I read this article, “I Wasn’t Treating My Husband Fairly, And It Wasn’t Fair” yesterday, and it really made me think.
The premise of that powerful article is that the writer didn’t realize the sheer number of ways that she was disrespecting and emasculating her husband.
This hit me so hard because on some bad days (especially when I was married), this could have been me.
The truth is, respect is sorely lacking in many of our relationships with men.
Lots of the time, women don’t even realize that we’re disrespecting and emasculating a man, which is why it’s that much more damaging.
Like the author of that piece mentions, the stereotype of the dumb husband and overbearing wife is about the last joke allowed anymore.
Writing about this is hard, because there is almost always backlash with the basic premise that “well men do this, and this, and this, to women” and those complaints aren’t incorrect.
And, weaponized incompetence is a real problem in relationships.
However, this reasoning is flawed because it’s impossible to get what you want (a loving, stable relationship with a wonderful man) by denying someone else what they need.
This is a little like saying “I want a million dollars but I don’t have it so you can’t either.”
That’s why today I want to share 17 things women do that emasculate men and drive them away.
1. Withhold your respect until he “proves” himself.
In over 10 years of experience in coaching, I’ve learned that men have an extremely deep and nuanced definition of respect.
Respect to a man in a relationship is like oxygen. You won’t win a man’s heart by treating him disrespectfully or making your respect a milestone he’s supposed to earn.
You’re more likely to irritate him with this behavior which may cause him to treat you callously in return.
2. Talk down to him.
Talking down to a man is disrespectful and includes a sense of disgust and mistrust.
This is even more awful and embarrassing for him if he was already hoping to impress you.
Never suggest he should “man up” or imply that he’s less of a man for being himself at any given moment.
3. Make “jokes” about him being an extra kid in your family.
Some guys will make the joke that they are a big kid entirely on their own. This is one of those times where you let him say it about himself and never repeat it.
Making jokes about how he’s an extra kid– even if you truly are joking– is deeply disrespectful.
If you want a full partner in your relationship and not another child, don’t give this tired old joke more energy.
4. Have an issue with his job, salary, life’s work or purpose.
I get it, once you combine your lives together and start building a home, everyone’s contribution counts.
However, trying to “motivate” a man to do more or different work is eventually going to drive him away and emasculate him.
Many– if not most– men already have some intense internal dialog going on about being a good provider. When you point out how they could be doing more, they feel uncomfortable and disrespected.
Men are already under enough pressure when they go out in the world. They don’t want to come home to more pressure from you.
You will gain a vastly better relationship when you provide quiet emotional support when he’s working toward his goals than any other approach.
5. Distrust his ability to handle things on his own.
Men put a lot of pride in their ability to accomplish things. If you are his partner, you are the person he wants to impress the most.
When you distrust that he has the emotional, financial or intellectual resources to finish a task, it is emasculating.
Distrust communicates that he’s wrong, untrustworthy and therefore unworthy of your respect as a man.
6. Ask him for help, then take the problem back and insist whatever it is be done another way.
This is another version of distrusting a man’s ability to handle something.
When you ask for his help, he agrees and then you change your mind, you are communicating that he isn’t up to the task.
If you are able to do it your way, then do it your way.
If you ask for help, decide in advance to let it play out however it plays out– even if he starts doing it differently than you would choose.
If he’s really struggling, ask if HE needs your assistance and go with whatever he says.
Otherwise, don’t ask him for help.
For example, a few years ago I made this mistake on my birthday and ended up with a much more annoyed boyfriend than I would have preferred.
7. Ask another guy to help with something he could/would choose to help with.
A good man who loves you will want to be your go-to person who you turn to for help.
When you ask someone else– especially another man who could be seen as a rival– you are implying he is not up to the task.
It doesn’t matter whether or if this was intentional or not. He could just have been busy and you asked your neighbor. It doesn’t matter.
He’s likely to find it disrespectful when you could have asked him first but didn’t.
8. Boss him around.
Good relationships are a partnership where both people contribute to a greater whole.
When you tell anyone what to do, you are being controlling and automatically putting yourself into the leadership position and them into the subordinate position.
Taking a leadership position is totally warranted at work with co-workers who you oversee, but not with your life partner at home.
9. Nag him.
Nagging usually comes from impatience about someone else’s timing. It may also include potential skepticism about whether or not the other person will follow through with an agreement.
Nagging a man is another way to communicate that he’s in a one-down, less-than position when you are supposed to be a team.
If you want a happy relationship with a man, it’s in your best interest to break the habit of nagging.
10. Treat him like he has no feelings.
I’m still shocked how often I meet women who genuinely think men don’t have feelings.
Men absolutely have feelings, they are socialized not to express them.
In fact, during this research study where men and women watched video clips that induced 16 different emotions, the male subjects often had more intense emotional experiences than the women.
Women showed higher emotional expressivity– particularly for negative emotions.
Feelings are part of our human firmware and not gender-based occurrences. Treating anyone’s feelings carelessly is a quick pathway out of their life.
11. Compare him unfavorably to your ex.
Comparing a new lover to your ex is a mistake just about any time.
It is particularly emasculating and disrespectful when you point out things your ex did better.
12. Offer unsolicited advice, help or teaching.
In the world of men, there is protocol around asking for advice.
Unless a situation risks life and limb, men usually don’t provide unsolicited help to other men without being asked.
Helping without being asked is considered rude because it implies the other guy can’t solve his own problem, which is extremely disrespectful.
This does not mean men don’t help each other, they absolutely do.
They just wait until they are asked for help, or they ask if the other guy wants help before launching into any of their own suggestions.
Otherwise, they assume the other guy has the situation handled.
A woman watching a man struggle will tend to think she’s withholding her love and care if she doesn’t try to help him. The man will think she’s implying he’s not up to the task and feel emasculated.
This doesn’t mean you should never share helpful ideas with a man. If you want to help or you know a better way he could do something, simply ask if he is interested in hearing you out first.
I dig deeper into this inside The Secrets To Understanding Men No One Tells You because this simple misunderstanding is where tons of conflict between men and women comes from.
13. Criticize him.
According to research from Dr. Gottman, criticism is one of four predictors a relationship will not last.
No one really likes to be criticized.
Even when you have good intentions, criticism comes off as though you automatically know what’s good for him better than he does, which is emasculating.
14. Negative body language like eye rolling.
Rolling your eyes is a display of contempt and disrespect for someone’s ideas at the very least.
Showing contempt– any way it comes out– is another of Dr. Gottman’s predictors that your relationship will not last.
15. Express that how he does something is not good enough.
Men tend to put a lot of pride into what they accomplish and how they do it.
When you criticize any of these things without being specifically asked (and even then), he will most often see it as disrespectful and hurtful even if you mean well.
16. Flirt with other men.
If you’re in a monogamous relationship with a man, it is disrespectful to intentionally flirt with other men.
17. Refuse to allow him his own free time.
This is different than simply enjoying his company and wanting to spend more time together.
When you try to tag along with a man everywhere he goes, he doesn’t have time to center himself. Everyone needs to have a life outside their relationship.
Not allowing him time to himself outside your relationship is controlling and emasculating behavior.
From both my personal and professional experience, avoiding these behaviors that emasculate a man will significantly improve your relationship with him.
Treating a man with respect is the right thing to do, and it helps to bring you closer.
MORE: 6 Cringe Things You Should NEVER Say To Any Man… Ever
