or hold hands when you take a stroll. Kiss each other goodnight, good morning and when you see each other after work. Sit close while watching TV and always have at least one body part touching when you go to bed.
6. Make your bedroom time spontaneous and fun.
When you do get between the sheets, keep things spontaneous and fun. Allow each other plenty of sensual time to get warmed up.
When you were in your 20’s when sex was straightforward— desire, arousal, orgasm.
When you’re over 40, foreplay becomes much more important as a way to build arousal and desire. Don’t be shy to ask your partner what they like or want. Even if you have been sleeping with your spouse for a decade, as you age, your mindset changes.
Early marital sex is essentially sex with a stranger. It’s about letting your partner know you and getting to know them intimately.
Marital sex can be even more gratifying if you can develop an intimate sexual style that’s completely yours and unique to you as a couple.
No matter where you are in your quest to revive the sex in your marriage, understand that intimacy and long term relationships and especially in marriages takes work from both parties. As long as you’re both committed to doing that work, you’ll be able to work it out.
If you have any questions about reviving your sex life or if you’d like more advice on bringing intimacy back to your marriage, you can learn more by watching the video presentation at my website now.