Finding love is like catching lightning in a bottle. You can find it, but it can be a strange road.
One of the biggest misconceptions about finding love is that there’s something wrong with you as a person. You think this is the reason you can’t find a partner. But it is usually not the case.
Let me tell you this – there is nothing wrong with you. But the problem happens when you don’t believe it.
Deep down, you probably think you are not enough. You could believe you don’t have the looks, brains, wealth…
In other words, you don’t accept yourself. And when you don’t accept yourself, others can sense it.
Because if the message you convey to the world is “I’m not good enough”, people will believe you. But they will also believe you when the message is, “I’m ok”. Hmm.. Isn’t that interesting?
This is where you need to start. But trying to go straight from not liking who you are to self-love is difficult. So let’s start with acceptance. It’s easier to start with accepting yourself before you even begin the search to find your other half.
1. When you love yourself, the world will follow suit.
I didn’t love myself. Heck, I didn’t even accept myself fully. I was alone for years searching for my significant other.
I read all the books about finding love. I looked in the mirror wondering what was wrong with me. I wondered if I didn’t have a good personality.
I tried to change for every woman that I met. I wanted HER to love ME.
…But the problem was never her. The problem was me. I needed to love myself first before hoping anyone else would do it.
This realization hit me like a ton of bricks.
I had to change my attitude about myself. I needed to look in the mirror and really like that person. I had to ask myself to accept me and then it would be possible to attract on the outside.
It might sound crazy (or difficult), but there’s no way anyone is going to really love you until you really like who you are as a person.
To find love and keep it I had to be comfortable in my own skin.
Relationships are only about masks for a short amount of time. I would need to be myself at some point. Once I realized this, it was so easy to date. I found my girlfriend through friends. I was confident and myself. She was attracted to the fact that I was happy in my own skin.
And confidence is the biggest attraction builder there is.
But remember – don’t try to go straight from not liking yourself to overflowing with self-love. You will be frustrated if you expect to suddenly fall head over heels with yourself if you can’t even do basic self acceptance right now. Baby step into self love by learning to simply accept yourself first. Don’t rush it, feelings need time to develop, it won’t happen overnight.
2. Start on the road to loving yourself.
Think about your relationship with yourself. It might sound funny, but you’re with yourself more than any other person.
Are you nice to you?
Are you too critical?
Do you hate your body?
Do you get mad at your voice?
If you don’t deal with the way you feel about yourself before dating, no one is going to like you as a person. Many people are insecure, but they still like themselves. We all have our insecurities, that’s fine… But no one is going to fix your flaws. You have to just love yourself with your flaws. Another person will do the same.
3. Consider your expectations.
Some people want too much out of a partner. They think someone else has to complete them. The issue with this is that you have to be whole before you can even find your other half. If you’re expecting Prince Charming or Princess Leia, it isn’t going to happen.
Sometimes our standards are set by romantic comedies that flood our brain with fantasy.
Our significant other might be great looking, but they probably won’t be perfect in every way. They might be charming, but maybe they just are’t that witty.
Every person has flaws. If every person was perfect, it would be a boring world. It’s good to have standards. The problem is when those standards and expectations get out of control.
4. Fix your crazy neediness.
Partners don’t like a significant other that makes them feel like an object of worship. When you’re too needy, they run the other direction. Remember that you must have a life apart from one another. If you smother them, it won’t be a good thing.
You’re two individual people. People that require a high level of emotional responsibility are exhausting. It’s hard to deal with someone when they hang on your every move. You should strive to be in a healthy relationship with someone that loves you, but also has their own life outside of you. You can be happy without being in the same room all of the time.
5. Get confident.
I talked about learning to love myself before I could get out there and attract love on the outside.
Confidence is all about acceptance and finding the positives in yourself. This doesn’t mean you’re pretentious thinking you’re the best thing since sliced bread. No one likes someone that is full of himself or herself.
Confidence is knowing who you are and owning it. You value yourself as a person. If someone else does not value you, it’s time to move on.
6. Commit to finding love (for real).
You might be searching for love, but you’re not really into the game 100%.
If you’re not ready to commit to finding love and keeping it, then don’t jump in all the way. If you want someone that’s just there randomly, you aren’t ready to find love.
If you don’t care that the other person isn’t responsive to you, then it isn’t the right time to find love.
You have to be ready for the whole enchilada. Relationships aren’t always easy. If you aren’t ready for the long haul, don’t make someone go on the ride with you.
7. Go beyond looks.
Many people search through dating websites for a certain look. They have a certain type in mind. You don’t have to abandon a certain type of person you like, but you do need to open your mind.
Love goes beyond physical attraction. Looks fade, so you need to be sure there’s still something behind that beauty.
You might be the picture of perfection. Someone on that dating app might be the picture of perfection, too. If you both don’t have any depth, you will fail as a couple. Search for someone that fills your emotional needs. Two shallow people can’t usually go too far in a relationship.
8. Don’t run from conflict.
You don’t need to find love without conflict. Conflict is inevitable. Healthy disagreements are how many people come to decisions.
If you’re always avoiding conflict, it will be difficult for you to stay together because problems cannot always be brushed under a rug. Problems always surface after a good amount of time. Conflict provides a way to grow in a relationship. Always grow together through healthy conflict resolution.
9. Make your list.
My friends always laughed at my list for the woman of my dreams. I wasn’t going to go for any other woman that the one on that list. I wanted beautiful, family oriented, funny, ambitious, and kind as my top things.
There is no problem with having a list. Of course, your partner is going to have bad qualities as well. You can also create a list of deal breakers. I had a few of those, too. Don’t make your list so crunched that you create the impossible person.
10. Reconsider your first impression.
You might not be able to find love because you throw people out the window after the first impression.
Remember your first impressions aren’t always reliable.
Sometimes you find someone on a dating website. Things don’t always go well the first time you speak or meet. Everyone is nervous. Some people have walls that don’t come crumbling down the first time you talk. Give that person a little time to spread their wings. They’re under pressure meeting you, too.
It’s important to give both of you time to see who you are behind those masks.
11. Ask lots of questions.
Dating is all about getting to know one another so don’t be afraid to ask the tough stuff. Be curious and genuine in your questions. Always make a point to really hear their answers.
If you don’t ask about things you really care about, they may never offer you the answer and you could be left wondering about their real feelings.
An open, honest relationship can only happen if you ask open questions and genuinely listen to the answers.
12. Grow together.
Once you decide to accept/love yourself, you can make time to grow together.
Never stop working on yourself. You aren’t responsible for making the other person change. They shouldn’t have to change for you, but they can always grow for you. Work together to grow and become better people. Ask each other how you can help the other one in their quest.
None of this can happen until you truly love yourself first.
13. Know Your Value
Know your value before you even try to meet another person that can fit you. Knowing your value is about looking in the mirror and smiling at that person.
You know you have flaws.
You know your potential match has flaws.
The best thing about that is you also know you have great qualities. Be prepared to show the world your valuable assets. Someone is going to fall in love with your value as a whole.
The best way to search for love is have that open mind. Work on yourself. Knock down your insecurities. Make sure you’re vulnerable, yet confident in all you do. Always be yourself.
Someone is going to enjoy all of these qualities about you. When you love yourself first, the world is your oyster. Finding love will become a problem of the past.
Love is knocking at your door. Answer it with control and confidence.