Go back to part 3 here.
“My ex appears to literally be in response mode. He was always so open in the past and so interested in me. But since the breakup, he only responds. How can we get past this?”
If I’m understanding this right, your frustration is that you are doing 100% of the initiating contact with your ex and he is not doing the initiating.
But your ex IS responding to you when you initiate contact.
I see this so often with a lot of women.
They get hung up on whether or not the guy is initiating as an indicator of whether or not he is interested or not.
Whether your ex initiates contact with you after the breakup is honestly kind of an arbitrary thing.
What matters the most is whether you are having positive interactions that bring you closer together regardless of who is initiating contact.
Keeping score over who is initiating contact is exactly that, it’s keeping score.
The interesting thing about keeping score is whenever you keep score, you always come out the winner and the other person always comes out the loser.
Now, why is that?
It’s because there are probably countless things we do that we could come out the loser at on if we were to keep score of it.
But we’re choosing to ignore those because those don’t make us feel good.
So we laser our focus in on the things where it’s like,
“Oh yeah, I’m coming out the winner because I’m contacting more often than not, more often than they are.”
You could be totally neglecting the fact that your ex helped you do this thing the other weekend or whatever, right?
What’s important is not who is initiating contact, but whether or not the contact that IS happening is bringing you closer together.
Now, beyond that, if this is still something that you’re not able to let go, you have to accept your ex as he is and say to yourself:
“That’s the kind of person that is not going to initiate contact with me. Can I accept this?”
If the answer is no, then you have to let him go and find somebody who IS going to initiate contact with you.
Who initiates contact is ultimately not that important.
What is most important is that we’re having a great, high-quality connection because you do not want to misinterpret who is initiating contact as a sign that the connection is strong, as a sign your ex is attracted to you, and as a sign that anything is going to happen.
All it means is that somebody is initiating contact.
It speaks nothing to their intention or the quality of the connection, it does not speak to anything like that.
When someone initiates contact, it just says that somebody picked up their phone and sent you a message.
That’s it.
If you try and make the way your ex contacts you into something more than that, you can quickly go down a very dark road.
That’s going to make you resentful.
That’s going to make you over-analytical.
That’s going to make you very neurotic.
That’s going to pull you into some really weird ways of thinking.
Again, my recommendation is that you do not pay attention to who is contacting who so much as you pay attention to the quality of the connection that you are having when the contact is being made.
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