(Go back to part 1 of this episode here.)
Goodman writes in and asks how to get his ex girlfriend to open up when she seems to be keeping their conversations on a surface level:
“Hi, Clay! I haven’t heard from my ex for a while. During my last conversation with her on the phone I said:
“It feels to me that our conversation is very surface level and it makes me feel a big wall in between us.”
Her response was, “I intentionally keep things at a surface level which is a healthy boundary I want to keep.”
Even when I said there might be a limiting belief in the society and let us do what we can do to be not awkward. I also try to relate to my own feelings being vulnerable and tried to get her to talk more about feelings and she just dodged questions to surface level.
What can I try to get my ex girlfriend to open up as she seems using “politeness trap” to be her healthy boundary?
With thanks and hope to stay in touch with new and old fellow MLA numbers.
—Goodman”
OK, Goodman. What I would do to get your ex girlfriend to open up in this situation is be totally vulnerable and honest with her in a positive sort of way.
We talked about the difference between positive and negative vulnerability in the past.
I don’t know the exact reason why she broke up with you but I would be open and honest with her and say something to the effect of:
“I am going to be completely honest with you. I feel a sense of disconnect too. I think part of it is my fault. I think I’ve been having a hidden agenda to show you that I’m not the person that you broke up with.
I’ve been really attached to the outcome of trying to prove that I’m not this jerk that you broke up with/the guy who never talks about his emotions (or whatever who you broke up with).
I think if we dropped all of these hidden agendas and things we’re worried about and we were completely open, honest, vulnerable and forthright with about what we want, I think that we could have a pretty good connection with one another.
So I’m willing to let go of all of my hidden agendas.
I just want you to know that I really like having you in my life. I miss the way we used to talk.
I’m not saying that as somebody who’s trying to get back together with you, I just want to cut the BS and just get to know you as a person.
Is that something that you’d be willing to do?”
Having an open and honest conversation like that with your ex girlfriend is a great way to invite her to let go of her hesitations and reservations about interacting with you.
Connecting with your ex girlfriend doesn’t have to be complicated.
It just has to be honest.
Often, being honest about vulnerable things like this can be outside of our awareness.
This is because we’re often too caught up in our hidden agendas, attachments to outcomes, and ways we think things are that it seems impossible, ridiculous or ludicrous to come right out and say how we feel and what we want.
I want you to know that you can do that.
You can’t do that if you do it in the right sort of way, where it’s not clinging to outcome, using somebody as a means to an end and all that other stuff that I talk about.
You’re just owning your experience and directly asking for what you actually want from your ex.
So I hope that helps you out.
Otherwise, I want you to know that it’s been a pleasure to get to know you over these past several months and see you grow and develop as you work on these advanced relational skills.
Continue to part 3 of this episode here.
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