(Go back to part 2 of this episode here.)
Our next question is from Lania who wants to know what’s going on with her ex who she is trying to create a positive emotional connection with and who seems withdrawn.
Lania writes in and says,
“Hi, Clay!
What you said about putting in the work to have a positive emotional connection really got to me. I realized that I was just making things worse and my emotions were out of control.
I was talking to my ex about something and noticed that he seemed a little withdrawn. I asked him about it and he mentioned that everyone including one of his other exes said the same thing.
I’m not sure why he mentioned that one of his other exes said he seemed annoyed.
I get that we’re not dating anymore but now I feel like I hit another roadblock. I asked him how he felt about talking to her again. He said that he loves catching up with her. He went on to say that he might visit her and catch up because she lives in another state.
I put myself in the friend zone and told him that I appreciate our friendship and that he said that he has no bad feelings towards me. He also said:
“You’re an amazing girl and seriously will make somebody more than happy. Even though we’re not together, we still grew a huge bond.”
I remember you saying that there’s no such thing as the “friend zone” with an ex. I also noticed that when I put myself in the friend zone, he seemed more engaged in the conversation.
Should I keep focusing on the connection between us?
Side note: Is my ex still at the Riding the Dragon stage (of getting back together)? Thank you for everything.”
You should keep focusing on the emotional connection between the two of you.
After all, that is really the only thing keeping the two of you apart. He’s obviously attracted to you.
Otherwise, your ex boyfriend wouldn’t have been in a relationship with you to begin with.
Unless you have gone through some sort of dramatic physical, emotional personality change or something like that, he’s probably still attracted you, right?
If you had some major personality change or something, it could be possible that he’s not attracted to you anymore because your personality is different.
Or if you have— I don’t know— gained or lost 100 pounds or something like that, it could be that he’s not attracted to you anymore.
But barring those things, then there’s still this attraction between the two of you.
It’s just being blocked by whatever emotional stuff happened between the two of you, the history, baggage, and all of that.
If you can continue to focus on clearing out that emotional connection, then the attraction that’s already between you will run its course and do what it’s supposed to do– which is to bring the two of you closer together again.
Stay focused on your emotional connection.
Do what you can to make sure the interactions between you and your ex boyfriend are positive, high quality, bring you closer together and and allow you both to express more vulnerability.
Try to make your interactions allow you to express more empathy, acceptance and deepen your emotional bond with one another.
Thank you, Lania. Please keep us updated on how things go moving forward from here.
Continue to part 4 of this episode here.
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